sod it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Malcontent, Aug 4, 2009.

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  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I want to die. Can't hide that fact any longer. The relief of feeling my last breath escape my lips would just be wonderful. At last it'd all be over. No more trying to pretend that I've ever been good enough. No more hoping that I'll ever achieve anything worthwhile with my life. Maybe dying is the only good thing I'll ever do. Maybe killing myself is the only thing I was ever meant to do. I should've done it a long time ago. I wish I hadn't wimped out of overdosing when I was 14, took enough to make me sick but nowhere near enough to die. There have been so many times when the urge to die nearly overcame me. I should've let it. I should never have lived in the first place. Born with a messed up body, not breathing. Why didn't the doctors just let me die then? Why can't I just fucking die now? I stood by the railway bridge tonight, willing myself to climb up and just let go. I couldn't move. I couldn't do it because other people would be hurt by my death. That's all though, I couldn't care less about my own life. All I want is to end it. I want to smash my body into pieces and finally be free. I want to be in pain before I go, one last punishment. And then feel it slowly slip away, feel myself slip away, until there's nothing anymore. Until I'm nothing. And then after a while the memory of me will fade from people's minds, and it really will be as if I had never existed. The way things should have been all along.
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hey there ..
    im sorry ur feeling this way .. :hug:
    we havent really spoken .. but iv read some of ur posts around the forum and u seem like a really nice guy :) ..
    have u tried meds/therapy ?
    here if u ever fancy a chat ..x
  3. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: rob please don't do anything to hurt yourself! you are a big part of this place, so that's at least one thing that you've achieved and done right! :arms: please stay and talk xxx
  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I agree with Triggs, look at what you've achieved here. That is definitely worthwhile & something to be proud of.

    The fact that you are still here & fighting despite your problems is testament to how strong a person you are.

    I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom or anything that can make you feel better. Wishing better days for you soon hun.

    :hug: xx
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu got it wrong you will not fade from our memories or anyone elses as it will be etched in our mind with pain and saddness. You are important and are respected here people care for you and would greatly be affected if you were to die. Please stay well lean on us and if not on us on the professionals at crisis or hospital to keep you safe. You will not just fade away and be forgotten
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi mal,

    You sound like you're in a LOT of pain right now :(
    I'm glad you didn't let go. Many people would have been hurt I'm sure..maybe it would make more sense to talk to them about this,they would want to help.
    I don't think anyone is meant to kill themselves..depression just makes us feel that way sometimes.
    Not much else I can say here,although wish there was.
    You ever need a chat, just drop me a PM.

    Really hope you feel better soon x
  7. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I've achieved nothing. This place would be exactly the same without me and so would the lives of everyone here. Nothing in the world has been changed by me or will change when I'm gone. How will it make a difference if I die today or next week or in 50 years from now. One person can not change the world. I'm through fooling myself. I'm one person in billions - I DON'T MATTER.
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    You do matter Mal, you matter to me :hug:
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You would never be forgotten by those that know you Mal. So slipping away and memories fadingwill not happen. I am sorry you have these deep feelings of inadequacy. We all have shortcomings, but remember there are good things too. I think you focus on the negative things you perceive (which the rest of us don't see) and forget, or can't find all the good in you. Just as you seem many of us differently from how we see ourselves, we see you in another light. I just wish you could see what we can. :hug:
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Rob,
    You matter to the friends here and to your family.. I have been where you are.. I was sitting on my bed with a loaded pistol, hammer cocked, and my finger on the trigger.. I was that close to ending it for good..My daughter kept popping in my head and at the time I hadn't met my grandaughter yet..
    I finally broke down crying.. When my sister got home I told her what happened and let her read my note.. That ended up being my second stay in the hospital..I have been in there ten times over the years andthey helped me to back up and regroup.. They set me up with my first therapist who I didn't like.. It took three therapists before I found Gina and she keeps me going.. We have gotten to know each other pretty good over the years..
    My point is right now you need help.. You can put this behind you and take baby steps to build yourself back up..I still think about suicide dailey but won't act upon it..I hope you get some help.. No one wants you to harm yourself..Take care!!!
  11. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I want to believe I matter, but one life isn't worth shit. I have nothing to live for. Family would carry on, friends would be fine. I have no one who needs me so why not just die? I keep asking myself that question and can't come up with an answer. No amount of therapy has ever provided that answer because no one can honestly say anything would be worse without me. The secret to living is just learning the art of lying to yourself about you own importance. I'm tired of doing that, I'm tired of dealing with the bullshit that you have to swallow just to live in this world. There's no reason for me to carry on living.
  12. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hey ..
    the fact u have friends and family says alot .. wether they are distant or not right now .. u are a part of their life and im sure they would miss u .. ppl on this forum think very highly of u ! read back at the posts if u can .. every1 here wants u 2 get well .. and would be devistated if something happened 2 u .. i know its hard 2 beleive that right now .. but its true ..
    im sure they dont make just anybody a moderator here ! it must mean u are a very kind caring and helpful person .. they are amazing qiualities.. :)
    have u tried medication? - or prehaps a short stay in hospital?
    please stay safe ..
    im sure u know .. but u could call a crisis line or the samaritains if u need 2 .. :hug:
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