So I am sitting at home alone again. My mind is racing again. Not sure if this will even make sense to anyone but I am hoping it might help me a little. I am thinking about dying every day for most hours of the day. However there must be some part of me that still wants to live because I seem to continue on with some basic chores and tasks each day. My mum has some kind of mental health problem. She is continuously having break downs and blames me for this. She says that it is just the stress of me being unwell that is upsetting her. I am struggling with this. Because hearing that it is my fault makes me feel worse. But in another moment I think... no this is her problem not mine. I am taking meds, seeing drs, seeing psychologists etc etc to try and get myself well. She is not doing any of it. But then I start to think... I am being selfish by thinking this way. I don't want to have to worry about her all the time (another selfish thought) because I think... I have enough trouble looking after myself without that rubbish. But she is my mother and apparently she is only feeling like that because of me. This is so messed up. There is a part of me that thinks I dont even want to get better. But i am not sure if this is true or if it is more a case of feeling this way for so long that it is now just the common thought pattern. Or if maybe I am just exhausted from trying so long. I don't know. But surely thats not normal???