some advices maybe..i feel so alone

[andrei]

Maybe some of you won't see the trouble i'm into, but i have to say it gets harder and harder for me to exist every day.
I am 24, also into a relationship with a girl since i was 18. But i don't love her anymore, or at least not like a man should love his future wife. Yes, i don't intend to marry her, but she doesn't know that yet.
All the trouble started about one year ago, when i just met the most interesting girl, this is what i was thinking at that moment. It was just a spark, after 3 dates that girl stopped answering the phone, i guess she didn't like my face, or something else don't know, i don't think anymore about that.
But at that time i was inlove already, and spent a few nights without sleeping, watching the walls and thinking what went wrong and how beautiful it could have been.
Anyway, to forget her, my old girlfriend was not a big help, so i started to look for another one to make me stop thinking at my 3-date love. After a while i met another girl...fell inlove again, the girl was great, smart, funny, beautiful, but with a little problem..she was a SDA (adventist) and i am orthodox...not my problem, but hers. I appologise to all SDAs reading this, but i really think they get brainwashed in those churches...she dumped me in a way (or something like "i want you as my friend, not as my lover") saying i will finally fall in sin, because they all do (except SDAs of course). I spent a few weeks trying to show her my interest in her beliefs, to make her understand i won't dissapoint her (i was not lying) but i tihnk the walls understood more than she did...so i finally told her to stop bothering me (I can't be "just friends" with a woman i love, it's just a weight too heavy for me).
To forget last one i dated another 2-3 girls, noting special, this time it really worked, stopped thinking about the SDA. I felt some of the feelings for my old girlfriend were back, it was getting better..until one particulary day, when i met the girl that drives me crazy right now.
Or i'd better say, she met me, she seduced me, made me fall for her..We had 2 months together, until she left to France to study, for 8 months. I knew from the beginning she will leave, but i just couldn't stay away...i love her with all my heart, and all i want is to be with her...
I must add that after i fell for her she lost part of the interest shown for me.. she's the type who needs a chalange all the time i guess..anyway i'm against playing games when it's about love, so i don't care about that, i give all that i have best.
At this time it passed 3 weeks since she's gone, and i'm already not down..but 3 feet under. I was down in the day she left, now i'm just a desperate, insecure freak. Not just because she's away, but because i know i she is for me much more than i am for her. I call her every night, when i catch her of course, because some nights she sleeps at her coleagues or goes to clubs. At least that's what she says. She seems to be a honest one, with a strong character and very determined, and compared to her i'm a puppy.
Wen she doesn't answer her mobile, when she doesn't answer home, when she doesn't give me an instant message...i feel like the sky is falling down in my head. Now it's 2 days since she stopped giving me any sign (not even a mobile beep) and i feel this is the end of my dead-end tunnel. I thought and hoped time will make it easyer, but every day that passes makes it harder for me. I stopped eating, sleeping, smoke all the time, can't concentrate at work...i can't stand it anymore. My old girlfriend is not of any help, because i'm to coward to tell her something, this time i don't want another one to help me forgetting her, got tired, i just want her...my so-called friends don't care about what is in my heart. I just want this to stop...can't handle the pain anymore, can't afford medical assistance and also don't want...i am too weak to choose the hard way, one of these days i will go for the easy way...the subway It could end my pain in a blink of the eye. The only thing that still stops me doing that is thinking at my parents that love me so much, this will be the end of them too. They know what my situation, just don't know how much i suffer. But i don't know how much this will count anymore, as long as it's getting uglyer avery day. Especially every night, when i enter my bed and i start thinking at my girl in france, and crying like hell.
I don't know what i need, except for HER. I also hope for some advice from you, maybe there's somebody who experienced something close to this. It's lack of trust and self respect, it's selfishness, it's cowardness and more other ugly parts of the human nature.
PS if one of my friends reads this, please find a gun and shoot me when i don't expect.
or someone please help someway...advices won't help a lot
thanks
Andrei

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Hmmm, well I don't know what to say. You see I have never even had a girlfriend, I am 21. What can I say to you, not much. You seem to like new things really. Really you sound like a character out of a Manga I read. The manga is called Futari Ecchi. And there is this one female character in it. She wants what she cannot have the main male character, who is a married man. And by have I mean she cannot perform intercourse with him. So she has a fixation on him using her wits to try and manipulate him into performing intercourse with her, she fails thus far.

You are similar you want what you cannot have. You have a girlfriend but date other females seeking a new mate, while keeping your old mate around. And most females you date you seem to obsess over. And those who catch your fancy, whether it be just general personality or body, and you cannot have you get depressed as if you were left or betrayed. No offense but with this female who went to France, the SDA (Whatever that means), and the first female, it sounds to me like after you got to know them like you have your girlfriend they would become boring to you and you would seek the next more interesting thing.

Overall I would say you appreciate your short term relationships more than you could ever apperciate a long term relationship.

So what can you do to fix this? Well first re-evaluate what you want in a person and in a relationship. Look deep and hard look for what drew you to your current girlfriend and why you eventually lost your passion for her. Then look at these other relationships and ask what made those girls SO special to you. However, this is a long difficult process that might reveal something about you that you will hate. Trust me it most likely will. But in the end you will most likely find what you seek in the way of a person and a relationship. That is the hard way, the easier way. Well that is simple, first dump your "old" girlfriend get her out of your life in general. You have said yourself she is of no help to you and makes situations worse despite her lack of knowledge. Then start dating multiple women, at the same time. Just like you have really the only difference is that you do not have a deep relationship with the multiple women you would be dating.

