Some people may actually be worthless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thecatlady, Dec 10, 2013.

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  1. thecatlady

    thecatlady Member

    It seems that there are a lot of well-meaning people out there that will run around trying to convince people NOT to commit suicide. They will say things like "think of how your family/friends will feel" or "you may feel this way now, but it doesn't always have to be this way!". However, with how much variation there is among people, it stands to reason that a few of us actually ARE completely worthless, and that society would be much better off without us. I'm not asking those well-meaning people to stop their efforts; I'm sure there are more people out there that actually can be helped than that are completely worthless.

    Just, when I'm told I shouldn't kill myself, I try to look at it rationally. Why should I live? Why should anyone live? Is there any purpose, any meaning to my life, to anyone's life? I guess my belief about the "meaning of life" is that each individual creates their own meaning. Maybe you deeply care about your friends and family and/or your job/life's work and/or your passions and hobbies.

    Well, what about someone who is awful at everything? Who is too lazy and self-centered to help him or herself? Who only brings negativity and misery to his or her surroundings? As I'm sure you've guessed, I believe that I am one of those people. I've never had a friend. I have been obese my entire life. I'm ugly, lazy, self-centered, selfish, mean, rude, have a complete lack of self-control, I'm a coward, I have no skills, and I could go on, but on a suicide forum, I'm sure you've heard it all.

    I'm 25 years old and I've never had a boyfriend, and I never even had sex until March of this year, with a guy I met in an online game that I'd known for about a year. It mostly just hurt (physically) and we didn't speak much after. He's a good guy, I'm not blaming him; it's definitely me, for being ugly and bitchy and fat and stupid.

    At any rate, I have nothing to live for, nothing of worth to contribute to individuals or society, and I've wanted to take my life for a decade now. I'm a coward as stated earlier and I once took a bunch of pills that didn't kill me, just made me a bit sick to my stomach with diarrhea. My biggest fear is screwing it up so badly that I'm left with permanent damage, but alive. I have a method that I believe will work now, that I won't detail here since it seems to be against the rules, but as long as I am not interrupted during the process (I won't be: read the no friends part above), I believe it will work.

    I don't even know what I'm waiting for or why I'm posting here. It must mean I do want help. Or maybe I am a masochist and enjoy my own misery. Maybe it's my self-centeredness and I want a bit of attention, who knows?

    Oh, and if you want to know just how fat, it's awful. I'm 260 lbs. right now, 5'5" female. In September of last year, I weighed a little over 310 lbs. I got down to 192 by August of this year. I fucked up and now I'm back up to 260. I clearly can't do it. I've pathetically eaten cookies and cheese puffs and mozzarella sticks all day, because I'm a loser. I feel sick even now. It's not even noon....
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are NOT a loser you are in emotional pain that is why you eat YOu get therapy for that pain and you will be able to gain control over your eating and you will be able to lose weight and you will be able to do the things you want to do. EVERYONE has worth it is your distorted thinking that makes you believe that you don't have worth. Even if you go out and say hi to someone talk to someone you are bringing something to that someone ok maybe that someone you said hi to was very alone as well and you just brighten their day.
    I hope you reach out to a professional and get some therapy to change your way of thinking your mind set
  3. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    I am just awful at everything. No better than a piece of garbage.

    You are different from me. You deserved to be loved.

    Whats wrong with being obese? That isn't wat you wanted. I wonder how good a guy can be by not speaking to you after having sex. I do not know what happened in between though.

    I do agree you may need to seek professional help. You are still young and I do feel that you are a lovely person just by being upfront and who you are. This is something that not many of us can do and that itself is a strength.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Depression makes people self centred, the sheer misery of getting through the day can only be achieved by turning in on oneself and thereby making us even more miserable.
    You need to get some help to get the depression under control.
    Once that's being treated you will have the energy and outlook to tackle the weight, you know you can lose it because you did it before.
    Baby steps forward, one problem at a time, and believe me I know how difficult it can be to reclaim your life, but the answer is you with help.

    Oh and btw, NOBODY is worthless they just feel that way.
  5. thecatlady

    thecatlady Member

    I've never lost enough weight to even be within the "overweight" range for BMIs. I went from morbidly obese (going to die by the time I'm 40) to merely obese (min of a heart attack by 50). I've been fat since I was 4 or 5, probably before then but that's when my mom told me I was and that I couldn't have popsicles anymore when the lifeguard blew the whistle for us to get out of the pool. I've lost weight here and there, 15 lbs. here, 20 lbs. there, 3 times where I lost major weight: 55 lbs. when I was 16, 60 lbs. when I was 18, and now >100 lbs. at 24-25. I always, without fail, gain it all back PLUS more.

