Some help? I beg you?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Silver_Wasp, Mar 1, 2009.

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  1. Silver_Wasp

    Silver_Wasp Member

    So, I'm new here. *waves*

    Acctually, no I'm not. I just haven't got on here since early 2006! And it was one time...

    I feel very alone. But I'm in a very good mood tonight so I wrote this as pleasently as possible. I might get a little upset, please take no offence.

    I shall tell you what's going on now.

    I'm not only an internet-a-holic, but am constantly researching suicide and borderline personality disorder. I have been to many many sites in my years, and forums never were the best place to get help or support. But I'll give it one more shot. But I warn you, this is LONG!

    I'm pretty sure people will want all the info they can before they can attempt to assist my situation. So here we go!

    Currently I'm an 18 year old (19 tomorrow XD) white male, weighing in at 315 lbs. I've been diagnosed with several things including but not limited to:

    -Severe Depression
    -Borderline Personality Disorder
    -Insulin Resistance
    -Sleep Apnea
    -Acid Reflux
    -High Blood Pressure
    -Morbid Obesity

    That's just what I can remember so far. Anyway, My life has not been pleasant. The farthest memory I can recall is that of my father hitting my mother for not doing something, I believe I was about 2 1/2. We were all abused. A lot of people can relate to abuse, but you must realize, my father is different. He is about 260 lbs of mostly muscle. He is also a radio announcer, mostly because his voice is very deep and intimidating. That is very scary for any child.

    When I did something wrong, I was spanked so hard his hand would hurt. I grew up like this. When I started school, I was a very slow learner. I could do the work but only so much, and it needed more help and more time. I eventually started breaking down. I became overweight, was teased, and lost hope. But I was only about 9 by then, and I didn't know what was going on. During that time I was getting worse by the second. The worse the grades, the more I was beat and yelled at. Eventually, I went to a doctor. I was prescribed a high dose of Zoloft at about 9 years old. everyone seemed to think that helped. I was in fact, too drugged to know anything until recently. Over the years I gained more and more meds. Until I reached a nice dosage of 18 meds a day. Most were for depression and such. Some of which were:


    There were many, and I was young. But I remember those names for sure.

    My father hated me and wouldn't be there, he worked a lot also. My mom started a job and I had to fend for myself after school. My friends constantly would leave me. I began to just loose it.

    At about 9th grade I couldn't function. Attempted suicide that year. Nobody even knew I tried. I had attempted once before, but I really don't remember anything about it. Just waking up on the floor.

    High school! It was the best of times, it was the WORST of times! 10th grade was about as bad as 9th. I had recently met a good friend that I actually hung out with every day! Bad part was, I did something and that night he killed himself!

    But it was very interesting to me. I watched everyone cry and cry, say how sorry they were, ect... But I didn't cry. My attitude was that of "well I'm not really surprised, and it was his choice." I was sad, sure. But only because I had nothing to do after school now. Life goes on... For everyone else of coarse, haha.

    After that I went to an alternative high school where I graduated around bottom of my class, of about 50 kids. Before I graduated I got a job at a new store that had opened up. It was one I liked. GameStop. But was very worried. I had two jobs before, both lasted about 3 weeks. But I handled this job with every ounce of strength I had. And made it until 2 weeks from the 1 year anniversary. By then I was a manger, 3rd from the top in fact. But after one of my bosses lost a lot of sleep and worked a lot of overtime with no pay, she got very upset and gave everyone final warnings. I had never heard that I had done something wrong, ever. She claimed several things had happened, all of which could easily been explained. But I knew she was out for blood, and I was forced to quit.

    After the job I started my current situation, Nothing.

    I stopped medicine and got my mind back. And before anyone starts criticizing me, Yes I know it can kill you! I was kinda hoping for that outcome, but alas, I'm here. I also think I'm better in some ways. I can finally think again! Yay! My processing speeds are outrageous compared to my old self. I think of it like this, I was on medium difficulty on a face paced rhythm game called guitar hero for years. After meds I moved to expert in a month.

