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Solidarity in the Twilight

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Incomitatus_01, Jan 6, 2010.

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  1. Hello, everyone.

    I'm new here. A number of years ago, I made several unsuccessful suicide attempts (I was young, didn't have good resources and didn't know what to do). Eventually I decided I didn't have the strength of will or courage to do that, and for most of the past five years it's only been something I've fantasized about. I had a brief reprieve from those feelings for a few months in 2009, but it's come back as strong as ever. And for a little over a month now I've been thinking very seriously about it again.

    There are specific reasons I feel so hopeless now, but I don't think that is the issue so much. It's just that life has ALWAYS been this way. I have felt happy a few times, but those moments have been literally years apart. And once they end, it's never worth it, because I have to get used to the misery all over again. And there's more for me to think about being without. I don't see any reason why I should just continue enduring this in the vain hope that someday it might be different. You wouldn't invest your life savings in a venture that has never worked just because there's a non-zero chance it might eventually succeed. And pressing on hurts so much, day after day, month after month, and then for years. It's just too much.

    I'm not planning on doing this immediately, though. I have loose ends to tie up, more research to do on the reliability of my chosen method, etc. I'm thinking 1-3 months, but I don't know for sure. I can't tell any of the people I know, because they can't help me, and I don't want them to worry, try to stop me or think I have ulterior motives for saying something. I figured this would be a place I can be open about things, since suicide is on your minds, too. It'd be nice to be able to be open about these feelings.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi and yes you are right this is a place where you may talk openly about your thoughts and feelings of suicide (although talk of methods is not allowed).
    I am sorry you feel so hopeless and I too have felt that horrible feeling of why am I investing in something that is not gonna even likely to pay off... but that is just the thing it does pay off...sometimes it takes small changes, many changes or one big giant one but the reality is change in thinking and outlook / attitude is needed.
    If you continue the way you have the next logical step is offing your self as who wants to live a life of suffering? It is hard but there are many options and if you stick around here you will see all kinds of coping tools that have worked for others and can work for you.
    I don't know if you feel like you can relate to me but if you would like to get to know each other better and see if we might help one another I would like that...I am doing great these days,, had a crappy day today but feel better know cuz I hung in there and tried a few options.
    I won't judge as I have a commit date myself that I find a comfort but I will share what I have support you in the best way that I can.
    It just is not worth it and there is hope..you have SF now and I think you will find many that care about you and this may very well change you world...you have nothing to loose by reaching out and trying now do you?
    Take care Bambi..
  3. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    friends are here; darkness becomes lighter

    i believe there is a good reason for you to sign up here

    i have read every word (some saddened me) your words mean alot to you and i wish you would provide more....some honestly say you dont have questions about this path you choose

    i like why i am here....i like living....its a good thing

    but you dont know me...i am not much of a writer (once earned a living at writing dry reports)

    you have felt like living before i hope that will return help you survive this

    welcome to the site....
  4. From what I read in the guidelines, I figured if I didn't disclose any information specific to a method of self-harm then I wouldn't be violating them. I tried to study all the rules before posting.

    You are right, I'm going to be here for the immediate future anyway so I don't have anything to lose by trying to feel better. I've learned some distress-tolerance skills over the years for dealing with anxiety and panic, and for suppressing the impulses I used to have to self-injure. Those were all for reducing the severity of acute sudden problems, rather than something like this, but I guess it could be possible to make this easier. I'll look into the coping techniques available here.

    I can't really imagine wanting to keep living... just the thought of still being here a year from now gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach. And I worry about accepting help, because I feel badly about disappointing people who try to help me. If everything changed and I could be happy on a regular basis, I'd much prefer that to not existing. But... does life ever work like that?

    Anyway, I am glad to have received responses to promptly. Thank you.
  5. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    you did lighten up and you're welcome

    ok dont know how to do a quote....??

    Incomitatus_01 said
    "But... does life ever work like that?"

    sometimes we each do "life" our own way....sort of troubling the number of responses that would be close to "yes" but not really close enough that you almost feel people didnt really answer like you wanted or how your life really is....

    you will find i dont like to post much so i didnt learn how....i was really afraid to post still feel anxious about it

    if you think about it you could deal with all our posts with "hope" that we sort of want you to survive this....then pass that on to someone else just ready in your mind for what you have to write.... stay with getting to survival then working with others makes it easier not just for them but for you as well
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2010
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