    If I can't get it right after a quarter century of trying, it's not likely I'll ever succeed. And it's not like I'm putting myself on some unnaturally strict diet or depriving myself of foods I want to eat, or forcing myself to high levels of exercise I can't possibly sustain. I'm quite reasonable in how I do it, still mostly eating what I want, just keeping a journal of it and an eye on my calories, exercising about 4-5 times per week and nothing too hardcore. So for a normal person with an average level of discipline, it really shouldn't be that hard. Plenty of people very day do FAR more than I do for their own health, and maintain it just fine.

    Also, most people may be overweight, yes, but they are overweight by maybe 20, 30, 40 lbs. Not a big deal compared to weighing 260 and needing to weigh around 130. I just keep shoving food into my mouth like the stupid cow I am, when it's not that hard to just stop. Just about everyone does it. Most people are merely overweight, not obese or morbidly obese. I wouldn't mind being a bit chubby, 150, even 160. But that would still require me to lose at least 100 lbs., and I just don't have it in me to do that...192 is the lowest I've been since probably age 13 or so.

    And yes, if you put it in the manner of someone having worth by saying "hi" to someone on the streets, then sure, everyone can have "worth", if you define it that way. I think people who just bring misery and negativity to everyone around them, who can't do anything right, can't or won't work, can't or won't improve upon themselves, or just have a boring, bitchy, grumpy personality like I do, they have such low worth that you should just call them worthless. Especially since there are plenty of people who do have worth that you don't need to people who are useless.

    Anyways, if I had anything to offer, if there were one tiny thing about me that was likeable, wouldn't I have friends? I've never had any. When I was little, my parents would get together with other parents and the kids would be put into a room to play together. But no one ever wanted to play with me, because of how fat and ugly I was. Some would be openly mean, others would just ignore me. No one wanted to talk to me, though. I remember once in middle school seeing a girl that was also sitting alone and also overweight (though not as heavy as I was), and I sat next to her and said "hi" and she rolled her eyes at me.

    I later asked a classmate about that girl, if she knew her, and her reaction to me, and she told me not to worry about it because everyone knew that girl was a "bitch", but she was very friendly with the prettier, skinnier girls also in my health class. In high school, I decided I would become friends with the girl who sat next to me and I was nice to her despite her condescending tone to me, and in a way, my determination worked. She at least was not mean to me, but she mostly saw me as a means of writing her French essays for her by constantly bugging me and asking how to say pretty much every sentence in her essay.

    I know I'm just living in the past by harping on these things that happened to me so long ago, when I'm 25 and well out of high school, but these experiences just make up my life. The fact that I've never had a friend or boyfriend just contribute to the conclusion that I have no worth. Surely, if I did, I would've had a friend by now?
  6. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    We are your friends here. I have been treated the same way before when I was a kid. The only difference is I am puny. I will be your friend if you don't mind, drop me a PM.
  7. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    Man, I hate when I read posts like this and I can't really say anything that would help the poster....I could tell you that life will get better but I don't believe it myself. I think I'll just say that if you ever want to talk, you can message me anytime. I'm 22, near your age..not sure if that matters. Maybe your purpose in life is to come on here and share your story so somebody else might benefit from it - knowing they aren't so alone as they previously thought. Someone who is going through what you're going through. Maybe someday you'll make a connection with that person.
  8. thecatlady

    thecatlady Member

    I appreciate the sentiment, and that's nice of you, but I've given you no reason to want to be friends with me. I'm just miserable and negative and mean. I don't think I am capable of being a friend, which is the reason for why I have none. I especially don't want to just pathetically come across like I'm begging for someone to befriend me, and then have someone say they will, out of kindness and/or pity. I have nothing interesting to say or contribute to a friendship; I'm just a void of negativity and I would drain anyone who tries to befriend me.

