Some days I just want to kill everyone I see.

I just feel so angry and bitter. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at the world around me. I just...I'm tired of hitting walls every time I make progress. I'm not really feeling suicidal, more homicidal. Not for any particular reason, I just want to take my frustrations out on someone or something. I just constantly feel like I'm being set back all the damn time. Like I feel like I'm taking big steps in recovering, but then I find out I've only taken a baby step. I feel like I found a solution, then I hit another wall I have to climb. Just...Fuck, man. Just come on.

This is my punishment I guess. I had everything I ever wanted and I fucked it up. I deserve this. I deserve to be alone. I deserve to be punished. I deserve it all. Karma really is a bitch...

Every day I become slightly more bitter, slightly more cold, slightly more cynical and slightly more hateful...But even as I type this I feel numb. I feel empty...I dunno anymore...

 

I feel the same way too, except for the deserving it part. And I feel suicidal as well as homicidal. Why do you think you deserve it? How did you fuck everything up?

 

Personally, I think there are at least three main categories 'homicidal thoughts' can be divided into:
1) The first one being a real desire to kill, probably driven by an enormous amount of aggression and anger as well as frustration, accompanied by a lust for blood and the urge to cause physical violence in any form to another human being because the murderer gets a form of pleasure from it.
2) The second one being a desire to act on feelings of vengeance by killing someone ('Society did nothing for me/treated me wrong etc., now I'll show them...')
3) And the third one being more of a thought experiment without the desire to act on these thoughts in reality ('What would happen if I killed XY..maybe I could
get all my aggression out this way and wouldn't feel frustrated anymore...omg what am I thinking, I would never do this in reality anyways')

I don't know which category applies for you, though. Besides, maybe it's just my opinion, but I don't think it's a rare thing that suicidal and homicidal thoughts go along
with eachother. And after all, you don't just wake up wanting to kill somebody, homicidal thoughts are always caused by something. But I guess no one on here can tell you
what causes them for you. Your 'depression'? (put in quotation marks because I don't like classifying people). Could be. But it could also be some kind of Harm OCD
or something even more serious. If you believe in psychiatry (I don't), you could follow Petal's advice and consult someone, seek medical attention and see where it takes you.

 

My therapist once told me that anger can be a very productive emotion. It is more often destructive, but if you try hard, you can produce much more than you think. I'm having a hard time with anger and resentment at the moment and ive completely ripped out all of the stuff I didnt want in my garden. Even with the weather being horrible, it was so cathartic just physically taking my frustration out on the garden. Do you have anything you can do which will utilise that negative energy, but produce a positive result?

I hope all improves and you realise that any step in the right direction, no matter how big, is somethjng to celebrate.
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