Like I said I have never had a relationship no female, or male for that matter, has given me the light of day even when I give them the light of day. The simplest way out would be what my dad does. Trying everyday of the week to have a different female to perform intercourse with. I don't know I hope that this was not too confusing. Any questions just PM me.

 

[andrei]

thanks, but you should know "intercourse" is not my reason for meeting other girls. The only reason is my need to love and to be loved. I don't love my old girlfriend anymore because when i met her I was 18, at that age I was looking only at the outside, not in the inside too. Looks good, very understanding, but not much to talk with her anymore. Now i'm changed, i look for the brains first, and only after at the outside.
Talked to my girl in france last night...told me she may finish her studies there...that means another 2 years..asked her if she still wants me to visit her in february (that's what we planned before she left)..she said she doesn't know anymore..
i guess that's about it..
i'm finished

 

[Forgotten_Man]

thanks, but you should know "intercourse" is not my reason for meeting other girls. The only reason is my need to love and to be loved. I don't love my old girlfriend anymore because when i met her I was 18, at that age I was looking only at the outside, not in the inside too. Looks good, very understanding, but not much to talk with her anymore. Now i'm changed, i look for the brains first, and only after at the outside.
Talked to my girl in france last night...told me she may finish her studies there...that means another 2 years..asked her if she still wants me to visit her in february (that's what we planned before she left)..she said she doesn't know anymore..
i guess that's about it..
i'm finished

Hmmm ok I believe you. The other thing I might say is you seem to believe love is a quick and simple process then. If you find a person interesting enough you must love them. But true love, the love you probably seek, takes quite a while to find.

Now as for this france girl. You said she seduced you correct? I do not think that she is looking for love with you. I think that when you guys met she was just looking for a good time. Maybe she is not the one you should be looking at. Maybe look somewhere a little more local to yourself. Or maybe even right in front of you.

Just remember this is a new age. In this age women will seduce and take advantage of men just as much as men will seduce and take advantage of women. Sorry if I am assuming stuff here. Just watch out ok. As a general philosophy I believe that anyone who would have sex with someone else within like a month of meeting them is just looking for sex not a relationship. But I do not know from experience.

 

[andrei]

you don't get it..it's not about sex at all...for your information, not that this matters, the girl is a virgin...so it's not anything related to sex.
It's only about soul and heart..burned out by now..only ash left.
Yes, i fell inlove pretty fast, in about 3 weeks, trust me, if you find the right girl, it's more than enough. But forgetting her is impossible. I don't want somebody else, i don't want something else for replacement, because it's usefull. There is nothing left now...i am so unusefull..having a shit life and living just for breathing. No purpose, nothing. You say you're 21 and never had a girlfriend..if it's not only about getting layed, i am in a similar situation...needing to receive and give love. A difference is that i know what i've lost..a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity...a girl i've been dreaming about in the last years...and now it's all gone. At least i know i've done all that i could not to loose her..never made a mistake..this is all i have. And my wish for her to be happy. I tryed to look around, to other girls, tried to detach myself from her, but can't. All i see is her, all i hear is her voice, all i breath is her parfume. I felt asleep for 2 hours last night, woke up so relaxed for a second, until my first thought went to her, and felt again the pain raising in my veins. Until she comes back for the summer, probably i'll become an unemployed unshaved smelly shit, and i'll start to stalk her. And i don't want that. I want her to remember my image from now. I hate myself for being a selfish bastard, one with so small problems compared to others, but this is me..i will soon die and go to hell. Don't care as long as she won't be around.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

you don't get it..it's not about sex at all...for your information, not that this matters, the girl is a virgin...so it's not anything related to sex.
It's only about soul and heart..burned out by now..only ash left.
Yes, i fell inlove pretty fast, in about 3 weeks, trust me, if you find the right girl, it's more than enough. But forgetting her is impossible. I don't want somebody else, i don't want something else for replacement, because it's usefull. There is nothing left now...i am so unusefull..having a shit life and living just for breathing. No purpose, nothing. You say you're 21 and never had a girlfriend..if it's not only about getting layed, i am in a similar situation...needing to receive and give love. A difference is that i know what i've lost..a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity...a girl i've been dreaming about in the last years...and now it's all gone. At least i know i've done all that i could not to loose her..never made a mistake..this is all i have. And my wish for her to be happy. I tryed to look around, to other girls, tried to detach myself from her, but can't. All i see is her, all i hear is her voice, all i breath is her parfume. I felt asleep for 2 hours last night, woke up so relaxed for a second, until my first thought went to her, and felt again the pain raising in my veins. Until she comes back for the summer, probably i'll become an unemployed unshaved smelly shit, and i'll start to stalk her. And i don't want that. I want her to remember my image from now. I hate myself for being a selfish bastard, one with so small problems compared to others, but this is me..i will soon die and go to hell. Don't care as long as she won't be around.

Ahh sorry... often times when people use the word "seduce" they often times mean sex was involved, my bad. So not to be sarcastic.. but you found the right girl three times? Because you described similar thought patterns and problems for 3 different females. As a character of another manga said "You are the master of love at first site" or as another character said "You are in love with falling in love".

So my best guess to help you would be for you to find another female. I mean no offense but you seem to fixate rather easily. First there was the one who never called you back. Then there was the one who was an SDA. Finally there is this female in France. The way you talked about each you spoke of them as "the girl". And you seemed to forget the previous girl before that. I guess I just don't understand your thought pattern..... I want to help I do but I don't know what to say other than "Go find another girl". Other than that maybe re-evaluate your idea of love or do something rash and impulsive like go visit the female in France. I don't know what else to say?