    And that's not something I made up. I was actually told that, by someone I met online. I liked him a lot, and we were friends for a while, but eventually my negativity got to him. He said he couldn't help me and that I was bringing him down and he removed me from his contact list and asked me to please never contact him again. I haven't heard from him since. I don't blame him at all, but I just don't want to go through that again.
  9. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    I am 28. If you think I am not too old for u
  10. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I don't think anyone is truly worthless, though I have felt that many times in my life. I'm sorry that you don't have any friends, I really don't either, and people have always judged me on other things instead of getting to know me. I guess they are pushed away by my depression and negativity, which is why I don't really talk to anyone outside this site anymore. I'm almost 29 and never even been asked on a date, and no one has even shown a passing interest in me. I doubt it will ever happen, but I stopped caring because people have hurt me badly. So you aren't alone in feeling the way you do, and even if you think you are completely unlikable or worthless or anything like that, I hope you do stick around this site and continue to post and let people hear you out.
  11. thecatlady

    thecatlady Member

    I don't care about anyone's age, older or younger. It's more that I just have nothing to offer in a friendship. I don't even know what friends are supposed to do. Just seems like a nice thing to have from what I've heard, I guess. I don't like to do most of the stuff a lot of them seem to like to do anyways, like go to bars or parties, get drunk, etc., but at the very least it might be nice to have someone to talk to....But then again, the only things I have to talk about are how useless and miserable I am. I will listen to someone else if they want to talk about their lives, but I don't have anything to offer in return. A friendship with me would be very one-sided.

    The method of suicide I want to use should be quick and painless, but it could potentially go wrong and not kill me, or it could cause brain damage or paralysis. If it just doesn't kill me, I can try again another day, but I'm terrified of crippling myself and still being alive.
  12. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    That's just wrong. He severed his connection with you because you were bringing him down? He was never a true friend, anyway. Or even much of a friend. I don't want to say he's emotionally weak, but I will say that the reason why I'm able to take on the extra burden of other people's meotional issues really has nothing to do with the fact that I, too am miserable and miserable people love company and what not. When I was 'happy' I was the same way. I know I'm strong enough to handle it. Guess he was too weak to handle your issues when really he didn't have to handle them at all. All he had to do was be there for you. how is that difficult at all?

    And no, you have a lot to offer. I don't really know you, but I wouldn't be talking to you if I didn't think that you were a person worth getting to know.
  13. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Your concerns about effectively dying are legitimate. I have feared that and that has kept me from doing anymore stuff to myself.
  14. ThisSideORTheOther

    ThisSideORTheOther New Member

    So I have felt very worthless. I have felt that I am not worthy of friends because I am a di*k. I truly want to be nice down deep, but when it comes out, I am negative and push people away.

    I am curious to know if you feel unworthy of anyone's friendship. Which is fine. For me, I truly was unworthy. I AM a di*k. However, I really want to be a good person.

    It sounds like you WANT to be a good person. You are asking about it here afterall. What do you do, specifically that makes you negative. A bad person, etc.

    I a saying maybe tou do it, but you really don't want to so that makes you feel like sh*t.

    For me it was a crazy cycle. I felt horrible about treating people close to me poorly. I felt bad about myself due to this. Of course I would keep beimg a horrible person.

    You can break the cycle. I promise this. We can all work together to find out why ypu are so down on yourself. I am not here to say, eh you are not a bad person. Maybe you are in your estimation of what makes a person good or bad. What I am saying is we can try to help ypu become the person you want to be.

    I don"t know if you want that. I just know it sucks feeling like I wanted to kill muself because it would be the best thimg for everyone around me. I still work at it and struggle. However, I a, starting to believe I am not as horrible as I once thought. i still need work, but I a, trying. Maybe you just need help being a little better. What exactly do you thimk you do that makes you a bad person?
  15. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    I don't think you have met the right people to be your friends. A true friend is one in a million, who is upfront with you, willing to go thru thick and thin with you. It is never out of benefit, but it's the essence of the relationship that holds it together. Unfortunately, only a handful of people have true friends.

    A true friend will not shun you when you are broke. Nor judgemental, whether you are fat or ugly.

    I am thankful that I have a couple of true friends, but unfortunately my condition maybe too much for them to handle. They are normal unlike me with a mental condition. They are not equipped with the knowledge to understand how bipolars behave.

    That explains my loneliness and suicide ideation.

    Anyways, no one is unworthy to be whoever's friend with sincerity. That's all you need. You will draw the right people to you. It's all about who you are. If you have an agenda of other people, you may have to reflect on yourself. If you want to be good, do it from your heart. Expect no return, if people treat you like dirt they will have to answer for their own actions.

