Sociopathic monster?

[Mortem]

Well, today I had an incident.

I've always been really scared of social conflicts. This also links with a social anxiety so I've never had many people around me, and that's perfectly fine. I'm a bit of a hermit so it hasn't been an issue. The people I'm forced have around me is my parents, my sister and my grandmother.
I help my father in his work, in return I get somewhere to live (with my parents) and some pocket money. In addition to this I run a small business on my own. I've been doing this every day for 7 years now, and that's alright.
However, at a certain time every day I've got some chores to do at my fathers workplace, where I also have to meet my grandmother - she's my opposite, she seeks out social conflicts and she loves an argue. Usually my father is around as well, and then he gets to fight her, and in case he isn't around I've been pretty good at avoiding a confrontation. But every time I've recieved a pretty doze of verbal abuse before I slip through. Many times I've ground my teeth, but always managed to keep my anger to myself. I've had argues with her in my head, where I've tested different arguments.

So this leads up til today. I was left alone with her today since dad was off doing other things. So she told me that she'd been off looking at a job we were doing and she told me that it wasn't any good (it was brilliant). I was like "ok, ok". But she just kept hammering me. So I just intended to raise my voice a little to tell her that she could bring that up with dad and that I had work to do so I had no time for bickering. At that point I *totally* lost control of myself, it was like having some sort of autopilot switched on. My voice, which I just intended to raise a litte, moved up to crazy screaming. Long story short; the outcome was that she walked away, altho after a few weak arguments, obviously shocked, crying and probably afraid of me.

So I should feel good now right? Finally a revenge after all these years and all the times she yelled at me as a child. I've wanted and imagined this for a long time, so I should feel good.

But the aftertaste is very bitter, I feel guilty and afraid of myself. I totally lost control. On the positive side; it was nice to feel some strong feelings again, I've been walking around pretty much numb for so long now.

For other reasons I've planned killing myself for many years now, I've figured out a way to die and vanish without a trace so that noone have to deal with my corpse and I've even designed a little treasure hunt for a select few to participate in - the winner would get my savings - I'm yet to decide whether to apply it to the grand plan or not though.

But now I feel so awful I'm really considering a "quick fix". It puzzles me how I can hate with such glow but I've never managed to love anyone, ever.

 

[Nocturnal Ponderer]

You just had an emotiona hijacking mate. Its called the pressure cooker effect. Everything is inside, boiling away, and then BANG it has to explode.

During a particularly unpleasant breakup two years ago, my dad asked me to move so he could have "his" chair.

Result?

One smashed up house! God, I was like a crazed animal. I even broke my toe and the adrenalin was so high I was able to walk around on it unaware I'd broken it for about 15 minutes. I ended up admitting myself to casualty that night. Christmas eve too, 2005.

I'll never forget that. Totally out of character. But its natural. Maybe you have to learn how to be a little more assertive and stand up for yourself more frequently to avoid a huge burst of emotion coming out all at once.

 

[neutral]

I use to have headaches that lasted weeks on end. After school one day my parents were politely talking to me about the tidiness of my room.

I, with no apparent warning decided to yell at the top of my voice, was only just able to stop myself from hitting my parents. I was shaking afterwards, covered in sweat and silent. Looking back school issues were probably the trigger.

I think Nocturnal Ponderer is right try and either be little more assertive or find another healthy output like exercise or work on getting of the situation.

Its normal to have occasional outbursts.

 

[Mortem]

Many thanks for your reply :smile: (read your post too btw; but I really dunno what to answer since I can't relate)
Sounds like you've definately been there, done that.

Been for a walk now and I feel more in balance. Yeah, knew about the pressure cooker effect thing. But I've always been like "I can handle it better, that won't be a problem for me" - WRONG.

I've taken your advice into consideration. The best thing would of course be if there were no "water in the boiler" in the first place. But I guess that''s just not possible at the moment.