Some hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by steph723, Dec 4, 2007.

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  1. steph723

    steph723 New Member

    I started coming to this site about a month ago. I was EXTREMLY suicidal and I used to read peoples stories in order to convince myself not to do anything.

    I went from graduating from an Ivy League college, involved in EVERYTHING, having a boyfriend, amazing job, friends and apartment to having NOTHING. THe depression ate me ALIVE. For 8 months I had NO feelings. I could not sleep and began taking sleep meds which made me so confused.

    I lost interest in EVERYTHING! I tried so many meds which all made me worse and worse and worse. I went from lexapro to clonzapan for anxiety to remerom to zoloft.

    My parents got a court order to put me in the hospital last week and I began taking cymbalta. The doctor was soooo smart and amazing. I owe him my life. I went from writing a suicide note to being so happy to wake up in the morning. I have been on the meds for a little over a week and I feel WONDERFUL! I am finally me again. I went shopping for the first time in 8 months yesterday, did my hair, and makeup. I felt like me again.

    I just pray I do not relapse because I have before when I stopped taking meds. I think it is so important to find a good doctor and as pissed as i was for being admitted to the hospital I am so lucky I found this doctor. I have been out of work for almost 6 months and I have a chance to start over now!!! I cannot wait for my life again. 2 weeks ago I was planning my suicide and now I am planning a trip to the spa today.

    THe most annoying thing for me was when people would tell me " you will get better, no one stays like this forever". People who have not been through a major depression do not understand that in your mind you CAN stay like this forever and I had accepted that fact already. So i dont want to annoy anyone by saying this but there can be some hope on the right meds. I had to go through so many and lost almost a year of my life but at least i am alive. If anyone wants to talk to me feel free to message me. Different people react to different meds. I am having some side effects of dry mouth and a little nausea. I am also a little hyper but i was always hyper before. I hardly spoke a word to anyone for 8 months and now i have so much to say. I cut EVERYONE out of my life but have reconnected and everyone understands and never gave up on me. I am so lucky. Please find the right meds and therapist it can mean your life. I know most of you reading this dont want to live right now but I swear I have my life is possible I PROMISE!

    Be safe xoxo
  2. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    steph i'm glad you're now experiencing the brighter side of things. you most certainly deserve it.

    take care
  3. steph723

    steph723 New Member

    Thinking that being depressed is just who you are is what I thought too. I was addicted to being depressed if that makes sense. My other friend had the same thing too. Your identity becomes the depression and you know nothing else besides yourself being a depressed person.

    It is how everyone identifies you and how you identify me, i know...bnut there has to be some hope, even a little. Maybe that is why i never went through withanything but I was 100% SURE I was going to be depressed the rest of my life. A miracle happened...I had many people praying for me. I guess I got lucky. I know in my heart I am a good person so maybe someone was looking out for me and now i get a second chance. Just remember that something is wrong with your brain chemistry and they may be able to fix it. Happiness is the best feeling and I felt nothing for soooo long. I know NIH is doing studies looking at the chemistry of peoples brains too see what meds they will respond to if you want to look in to that!

    Smile in the mirror once today and remember you are worth it. We can all make a little differene :)
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