I just need to get it out of my head. I don't know. I know that I should go to a hospital- but I simply cannot. I've been to hospitals, I've done therapy, I've had more treatment than most people could imagine. I am so tired, so very tired of being alive. I feel like an absolute jerk writing this- you know how many people I've counseled OUT of suicide? How many people I have told "treatment works" and "you just need to call 911". I guess I don't consider myself treatable, I don't consider myself worthy of help. Pretty soon the hospital won't be an option anyway because other people depend on me too much for things like childcare- I can't go into the hospital for a couple weeks, they can't take off work like that, they'll loose their home. I'm a failure- I've failed at absolutely every single thing I have tried. I don't know, I know that sounds so negative and superficial- but really, I have failed at everything I have attempted in the last 22 years. I can't even do college right- I have no hope of going back. I hate myself for screwing that up. I'm in dept up to my ears between student loans and medical bills things I can't ever imagine affording to pay off. I have friends graduating from these great universities and I can't even manage community college. My IQ is somewhere in mensa territory yet I can't even manage to wash dishes- how absolutely pathetic. I have a large life insurance policy taken out on me as a child. It is all my life is worth, I know I have no hope of contributing that much to the world in my lifetime, I only have hope to suck up resources other people need and deserve. My family could really use that money. And no one would miss me anyway. I'm just a mistake, I'm just a failure and a mistake, it's all I've ever been and it's all I'll ever be. I'm not sure what stops me from giving up anymore... I'm not even sure why I'm posting here.