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Some days

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Naida Lee, Jul 30, 2008.

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  1. Naida Lee

    Naida Lee New Member

    I just need to get it out of my head. I don't know. I know that I should go to a hospital- but I simply cannot. I've been to hospitals, I've done therapy, I've had more treatment than most people could imagine. I am so tired, so very tired of being alive. I feel like an absolute jerk writing this- you know how many people I've counseled OUT of suicide? How many people I have told "treatment works" and "you just need to call 911". I guess I don't consider myself treatable, I don't consider myself worthy of help. Pretty soon the hospital won't be an option anyway because other people depend on me too much for things like childcare- I can't go into the hospital for a couple weeks, they can't take off work like that, they'll loose their home.

    I'm a failure- I've failed at absolutely every single thing I have tried. I don't know, I know that sounds so negative and superficial- but really, I have failed at everything I have attempted in the last 22 years. I can't even do college right- I have no hope of going back. I hate myself for screwing that up. I'm in dept up to my ears between student loans and medical bills things I can't ever imagine affording to pay off. I have friends graduating from these great universities and I can't even manage community college. My IQ is somewhere in mensa territory yet I can't even manage to wash dishes- how absolutely pathetic.

    I have a large life insurance policy taken out on me as a child. It is all my life is worth, I know I have no hope of contributing that much to the world in my lifetime, I only have hope to suck up resources other people need and deserve. My family could really use that money. And no one would miss me anyway. I'm just a mistake, I'm just a failure and a mistake, it's all I've ever been and it's all I'll ever be. I'm not sure what stops me from giving up anymore... I'm not even sure why I'm posting here.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi, and welcome. it's funny how our minds work... you worry about letting down your friends 'cos you are doing childcare for them, but i am sure they would much rather you got well than have you dead. dead definitely messes up their childcare!

    i think you know what you have to do. yes, treatment works, for you included but sometimes we can't see that when we are in the middle of a depression. we revert to those negative messages, and go back what we have always known - our failures, our setbacks, our self-hatred.

    you sound like a caring, intelligent and warm person. sure you are focused on the negatives but they are not some truth about you. they are just the lies that depression is feeding you.

    please go for some help. you deserve it and you are so worth it.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Naida Lee,
    You need to fight off those negative thoughts with positive ones. Like for instance you watch other ppl's get kids and you are probably good with kids!!That is a major positive. When you get down like that you need to kick those thoughts to the curb and replace them with a positive thought. We hope you will not to harm yourself!!We would like to get to know you better. If you are good with kids I give you a major ataboy. I couldn't do it, they are fine in small doses but to have to deal with them on a regular basis(NOOOOWAYYYY).Please stick around I could use another friend!! Be Carefull.
  4. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Are you the type person that will make sure everyone else is happy before you? People pleaser?

    I am right there with you.....all of my friends,acquaintances and even strangers, will come to me with their issues,problems etc. I really didn't mind it but I sacrificed my own well being for the last 33 years and here I am, continuing this life that is void of self worth,reality and love etc.

    I can relate to your thoughts on therapy and hospitals. I don't like to feel like a patient. More so that I have pride and very stubborn. I've been told by several psychiatrist that I am one of the most strong willed and complicated persons they ever dealth with---maybe that's why I got kicked out :dry:

    Why does your well being have to come in second of these people......it's not the end of the world is it if they have to find another childcare---right?

    Why do you worry if they lose their homes? Isn't everyone responsible for themselves?
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome Naida Lee. You mention you know you should go back into the hospital, but they depend on you to care for their children so you can't be gone for a few weeks. If you were to suicide, it would not be a few weeks you would need to be gone, it would be for the lifetime of those children. Ask them if they can make alternative arrangements for a little while. If you were hospitalized for an emergency situation you would think nothing of them finding alternative care. Take care of yourself so you will be around to take care of others if that is what you want to do. :hug:
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Naida Lee,
    I am just checking in with you! How are you doing? I hope you are feeling a little better! Have you thought anymore about getting help? You really need the help. You have to heal yourself so you can work with the children. Any way I just wanted to say good morning and have a good day!!!
  7. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Hi Naida lee. I hope things are looking up for you now. I have to agree with what everyone has said here. Look into getting a therapist or something. I know it might not seem ideal but it might help you in the long run :hug:
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Nadia. Please don't give up hope. Don't feel like you have to measure up to someone else's expectations to have a good life. You can always go back to college when you're ready. You sound like a very kind and caring person who always trys to make everyone else happy. Your happiness also matters and its time that you did things that make you happy. And also, your family will probably lose the insurance policy if you comitted suicide. :hug:
  9. Naida Lee

    Naida Lee New Member

    I'm doing better. Hospital wouldn't admit me right now so there is no reason to go.

    Thanks for the replies, they were helpful. Like I said, I just needed to get it out of my head.

    Nope- it's covered 100%. Some policy do make an exemption though, but usually the exemption lasts no longer than 2 years. Having a policy makes everything more difficult though when it comes to having chronic suicidal thoughts.
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