    I can now think freely. Usually good for most people. But it's saddening for me because I now see everything I couldn't before. The world is a terrible place. Horrible things take place here. I was too young an naive to see what was happening to me before, so I could not stop it. I lost everything. I could have got help when I was young. Now it is too late. I'm unbearably depressed because I know what happened. I feel like I went through my whole childhood as a zombie. If you've ever seen a movie called "Click" with Adam Sandler, it's like how he fast forwards through his life and sees what happened and has no way of changing it because he didn't even know what was happening.

    It's the weirdest feeling ever. I feel 18, but I also feel like 9 or something. I act 18 but have the emotions of a 9 year old. I'm 18 most of the time, but I get into a thing where I'm upset, confused, and suicidal. It's unbearable. Those meds F'ed me over.

    Now I am being criticized over not having a job, not going to collage, being overweight, overreacting to small things, ect, ect... In reality I'm just beginning to be able to think like everyone else. I'm so depressed. I have nothing to look forward to. No chance at anything. I sit in my parent's house all day and all night, playing video games. I never go out. I'm embarrassed to look at anyone. For fear they will make fun of me, or criticize me. I can't keep a friend, They leave or I push them away. I have never been on a date. Or even had a friend that's a girl. There is most definitely no hope for a girl in the future. I can't work, I'm too overweight to preform basic functions. I can't even stand for more than 30 minutes.

    I'm super ultra mega depressed, but have to act normal around my family or it gets worse. I want to die. I always have. I'm so close to just doing it now. I know there are like treatment places but, I'm afraid I'll never get out. And they cost a lot of money. I have nothing.

    Suicide has been a source of comfort for me. Knowing I could always just do it. Honestly I know if I went somewhere to get help, I could most likely live on. Maybe not a normal life, But a life none-the-less. Money, stigma, embarrassment, pain. Those are the things I worry about when I think of treatment.

    Oh and by the way when I say "treatment," I mean hospital or facility. I've been to Many, Many, Many, Counselors! I've been to counseling for over 10 years. With 6 different ones. It is at the point where I DO know all of their methods. I also study psychiatry in spare time, mostly because I want to know what's wrong with me. I'll get diagnosed with something but have no Idea what that means. So I research. Counseling seems to be a major waste of time and money. Every time I'm into one I sit in some office for an hour, give them a little background, and it's over. I use a lot of metaphors, in this case it's like trying to beat a video game. Turn on the system, wait for it to load the menu, and shut it off again. You'll never beat it that way...

    I forgot to mention (sorry!) that I have tried several diets none of which worked. At 17 I was in my insulin resistance doctor, and he said some shocking and drastic things. He said I couldn't live like this, and that if I keep at this weight (I was 350 lbs at the time), I will die before 20. So long story short, I spent hours filling out papers and doing other things and eventually got accepted into Lap Band surgery. Somehow I passed the Psychological part too! I got the thing put in, and now my life is even more of a hell than before. Teenagers love soda, as most of you know. I must never drink carbonation or fizzy drinks again, or I could die. I'm so pissed when everyone around me is enjoying a pop, or sparkling cider at the holidays. I have to check with my doctor before I take a medicine that has not been checked before. Some medicines eat the stomach when the band is in. One they pointed out in particular is Ibuprofen. Those meds I can never have. But the worst part by far is eating. Every meal without fail, the food gets stuck. I'll explain what that means:

    -Intense agonizing pain. (they liken it to a heart attack, only not fatal and this lasts for up to 2 hours if bad enough)
    -Coughing up thick mucus (sorry it's gross!)
    -not being able to breath well
    -Finally, you throw up. Only sometimes you don't know you're going to. If that puts a picture in your mind. Fancy restaurants are usually out.

    I'm also regaining weight. I'm not allowed to have many types of food, Anything sweet is usually out. But here is where I come in. I couldn't give a flying bird about what I can't eat! If it won't kill me I'll usually have it anyway. I don't think I'd be the only one like this either. If you couldn't have bread EVER what would you do?! Life would be miserable without bread, it's in EVERYTHING! I'm supposed to exercise every day too. But this part is 100% my bad. I simply have NO motivation or desire to improve. Exercise is miserable! My joints hurt and I feel like I'm sitting in filth after. I know I will get a ton of criticism for saying that but, at least I'm honest. And it won't be anything I haven't heard before.

    So, Hmmmmm. How to sum this up?

    I really do wish I were dead. Plain and simple. I need advice. I'm open to listen. And answer questions...

