It's a step, taking the initiative to write on a site such as this; knowing full well anonymity begets nonchalance... Let alone the display of personal angst on my behalf is a prospect that torments me. However, I need opinion: I'm 18, currently without job, tangible dreams for the future and the will or determination to keep an interest in almost anything I do. You may ask what stops me? It's as though I feel a huge stopper blocking my existance: Apathy. It's all-encompassing, whether for myself, or the needs of another. I am incapable of feelings of remorse, let alone empathy... Moreover, I feel the desire to cause hurt. Hurting another emotionally gives my a feeling of elation; satisfaction; contentment. I am with my girlfriend, of 2 years, and though I feel empathy for her (And only her, it seems.), it feels like a facade; or, a shallow display. I love her, don't get me wrong... but I hurt her - constantly. All points lead to (Not to mention personal opinion of others) Narcissistic Personality Disorder; or, Histrionic Personality Disorder. Personal analysis aside, I'll shoot the heart of the matter: I can't live with this apathy, this nonchalance... This detatchment. My emotions are reactive, not active... I can't feel, unless I know I SHOULD feel. I think on it, and emulate an emotion befitting of the given context. I am a faux human. A contradictory person. Yet I am the only person; I am the world; my needs before another. I am looking down upon my body, detatched, yet in control... I am walking in a precarious dream, one which I am struggling so hard to correct. It's arduous, to say the least: The personal obsession with grandeur - of beauty, intellect and wealth - a thing completely unattainable. It drives me verily insane (ineffable). It's a disturbing thing, knowing full-well that the only thing holding me back from committing crimes against humanity, is fear of persecution; because of this, I feel smothered by my own inadequacies as a human... yet I love and feel excitement over the prospect. I feel such elation - to a degree that rivals sex - when I know I am the cause of another's emotional distress. I know I am a horrible person, but I don't care. Humorous that it's the very apathy that encircles me that propels me into the contemplation of suicide. Thank god for my lover: The only thing stopping me from reaching that plateau of self-gratification... Ask questions, if you will - I'm at a loss.