Some Advice Please?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Twinkle ☆ Twinkle, Aug 28, 2013.

  1. Twinkle ☆ Twinkle

    Twinkle ☆ Twinkle Well-Known Member

    A friend of mine has very strong feelings for me. and his feelings overwhelm me because I do not feel the same. I simply can not love him the way he wants me to. I don't want to hurt him, but I pretty much already am just by staying in this toxic, obsessive friendship with him.

    Sometimes I stress alot over this, and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. None of my friends actually like him, so they honestly probably don't want to hear about this anymore. Many of our problems actually stem from the fact he can't get along with any of my friends, so we don't include him when we do stuff and he feels like I ditch him all the time. =/ However I don't intend to ditch him, sometimes I just want to go have fun with my other friends.

    He stalks me alot, is always checking what I do, and forces me to show him my messages and conversations with other people. If feels really invasive, and it's bothersome and annoying that he has so little trust in me. Even though he says he does trust me, I do not believe that he does, and I've told him this.After that he just turns the situation around and says it's me that doesn't trust him.

    He also frequently acts like he owns me or something, and I feel like I have to ask his permission and get his approval to do whatever I want. This makes me feel trapped, and like I lack freedom. I can't do whatever I want, when I want.

    I've talked to some people and they said I just need to let him go because this isn't good for either me or him. But I really care for this person and I'll know I'll be sad and empty without him. He'll probably hate me once I leave too, so I just feel awful. And I can't seem to find the strength to actually let him go. What do I do?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU set BOUNDARIES UP hun you let him know that those boundaries cannot be crossed if they are then the friendship will not work ok One boundary is you do not need his permission to go anywhere if he brings that up then back away some until he understands Another boundary would be he does not get to look at your messages if he does not like that then again he is putting friendship at risk not you . The stalking scare me really i think he need to know that it bothers you a nd that too must stop A healthy relationship friendship has boundaries so set them up and don't let him cross them hugs
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you're in a tough spot with this. Sounds like you're feeling a little torn in different directions - caring about him but wanting YOUR life. TE is correct that he needs to respect your boundaries - he can care about you and you about him, but you can't tell one another what to do and who to see/not see, and so on.

    I've quoted your comments above because I actually find them kind of scary. A friend (just friend, bf, gf, partner, spouse, parent, sibling) will trust you and encourage you to have your own interests and friends apart from them. This guy doesn't seem to trust you.

    You actually use the word "stalks" - which means "hunts" or "follows." Few of us would be comfortable with someone watching/following/wanting to know our every move. It's really not right if that is what he is doing. He doesn't own you, and you don't need permission from him to live your life and see other friends. No one should force another person to share private messages and personal plans with others. A good friend would back off if asked to back off.

    Have you read about signs of an abusive relationship? There's info about that at this link: I'm not saying he IS abusive - I don't know him - but I do think he needs to back off a bit and cool his jets.
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I've just read this thread and.. ouch..

    I'd even go as far as to suggest there is a possibility of harassment going on here. He doesn't have any right to know your every move/message, and if it's really getting to you - suggest to him, in front of a witness if possible, that if he does carry on, you'll report him to local authorities.

    It sounds like it's hurting you more than it's hurting him, not the other way around. You don't want to "leave him to be alone" - yet your own life is suffering.

    Start keeping a diary of what he does (on here if you prefer) - and that way you could "copy/paste" written words to MS Word so that you can print out what he does should you need evidence.

    This is just a different perspective - Acy's advice is spot on.

    Remember - your life is for you to live/choose what you do/where you go/who you share information with etc. You have the right to refuse to tell anyone because unless it concerns them - it is simply none of their business.
  5. Twinkle ☆ Twinkle

    Twinkle ☆ Twinkle Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the advice and support guys. I really appreciate it. A few days ago I finally decided to pull away from the relationship. And I haven't been talking to the guy. He keeps messaging me though. I feel really uneasy, because truth is I really don't want to leave him alone, however I'm not sure this is a healthy relationship.

    In his last message he was actually rather different and tried being nice. I feel so torn. I don't know if I should respond or not, after all before we stopped talking he basically said I was a bitch at that he was gonna get rid of me. =/ So at that point I just left.
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Best thing you can do is make a clean break, it's healthier for you and kinder to him.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, sweetie. I agree with Terry - a clean, fast break is better for both of you.

    In abusive situations, the abuser will often apologize and behave well if s/he thinks the partner might leave. When it happens over and over, it's called the cycle of abuse: - quiet/"good" times followed by increasing tension, name calling, arguments, violence, followed by the target's "I'm going to leave," followed by the abuser's "I'm sorry. It will never happen again. I promise."

    You must do whatever is best for you. I hope you stay in touch with us here.