I've been thinking about what's going on when I start to think about killing myself. Lately, I've realized that it's how I get through a day. I make it only because I can comfort myself with the thought that if it gets too bad, I can always pull a fade. I guess that's kind of whacked-out; surviving by holding that "ace" up my sleeve. Of course I can't tell anyone about this, not even the therapist. That would take away my "ace"...and I need to know that there's a way out, if I really need to take it. I also realized that when I start thinking about the "when" to kill myself, I always try to make sure that the event won't fall too close to a holiday or someone's birthday, especially my kids...as I don't want to screw up what should be a happy occaision for the, for the rest of their lives. Am I the only one or do others go through this too?