Solipsistic Tentative Initiation

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Bashman, Apr 15, 2009.

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  1. Bashman

    Bashman New Member


    So yeah, as you can plainly tell, I am of the newb variety. I'm not very good at describing myself as a person. I dropped into the chatroom a few times before I came in here and I have to say, I was greeted with a very much mixed reaction. Some people seemed friendly, others, rather hostile, aloof, and self-centred. But the same is true for life, I suppose. I only hope that posting here will prove to be a slightly more consistent experience in terms of peoples' kindness. I definitely know I shouldn't judge, especially as this forum is centred around support for those with a significant amount of personal problems, so I should be embracing and being tolerant of imperfection, instead of childishly pointing it out like so. Still, I thought it appropriate to give a brief recounting of my first impression. I'm certainly not about to draw any conclusions.

    Suicidal thoughts are something that have been an inherent part of me for as long as I can remember. Of course the degree to which they manifest themselves has varied greatly over the years. At times I have gone months without even considering it, at other times I've gotten very close to attempting to execute something. But, in a strange way, I feel like this is very normal. I've heard of so many others who have dealt with heavy, unbearable, respite-less depression as I have, and the concept of suicide becomes like a comfort zone for them, so I know that I am far from alone.

    Yet, despite this, it doesn't mitigate my pain when I'm at my lowest ebb. The past couple of days have been a great example. It feels like nothing can cheer me up, and in fact every attempt or effort, not to mention the occurences that transpire all around me, seem only to exacerbate things.

    My problems are too vast & complicated to lay out complete in detail, so I'll just briefly point out the primary thing that has been eating at me.

    I am 21 years old. I'm very much into politics, literature, science, art, music, and the exploration of the esoteric. I have an incredibly difficult time getting motivated into advancing myself creatively and to edify myself. I try to research & read all these things that I am interested in, but I have such a short attention span and I lack confidence in my ability to take things on, that is assuming I even have it in the first place. It really cripples me and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like I'm losing so much time, I have no direction or impetus. I feel underappreciated and rightly so.

    It is such a challenge, this thing called life. It might be an incredible gift and sometimes it can be truly lovely, but we (or at least, me) have to overcome so much pain, suffering & hardship in order to progress at times. I have conquered myself so far, but I'm not sure for how much longer. I can't even picture myself as a 45 year old. I have so far to go before I can even achieve a semblance of emotional and financial independence, and it seems like you have to be of such a stable mindset in order to attain these things. My brain just cannot function like the people who finish college and then get jobs and maintain a fruitful social life while remaining creative in their spare time. I can't get myself going.

    So yeah! Who knows where this ride will take me. I might stick around for a while, or this may be my first & only post. We will see. Thank you though for the opportunity to air some of my thoughts.

    Kind regards,

  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    First, let me say from my own experience with chat room (which by the way was similar to yours) that I found out too late that it is mostly for mild chit chat and banter and you most likely wouldn't get much help there. However, as did I, you should benefit from continuing as you did, by starting this thread. There are many knowledgable, caring, insightful people here, many of whom share similar problems to what you are experiencing. I need to think about what you've written for a bit longer before trying to make any suggestions but in that time there may be others to respond. Give it some time and welcome to SF.
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    To continue: You really appear no different than most of the people I went to college with at your age in the late 70's, aside from the suicidal aspect, as I can only speak for myself and a couple of others on that subject. We felt the same way. I was in a clique of highly intelligent individuals, some with IQ's in the 150-160 range and unfortunately they had the most trouble focusing and finding success in life. One took his own life, one is a bartender, I take care of my mother after seveal years in the insurance industry, one is totally non-functional. Some went on to be very successful though, in law, medicine, etc... and had families. So at this point I don't think there is any way to predict what will happen. What I do notice though, is your inability to concentrate. Unless this is due to drugs, either prescribed or not, you should seek a medical work-up if you haven't already and if you have and it shows no abnormalities, you should seek a psychological opinion. If you wish to discuss in further detail, feel free to send me a private message; we have many similar interests and I always return messages. I can probably give you a lot more info. Hope I've been of some help!

    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2009
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forum Bashman...The chat room and soapbox can get a little heated sometimes. Don't let that spoil you on the rest of the forums.. The mods and admin. Do a great job keeping them safe so you can feel comfortable posting here..Don't let a few bad apples run you off. For the most part in my experience the members here are very genuine.. Welcome aboard..
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I understand what you are referring to with the chatroom. Don't let it stop you from frequenting there though. You soon learn the members you can gain support from and which are best left to each other. You may find the main forum more suitable to your needs. Hang around awhile and see where you best fit. We have room for people from all walks of life. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2009
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hi and welcome to SF!!
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums.
  8. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    welcome x
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    welcome to sf :)
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