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Some confessions

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Trashcat, Jul 26, 2007.

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  1. Trashcat

    Trashcat Guest

    I'm 23 year old male living in Bulgaria (It's in Easter Europe). I've been feeling depressed and suicidal for many years now, but I've been afraid to tell anyone because they'll think I'm too much trouble to handle, a pussy, a loser and so on.
    I'm in a draining relationship with an ex-girlfriend who I still want to have "a beyond just friends intimacy with (sex)" with but she says she couldn't, cause she would devleop feelings for me again and that would be bad. And se keeps calling me with her problems about new guys she likes and I'm very good at calming her down and giving her advice and I feel godd for being needed and that I can help. But it drains me emotionally to do that since I maybe am the person who's done the most for her and she still despises me for being what I am. And I can't blame her, really (although I do), I have no job I dropped out of university, I spend all my time at home and I'm terrified to go outside and meet people, beacause I'm horrified of the prospect that they would not like me. And even if they like me, if they ever get to know me they would feel disgusted, so no meeting people for me. The tension in my family is unbearable, my friends from school call me and I always have to think of an excuse not to go see them. I am afraid of everything. I live in a nightmare. I can't get through the day without getting drunk during daytime and drinking a lot of caffeine during the night to get hmm "high" and hyperactive and get happy thoughts and a positive rush.
    Recently I watched this anime called "Welcome to the NHK" and the protagonist there was in the same condition as me, so at least I know the term "hikikomori" now. My only pleasure a re eating ( I'm fat now), drinking, masturbating and internet now and keep hoping this situation is something I'll emerge from, learned a valuable lesson or something but I'm losing hope every day.
    I desperately need someone to hug or have any intimacy with but I don't have any friends anymore and I'm too scared to look for new ones and I keep dreaming how I go to my grandparent's and get my granddad's <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> so this fucking horror can fucking end, just end...I can't sleep, I wake up exhausted, I must hide from everybody all the time, I've been to two psychiatrist already which couldn't help much and I am desperate now, in a state of silent panic which I keep trying to suppress by alcochol or other drugs but it's all one trip to the bottom for me and I can't seem to stop myself. There has to be a way I just need to wake up so badly...
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2007
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Alcohol and caffeine are actually a depressant so although you may think they are helping you out with certain things, they may actually be contributing to your problems. When you went to the psychs, did they put you on meds? If so, how long were you on them? Sometimes it takes many different trials to find the meds that are right for you. So much is by trial and error. You must have patience and perseverence to find the best combinations to help you. I know you said it is difficult for you to get out. Sometimes we have to force aourselves to do things that we are not entirely comfortable doing in order to begin the healing process. See if you can make yourself go out a little bit each day. Increase the time and distance each day that you are successful. Have faith in yourself. You can get through this. :hug:
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