Some fresh minds, perhaps;

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Junesong, Jan 2, 2011.

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  1. Junesong

    Junesong Member

    Sorry that it's so long, I can't articulate unless I try to explain thoroughly. I've spent the past couple of days wondering whether to bother anyone here with this or not, and I'm aware my problems are a drop in the ocean to how some people here are feeling, but I seem to be out of options.

    To start with, I'm sorry if this is the wrong section, please move it as you see fit. I figured here'd be the best place. While I dance with the thought when I'm at my lowest I don't think I want to die yet so I didn't think the suicide section would have been right.

    I'm not all too sure what I'm expecting here, maybe someone with similar experience or a gentle push in the right direction. I've 4 real friends, three of which are in long-term relationships and one is a cynic, so I didn't have much hope there. I tried two of them but both are lost for words after a while and I just feel like I'm making them uncomfortable. I've tried a couple of online friends, one I stopped opening up to because I'm worried I'll trigger her and the other I am sure is getting fed up of me being awkward too - so perhaps you guys can help!

    I'll try to split my worries up. First is a girl. I know I could possibly get over her if I tried but I don't like the idea of turning my back on something which is probably being damaged by my own paranoia as it is. We haven't met. I met her on a chat site a couple of years ago, visited again a few months back and found she played Xbox again. Great! We added each other and spent more or less every night playing together. We'd call each other until my phone got so hot it was uncomfortable to hold and she had to reluctantly let me sleep because I became pretty grumpy by about 2am on a work night. This was awesome, I felt like I had a great friend. She sent me a present for my birthday, perfectly wrapped with a card that she'd really put some thought into choosing and we carried on as we were. We would even choose a movie to watch on a Saturday night and watch it at the same time. She was going to meet me, and seemed genuinely serious about it, but now I've tried mentioning it and the topic gets ignored.

    Being a girl on Xbox she naturally gets a lot of attention and it's always bothered me but I said nothing, even when she started being really friendly to them and making me feel so low I almost just stopped playing at all. Things started to drop off as she stopped calling me at night, I had to call her on my way home from work and even then she'd sometimes ignore it and wait until she left for work to call back. I didn't mind so much, as long as she called me I felt amazing. A few days ago she meets another guy in game and we play with him, no problem, he seemed pretty decent. Now it's at the point where she'll appear offline while playing with him, I just turned my Xbox off as the three of us were in-game and the two of them had gone into private chat leaving me on my own.

    I don't mind her playing with other people, while I am a little jealous I just feel so left out it's driving me to despair! I hate the idea of losing my friend, even if nothing happened between us she is a friend I value very much. I want to approach her about how it's making me feel but then I stop myself - why should she be made to feel uncomfortable because I am jealous of someone? I don't want to come off as needy or make her dislike talking to me and so I am absolutely stuck with how to broach the subject to her. She means so much to me and I'm worried sick that if I do nothing, she will just forget about me, but if I say the wrong thing she will not want to talk to me at all anyway.

    Along with this I'm returning to work on Tuesday. A dead-end job which I hate but unfortunately I've no qualifications worth a damn and don't have the sort of luxury to enroll back in college as the courses cost more than I can afford living on my own. The place is run by management without any clue about how to treat their workforce properly, possibly just like many other companies out there and I haven't a clue how I can push myself forward. All I can see if this same horrid house and job in my future and it's really pushing me over the edge.

    Thanks to both of these I think I'm suffering from depression, but I do not know. I've taken the Burns test here and scored 95, taken an NHS online test and told to see a GP about severe depression. I feel horrid now but with the problems above I don't think I can go and see a doctor, they seem so petty and pathetic to bring this on but my symptoms seem to be cause for concern. I've lost about a stone in weight, bringing me to 7 and a half with a BMI of 15.7, where 18.5 or less is the basis of being underweight. I haven't eaten a meal in about a week, I told my family I didn't want to see them over Christmas and have avoided several invites from my friends to meet up for a night out.

    It's hard to open up about this to my friends, the problems seem so small and all they say is "do this" "tell her this" but I just have no motivation at all. I've spent most of the day going from crying to chain-smoking and back to crying and I just feel so down, it's up and down, right now I am not so upset, but in half an hour I will probably be crying again. I don't quite know where to start at all. Any ideas?

    Hitting submit before I delete this again.
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Dan
    I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time but I do think that you need to see your doctor. Depression can spiral down pretty quickly and become a lot harder to get out of.
    You needn't worry that your problems are too insignificant or anything like that. Once depression gets hold of you the tiniest things become major in your mind and become triggering.
    That's part of your problem now. You're not reacting well to the situation with your friend because you're in a depression. Similarly you can't see any future at work for the same reason.
    Talk to your doctor about the possibility of a short course of anti depressants. You may also find it helpful to look at 'talking therapies'.
    You can always post on here for support - take some time to read some threads and get to know the members.
    PM me if you need to talk privately
  3. Junesong

    Junesong Member

    Thank you, you summed that up better than I could have imagined and I appreciate it a lot. I haven't seen a doctor in about 10 years and don't really remember who or where my family would take me, can I just book an appointment somewhere or do I have to submit my details for them to open a file?

    Thanks again for your time, I can see it's very valuable around here.
  4. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Hey Dan, I'm sorry things are so rough at the moment. I can completely understand how you must be feeling about this girl. I think you are perfectly justified to feel jealous and left out, although I suppose she is not to blame as she's not really done anything wrong. Having said that, I do think it's a bit rude to go into the private chat and leave you alone.

    I think you should speak to her, because you can't really lose anything and at least you'll know where you stand. I would approach it as though she was a male friend, and explain that it makes you feel left out when they go into private chat, especially when you were such good friends. Don't mention that you feel jealous, because you don't want her to think that you thought there was more to your relationship than there was. But be honest, and see if she can explain why her behaviour has changed so much.

    Also, as Catherine says, it might be worth seeing your doctor, as it does sound as though you have depression, which is a dangerously slippery slope. It's best to try to stop it now, before it's grip gets too tight.

    Your jobs sounds just like my old job. Don't lose hope though - I thought I'd be stuck there forever, but I managed to escape to a far better job, and now I'm back at uni changing my fortunes forever. Keep perservering and job-hunting, the right one will come along, have faith. In the meantime, enquire at local colleges about part-time courses, some aren't very expensive, and you might qualify for funding too. It's worth looking into.

    I hope things start looking brighter soon.

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