    I know it's hard not to feel hurt when feeling unappreciated.

    If that dude perceived you as negative, he should not take your chastity at the first place. In the Asian country this is unacceptable.

    Have you ever done something which made yourself feel good? Any form of accomplishment? I am sure you have.

    Who cares whether you are negative or miserable or fat or ugly or whatever it is, I just want to be your friend.
  16. thecatlady

    thecatlady Member

    I'm a pretty horrible person. I'm needy and I'm mean. I snap at people, I speak to them in a mean tone of voice, I yell at them when they do something wrong (mostly when we play games, since I'm very competitive). And then I cry about how no one wants to play with me or spend time with me. I've tried to just relax and go with the flow more, just hold my tongue when I have something negative to say. It only works to a certain extent. People can then tell when I'm pissed off just by my silence, and it's no better for them. I don't think I'm capable of becoming a better person. I have tried, but by a combination of laziness and flawed personality, I just can't.

    Yeah, I wish I'd had the opportunity to experience friendship. The guy I slept with is not the one that said he was ending all contact with me due to my negativity. Two different guys. The latter one I never met in person.
  17. thecatlady

    thecatlady Member

    Maybe I do just eat because I'm numb. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm not really depressed because I don't feel all that down. I just feel nothing, for days on end. I don't necessarily feel down all the time, though. But I like making myself feel. I'll imagine what I would feel like if my brother suddenly died and start crying. Or I'll make it better and I'll say he died b/c bullies beat him up, so I can cry AND feel righteous anger and desire for revenge on his bullies. I'll read news articles and cry, I'll read posts on here and cry, and then I start the cycle again.

    And in the meantime, I'll just keep eating and eating past the point of being full and avoid the scale. When I do weigh myself, I'll cry because it's proof of how worthless I am, that I'm unable to keep my weight under anything even resembling control. Then I'll remember all the other failures in my life and how I've had no successes and then I'll realize the only reason I've never had success is that I'm incredibly lazy. Then I realize I've only been thinking of myself for days and realize what a horrible, self-centered person I am. Then I'll be suicidal for a few hours, days, weeks...

    Then after I'm done with that, the numbness comes back. And I'm fine, relatively content. Until I read something sad or have sad thoughts and need to make myself cry to start the cycle over again.

    So maybe I'm not depressed after all. Maybe I really am that horrible of a person that I just force myself to cry so I can feel depressed and miserable like I have problems, when there are people with real problems out there.
  18. Donedancing

    Donedancing New Member

    I couldn't agree more! I have despised myself since I was 12. I now have 4 children that despise me too. I'm 46 years old and I'm about 50% certain I'll kill myself <mod edit - timelines>. I feel bad that my wonderful boyfriend will wake up to find me dead, but like you said - I AM a terrible person! I want to tell him goodbye but then he will just take me to the hospital. Why are people as crappy as us put on this earth? I despise life. I despise myself. I contribute nothing to this world. I'm done. Done dancing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2013
  19. wyngedbyste

    wyngedbyste Well-Known Member

    The way you behave is a reflection of how you see yourself. When you can stop hating yourself and get some coping skills, that will change. Like you, I've been obese my entire life. During the few times in my life that I liked myself, I found that people wanted to be around me. The times I was hateful to myself, people disappeared. Right now, I'm not interested in making new friends. I don't have the energy to BE a friend.

    As for your weight...I'm 55 and I'm working on getting weight loss surgery. They teach you how to eat and what to eat. They work with you about your eating habits and why you eat. You might want to check into it for yourself. You're young. Imagine how you'd feel after you lost 100 lb.! You might actually be a nicer person. Maybe.

  20. helloworld29

    helloworld29 Member

    I don't know you. I have never met you. Yet, from reading this post I can clearly see positive traits about your personality. You are very emotionally insightful. Despite putting weight back on, you STILL managed to lose 60lbs since being 310lbs. You CAN lose more weight, because you've done it before.

    I understand your initial point about not everyone deserves to live. But you CANNOT say this about yourself. We are too plagued with depression/self esteem issues to make this decision for ourselves.

    You say you feel you have nothing to live for. Find something. I am in a bad place personally at the moment, but I am living for my family, my housemates and the children I teach dance to. Volunteer. Try to help others.

    I know this is easier said than done. But suicide should be a last resort. You need to try life before deciding to end it.
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