I stink at them. I also stink at being new, and particularly when it comes to being new to a space that contains so much personal meaning and meaningful associations. Being here feels rather strange and paradoxical, which precisely captures how I often am "in real life" when it comes to issues of personal significance like these ones - regardless of labels that are put on me, I don't identify as someone who is mentally ill, or anything like that. I am eternally unable to wrap my head around the reality that suicidality has been part of my experience from as early as 4 years of age, and has shaped the rest of my life in such fundamental ways (and not all for the "worse", either) that these experiences have become a part of me, they are not things that I can "move on" or "recover" from and more or less forget about. Sometimes I want to. When I am more or less "not actively suicidal", I often wish I could just forget about all of this, and "move on" in the way that most people do. Like it was just the manifestation of some difficult periods or a difficult starting place that marked their life, and now they are healing and moving towards something more positive and empowering. Except it doesn't exactly work like that for me. I sometimes think that I was born with some kind of innate sensitivity to suicidal energy - my own, but also that of others, that of the world - because I felt it in my body and mind long before I had any clue what it was, and long before I had opportunities to experience it as a personal longing to be gone from this body. Over the years, listening to and connecting with those energies would wedge me in many a dangerous situations - but they also became one of the most significant sources of spiritual insight and wisdom for living, deeply and meaningfully. I am here to explore my relationship with that energy. How I should relate to it, how does my spirit want to relate to it; what is my relationship with it?