    Oh, and sorry for how long it went. At least you got your reading for the night in right? =P

    MODS: I'm sorry if I broke any rules, I don't ever mean to. If there is something not allowed, I shall gladly edit. But please don't just delete this whole thing...
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I read every single word of that and I really hear you pain and distress at what has gone on in your life.

    The only thing that came to my mind is to try some other kind of therapy, other than counselling. There are many types of therapy, and it may be that you have not found the right type for you (CAT, CBT, DBT, amongst many others).

    I would also suggest you stop trying to diagnose yourself because that can be very detrimental to your mental health. If you find somethin you think you have, your mind can also subconsciously morph to fit those symptoms, so you could actually gain more problems by trying to self diagnose.

    When you think about treatment you said you think of 'Money, stigma, embarrassment, pain.'. Can you explain a bit more about why you think of those things and why they bother you?
  3. Silver_Wasp

    Silver_Wasp Member

    I wanted to thank you for reading my long post.

    I tried to post this before, but the site seemed to no recognize that I was logged in and erased everything I replied.

    I do not self diagnose. As I said before, "I'll get diagnosed with something but have no Idea what that means. So I research." That is all. I do not claim I have anything I have not been diagnosed with.

    Why those bother me?

    The world revolves around money. As unfortunate as it is, it's true. I have no job. I have no way in holding a job. My parents make too much for state aid. We have tried a few times. But not enough to pay for the things we need. I do not get help because the world is greedy and may not function on the desire to help alone.

    I have been labeled as it is. If I were to go to a hospital or some treatment facility, I would be a insane person. I wouldn't be "mentally well." You must understand people don't want someone like that to be around them. Would you hire someone that has been to a hospital for mental reasons to be your child's babysitter? I did not think so...

    I am indeed embarrassed to be the way I am. I do not want to be responsible for my friends and family going insane too. Would you like to tell people that your best friend went to an asylum, or that he died? They would also be embarrassed to have even been close to me.

    I know pain almost too well. I have no doubt in my mind that I would be a "permanent resident" at one of the many facilities. I would hurt everyone worse than if I had died. And what's left of my mind would be washed away into solitude. Killing me anyway...

    Things are worse tonight...

    Please help me not want to leave the same day I was born. The pain is back...
  4. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for all your pain.. i wish there was some way i could help..
    but really.. it all comes down to you.. you have to find something to want to live for.. even if it seems like something stupid it's better then nothing
    just think.. all the shit you've lived through.. there's alot of it i know.. but you've gotten through it, meaning you can get through more, even if it seems like you don't want too i truly understand that.. what's the point in it?
    but it's up to you.. do you want to try & make an enjoyable life, or do you just want to throw it all away? it's completely your choice..
    i'm sorry if this is no help.. i know it probably isn't but..
    i hope you find a way to make life better for yourself
  5. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    You seem like a person with a lot of things to say, and quite social. At least thats something, some people have just given up all hope already and haven't bothered with talking about it. Anyways, I hope you find your way. I can't help you with words but know your in the same boat as many others. I don't blame you if you'd rather die, life and what you said about how the world revolves around money makes me sick. Humans are sick fucks, I really don't like their ways but what can you do. Good luck, see you on the other side if there is one.
  6. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    I agree you seem like a pretty cool guy, albeit with some problems. Believe it or not, however much that sucks right now, there are actually people out there who are suffering as much as you and some of those people are right here on SF. And there are countless others who keep their head up and spirits high and eventually get beyond it. I almost died from, believe it or not, acute food alergies when I was about your age. One time, I had to get the adrenaline shot to make sure my heart wouldn't stop and I was then rushed to a hospital. As bad as that was, I have now outgrown those food allergies. It wasn't easy. I couldn't eat anything with dried corn. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PRODUCTS HAVE DRIED CORN?? ALL PRODUCTS ALMOST!! It's in sweetener, it's in coloring, it's in "wheat" bread, IT WAS EVEN IN MY TOOTHPASTE!! Heh.. I had to get a special natural toothpaste even.

    But in any regard... My point is I guess it sucked but I had to follow a really strict diet, probably like you have to... But eventually, I got over it and life got better. It just sucks when it seems like time is going too slow like you're waiting to get better. But when you get better, you'll be like "whew! This is great!"
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