Lately my dreams have become more like reality. Things that happen in reality seem to appear more often in my dreams. I use to dream a lot about fantasy in which I knew I was dreaming at the moment because of the unrealistic things. Maybe it has something becoming older. Dreaming was really awesome because of the great things that happened in it. I could talk to people as close as I wanted to. But now like in real life, people back away from me when I talk to them. So I keep my mouth shut. I know I'm nearing my end, every night I hope I won't wake up the next morning, because I'm lost and there's no real hope left for me, well maybe like a 20% chance. Strangely I haven't been really feeling sad lately. It's like my life was destined to suck and there's not much I can do about it. Or maybe God (if he exists) wants me to find that cure one day and become the happiest person in the world. It's highly unlikely...but who knows man... I hate the way I'm livin right now. I can't even go out and talk to people. I have absolutely no friends, and everye thinks this is all my own fault. But they never knew how it's like to live like me. But somehow there's something that does keep my life balanced, like ups and downs. Sometimes say that crying it out is goin to help, but I can't do it. It's like I lost the ability to cry, in fact I laugh instead, but not because I'm happy. Talkin to psychologists isn't helpin, they don't even know how to deal with people who have a problem like me. I have a secret that I kept with me for a long time. I told my mum about it last year. Wasn't a good idea... Life sucks this way...I want a new life...like the ones I had in my dreams where I had friends, laugh and talk anytime I wanted to. I'm not really afraid of dying, just the pain. If I could over come that...then I won. If my life really sucks like it does now...then I'll just have to try and live it as happily as I can. I can't be me...and I screwed a lot of things up, but unlike nromal people, i had no choice. People keep saying I have nothin to worry about, but they don't even know what it is like to be me. It use to bother me alot that people kept sayin how sad and weird I am, but not anymore, because the person they see isn't the real me. I'm not sure if I'd be able to kill myself one day if I really had to, but if I die I wouldn't really mind. unless one day...I could jump 10 feet in the sky because I am healed.