Some kind of introduction.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by kaisada, Jul 26, 2012.

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  1. kaisada

    kaisada Member

    I stink at them. I also stink at being new, and particularly when it comes to being new to a space that contains so much personal meaning and meaningful associations. Being here feels rather strange and paradoxical, which precisely captures how I often am "in real life" when it comes to issues of personal significance like these ones - regardless of labels that are put on me, I don't identify as someone who is mentally ill, or anything like that. I am eternally unable to wrap my head around the reality that suicidality has been part of my experience from as early as 4 years of age, and has shaped the rest of my life in such fundamental ways (and not all for the "worse", either) that these experiences have become a part of me, they are not things that I can "move on" or "recover" from and more or less forget about.

    Sometimes I want to. When I am more or less "not actively suicidal", I often wish I could just forget about all of this, and "move on" in the way that most people do. Like it was just the manifestation of some difficult periods or a difficult starting place that marked their life, and now they are healing and moving towards something more positive and empowering. Except it doesn't exactly work like that for me. I sometimes think that I was born with some kind of innate sensitivity to suicidal energy - my own, but also that of others, that of the world - because I felt it in my body and mind long before I had any clue what it was, and long before I had opportunities to experience it as a personal longing to be gone from this body. Over the years, listening to and connecting with those energies would wedge me in many a dangerous situations - but they also became one of the most significant sources of spiritual insight and wisdom for living, deeply and meaningfully.

    I am here to explore my relationship with that energy. How I should relate to it, how does my spirit want to relate to it; what is my relationship with it?
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi Kaisada welcome to SF hugs
     
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Hello and welcome.. Also have stuff that one does not really move on from..maybe we both just need to develop a severe case of amnesia..you take care, Jim
     
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hello and welcome! Sounds like depressive symptoms have dogged you for a large part of your life. I hope that coming here helps you find a path in the world.
     
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi kaisada - I hear you and am in the same place, honey. Perhaps we can gain strength from one another. Our particular burdens may seem unusual to the world in general, but then the world in general has, as an entity, lost its way by abandoning positive spirituality.

    I had a premonition at 15/16 that suicide and I would meet further down the track - it happened for me 27 years later. I just know there is a reason for it in the eternal significance of things. I heard a radio broadcast just this morning that taught it is better (in the magnanimous realm of spiritual events) not to try to understand, just to ask "What can I do?" If we try to understand it too much, it burdens us further. It is good to have found a kindred spirit on here. Take care hun, blessings and strength to you :)
     
  6. kaisada

    kaisada Member

    Thank you for your response, urPrecious. I've pretty much let go of the trying to understand part - except occasionally when I feel pressured to justify myself or something in front of others. It is difficult to explore questions about my experiences when I have no one to talk to about them, no one who would be able to see it on the same page as I do - you know?
     
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I know exactly how you feel about this, totally....... If you want to talk one-2-one, we can PM........

    All I have come to understand that the Reality of our lives, as far as finding meaning, purpose, motivation - how we always thought life should consist of these things, otherwise, what are we here for?....just needs to be reconciled, so our inward parts can be at peace and rest content. :)
     
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