Some ray of hope in an otherwise dim cave

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Maxxy, Aug 24, 2008.

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  1. Maxxy

    Maxxy New Member

    Hello everyone,

    this is my first time here and I am glad to see that the people in need are making use of these forums. I do hope just talking about things is helping and knowing that you are not alone. Now here is my story.

    Basically a few days ago a relationship I was in ended. I didn't think much of it initially because I didn't think the break up was serious. However she was deadly serious and when I learnt this, I panic'ed and tried every effort to win her back, to no avil. Soon after this I became extremely depressed. Things got so bad that I started contemplating suicide.

    To be honest it wasn't just the break up that caused the suicide thoughts but also my university studies. Over the past few months my motivation levels have just been shockingly low causing me to fail a subject. I also was fired from my part time job because off poor attendance. With such limited social exposure I felt my historial social anxiety start to creep up again. This all resulted in my reasoning that life was just reverting back to being such a struggle (I have a history of social anxieties and depression. I was put on antidepressants and things started improving late last year. The progressed continued until mid this year which is where my story started).

    Over the last 2 days or so ago I had begun planning my death. My letters were written out, my suicide plan was ready and I had the mind set that my life was going to end in just a few days. I was so serious in fact that I was purposely spending more time with my parents because I thought this was the last time I would speak to them. I so really want to tell them goodbye but I couldn't because they would foil my suicide attempt.

    I basically had <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> I was planning on (hopefully) getting one last prescription from a family G.P (with an excuse of course) to up my antidepressant stockpile to <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>. I had left over <mod edit-gentlelady_methods> from a while ago so I was going to mix that in. I am also on prescription anti-biotics for my acne so I was going to add <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>to this mix of medicine. Lastly I was going to add a few <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> So basically I would have had a mix of:

    <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>

    With this I was going to drink <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> to enhance the antidepressants' effect and after which I assumed I would pass out or faint. But before that happens I'd quickly try to drink as much <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> In addition I was also going to keep a <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>on stand by. <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>

    To top it all over I even planned the location and time I'd perform all of this. I planned to drive to a secluded football oval and phone my parents that I was sleeping over at my gf's house (since they didn't know about the break up). With that, I'd have at the very least <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>

    However, whilst watching the Beijing 2008 closing ceremony, my mind changed. I realised that I would quickly forget about my break up and things would get better. I don't know why I had this sudden change of heart. To be honest, it was also after reading these forums that I changed my mind. Feeling that I was not alone definitely made me feel a lot better. I was so close to death, I was shaking everywhere I went, its scary.

    I have now abandoned this suicide plan, but plan to keep my notes as a reminder of how close I came to death.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2008
  2. finster

    finster Member

    Hi Maxxy! I also watched the closing ceremonies and found them to be incredible. I'm glad they lifted you out of despondency. Try to keep from letting this feeling of well-being wear off. Good luck.
  3. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you for sharing that.
    It's amazing that something like watching the olympic ceremonies can start a whole new train of thoughts. The smallest things make the biggest difference.
    Anyway, that is so good to hear that you are feeling better now, and know that you always have this place to come to if you ever feel that low again.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Maxxy,
    You sound very young! What happened with you and your girlfriend happens, it is part of life. You will get over her in a short time. She is the one who walked so the grief should lay on her. Once that is redirected to her then you should feel a little better.
    Are you in therapy? They can teach you to cope with this.. You have a whole life ahead of you. Stay Safe..:chopper:..
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