society's hard to live in

I feel like i'm going crazy. I have an okay life, i go to a nice school, have food to eat, two parents, grandparents, friends... but i'm still so stressed. Knowing that people have life MUCH harder than i do, i feel like i don't deserve to be feeling stressed about my life...

i wish i could blame my father for everything. i never knew the exact name but my dad has a seizure of some sort (i'm assuming tonic-clonic). Because of his illness he's become overly dependent on my grandparents and expects the rest of the family to serve him as well. I've gotten into countless fights with him over his arrogance which always ended up with him saying how i'm not his daughter. I actually don't mind that comment, rather, i wish i really wasn't his daughter. I can't stand living with him.

I think it was partially because of him that i developed a short tempered bitchy personality. Now i treat everyone around me really shitty... I remember my sister asking me why my quiet piano playing was so different from how i treated everyone and how it really didn't fit my image. and just a couple hours ago I snapped at my sister for complaining when i was the one at fault for picking on her weak points...

I really don't want to be like this, I often wanted to change myself to a nice, kind, and gentle person. But i just can't. I'm afraid that people will notice this change and find it too strange and conflicting with my old personality. I guess also at fault for being to proud and scared of changing...

I really don't know what to do, half of me doesn't want to change while the other is screaming for me to stop being so cold to others, trying to live with other people is hard isn't it?

 

the part of you that wants to change is going to have to win if things are going to get better.
psychotherapy might help

meditation might help

you likely have access to some very good acupuncture and traditional chinese medicine. this might help you

 

Life can be stressful. You're just letting it get to you. You need to find an outlet to have fun memories so that the tough parts in life feel like they're worth it. You need something to look forward to. It helps to keep the feet moving.

Also.. try imagining that you're your father and lived his life. It's easy to judge someone else because our own pain is so obvious to us but others' pain is not. We're all far more alike than we're different. It looks like your dad had some bad fortune. Your dad probably feels very bad about himself and blames himself every day. He may not tell anyone else because he wants to project onto others an image of normalcy and strength, but underneath he's broken. He has dreams too. And everyone is afraid of old age and death.

You're right that many young people do not live in your situation. Life is not equal. It's not always fair. But what other choice is there? We don't have any other choice. We have to learn how to cope. How to juggle our dreams with life's demands.

That's my opinion.

 

Well at least you recognised you have a temper and want to change it.

But as for treating people shi*** - you recognise this and its a fault that I think ought to be changed. Some people live their whole lives putting others down - but its a tricky thing to pull off and a lonely life unless you find someone who puts up with abuse. Even then - its hardly cordial but some people base relationships on conflict.

Maybe your dad is not helping - terrible thing to say to a daughter - but don't let him define you - or fall victim to behaving like those around you if their behaviour is not that great.

but you play piano? - well - there is a good sign! I mean you got an artistic streak - that can allow some temperamental stuff (shouting at the band!) but I dare-say it shows you have a sensitive side also - and I'm guessing you shine better when you are nice!

Well - all women are that way.

I know many have reasons for being a bit 'bitchy' - that;s part of life at times - but there is a limit - and its when you get negative that it tends to make people not get too close in case you - maybe get angry!

This can change thank god!

Everyone has faults they will hang onto kicking and screaming! But - being around the right people who will point out faults whilst not being judgemental - it helps.

Best of luck.

Hope the piano is played often!

Many young people go through what you are going through.

Main thing is you spoke out.

Its not easy to admit faults - so well done there.

 

what helps for me, is when im feeling stressed i just do push ups till i collapse (great song, btw). It leaves me feeling tired and have rubbery arms for a bit, but the stress levels go WAY down.