Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Joel, Dec 22, 2007.

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  1. Joel

    Joel New Member

    It's a step, taking the initiative to write on a site such as this; knowing full well anonymity begets nonchalance... Let alone the display of personal angst on my behalf is a prospect that torments me. However, I need opinion:

    I'm 18, currently without job, tangible dreams for the future and the will or determination to keep an interest in almost anything I do. You may ask what stops me? It's as though I feel a huge stopper blocking my existance: Apathy. It's all-encompassing, whether for myself, or the needs of another. I am incapable of feelings of remorse, let alone empathy... Moreover, I feel the desire to cause hurt. Hurting another emotionally gives my a feeling of elation; satisfaction; contentment.

    I am with my girlfriend, of 2 years, and though I feel empathy for her (And only her, it seems.), it feels like a facade; or, a shallow display. I love her, don't get me wrong... but I hurt her - constantly.

    All points lead to (Not to mention personal opinion of others) Narcissistic Personality Disorder; or, Histrionic Personality Disorder. Personal analysis aside, I'll shoot the heart of the matter:

    I can't live with this apathy, this nonchalance... This detatchment. My emotions are reactive, not active... I can't feel, unless I know I SHOULD feel. I think on it, and emulate an emotion befitting of the given context. I am a faux human. A contradictory person. Yet I am the only person; I am the world; my needs before another. I am looking down upon my body, detatched, yet in control... I am walking in a precarious dream, one which I am struggling so hard to correct.

    It's arduous, to say the least: The personal obsession with grandeur - of beauty, intellect and wealth - a thing completely unattainable. It drives me verily insane (ineffable).

    It's a disturbing thing, knowing full-well that the only thing holding me back from committing crimes against humanity, is fear of persecution; because of this, I feel smothered by my own inadequacies as a human... yet I love and feel excitement over the prospect. I feel such elation - to a degree that rivals sex - when I know I am the cause of another's emotional distress.

    I know I am a horrible person, but I don't care. Humorous that it's the very apathy that encircles me that propels me into the contemplation of suicide.

    Thank god for my lover: The only thing stopping me from reaching that plateau of self-gratification...

    Ask questions, if you will - I'm at a loss.
  2. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    That must be very hard to deal with.
    I can understand the concept of reactive emotions, although mine tend to be because I'm so depressed that I don't feel anything.
    On the other hand, you do seem to have some emotions of your own - fear of persecution, the fact that the apathy bug you - both of those would suggest to me that you're not a sociopath, but that something else is going on. Then again, I'm no psych doc.
    You said you constantly hurt your girlfriend - do you do that on purpose, think it out ahead, etc, or does it just seem that you keep doing it without trying? How are you hurting her? Does she feel like she's being hurt, or is that your perception of the situation?
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