Hi. I've been rolling around the forums for a little while now, and I am having serious trouble dealing with severe depression and self hate. I've been this way since I was about 8 years old, but I always have found a way to deal with it in semi-constructive ways, like collecting, studying and trying to keep my mind as occupied as I can. Over the last 3-4 months it has become impossible to deal with, and I can't seem to use any coping methods to hold it back. I had my first really bad panic attack on the way to work, (the incident) and I've been boucing back and forth with these attacks and anxiety issues since. I played video and computer games up until "the incident," but now I can't touch them. They just feel empty. I also collected guns, which is probably a really bad idea for someone who is depressed. They just made sense to me, and I liked how well I could understand how they worked. They just "felt right," and I really enjoyed talking to people about them. I have also become horrified by violence, to the point that I become light-headed and shakey when I see blood or gore... perhaps that is the reason I can't play videogames or collect guns anymore. In the last couple months, I tried filling my time with music and socializing with others. It's only a temporary help, and I rarely go a day without feeling crushed. I don't feel good about where I am going in life, and I want to do something important. Right now I am a network administrator for a couple small companies and a school district. I feel unappreciated and overburdened with work. I keep rolling ideas in my head like quiting my job, selling most of my belongings and joining a charitable organization so I can help people. I don't know if it would be a wise thing to do though, as my current job pays well and is pretty flexible. What scares me most is my family history on my mother's side. My grandmother hasn't left her home for 4 years because of her anxiety disorder, and my mother and uncle have similar issues. I'm terrified that I will be next. I don't know what to do. I think I need to see a doctor. Maybe he/she could put me on some medication to help with my issues. I want to beat this, but some days it's so bad I have tried to kill myself. The only thing holding me back is the thought of one of my brothers following in my footsteps, and the pain it would cause my already unsteady family. Maybe it will be better tomorrow. I've never sought help before for this, so where do I start? I don't know who to go talk to so I can be prescribed something. Sorry for the rambling; it sometimes helps relieve some of the pressure.