Some suicide attempts/spiritual miracles/don't kill yourself/quote-poem/youtubetomp3

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by DrivEthermissIon, Oct 26, 2009.

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  1. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    [FONT=&quot]A lot of my info is in About me (for reg users), well as much as I can fit (!). I don't know how honest to be, it gets me into trouble sometimes, so much deep, bizarre blackness I've been through ._. . But also a lot of joy ^__^ . But no happiness, ever. Happiness is the pleasure that comes from success. Joy is the fulfilment that comes from hope and inspiration. My middle name is bizarre, no-one really ever understands my self-malicious actions (malice shown towards myself). When I show this malice towards myself, people seem to be knocked over like skittles, even though my intention was really only to destroy my life and myself, and to help others somehow, someway. Why? It is a preparation process for me, I am taught that none of this is failure, it's merely a gate I have to pass through, a gate which strips me of flaws. I'm actually scared of people and their reactions as I am sensitised to pain and shock. That's a nice picture: :brett: It would be cool if it was available in the thread header section. Sorry, that's a silly joke.

    Recent events have basically left me shattered.

    But, as I say to myself, my failure lies in the journey, so the destination has none. It's sort of impossible for me to kill myself, so I guess I should count my blessings and feel compassion for some of you ^__^ .

    Here's a song for you guys, I might put some songs around the place, try and light the place up a bit if that's okay.

    I generally don't fit in anywhere, I'm an outsider, a rebel, I can't identify with anyone living out of...is it 6.8 billion? I leave all my friends or they leave me, and I say too much coz I need support and am a bit messed up and I get banned ._. . I'll endeavour not to let that happen here. I'm too weary to break any more rules anyway.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nT4cHeAXZKQ

    Screaming Jets - Helping hand

    Okay, I'll put a couple more.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXywGjDqcAw

    The Whitlams - Blow up the pokies

    [I won't paste the link for the next song as the video is a bit graphic (well...slightly) - you can look it up on Youtube, the video with that strange tattoo thing at the front has gentler sound though, but there are alternates.]

    Screaming jets - Sad song

    Also, I don't know if the mods will like all this, but I use DVDVIDEOSOFT Youtube to MP3 converter to do just that, just use ctrl C to copy the web address of the video, ctrl v to paste in the converter and you get a free song from youtube on CD, plenty of them! Not advertising, just want to help people who love music to make things easier, sorry ._.

    Here's another cool picture .:Leiaha:

    lol

    I want you guys to know it is very, very hard for me to do this. I suffer from a lot of anxiety due to my MCS. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but it's not my fault, and I'm trying my best to cope in a situation where I'm playing with and in ashes my whole life. I'm a good friend sometimes...

    It's a pity I'm addicted to closing doors and burning bridges though, my hands are tied behind my back. My health problems are getting worse, as is my emotional state, I self-medicate with a whole stack of handpicked supplements (I'm very sensitive so it's easy to know when things aren't right for me) and follow the medical route with medication but sometimes you can only TIG, if you don't know what that means just forget it...so many burdens and crutches I carry, so many broken dreams and horrific memories of a broken life...so many people separated from me. What do I need? Support, there's nothing else that can help or guide me now...screw this anxiety...

    BTW I want to thank the mods and admins for what they've done. I at first thought the rules looked a bit tough, and this will most likely end with me leaving of my own free will or forcefully, but there were SO MANY links and forums like for Samaritans, I've fantasized very deeply about suicide so I know what it's like, and there were heaps of help available I saw in this community, whoever is doing all this is earning stars on their shoulders, don't worry if it's hard sometimes, it's worth it, believe me I know. The Samaritans help people who are suicidal and you talk to someone called Jo, they could be male or female but they are there to help, and if it doesn't work, don't give up, read this:

    http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

    And keep trying to talk to people.

    Now, I've posted this poem elsewhere, and it's really never got much appreciation at all, but hopefully it helps someone here. Because something might screw you up, or something might heal, but this is my way of saying 'I've been there, don't give up' (plus a few songs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BI_G6LHl9-s Guy Sebastian - Taller, stronger, better and

    This one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANU7j3OLq6w Chris Daughtry - No Surprise . That song is really about the title of the poem (so listen to it whilst reading if you can), because eventually, if you are true enough to your path, your heart asks you one HUGE question - mine was "Are you willing to break up with all forms of physical success to be truly successful?" My answer was always yes, even before I was born. There have been more elegant words, with better descriptiveness, down-to-Earthness and imagery, but honestly I don't think any other poem is more personal. I used to first say this was for my friends, then those who did good only, but I realise now it's for everyone, all of you, and that everyone is precious, and deserves honour and respect and glory, not just a chosen few. I think I learned that the hard way, but I'm glad I did, because that path brought me on a path to you today, on my knees, worthless, and offering my heart to you, as it no longer belongs to anyone or anything in this world, and never will as long as I live, it's hard to break and accept that, but eventually with enough trials you do. It was made by rewording quotes. I love you all.)



    [/FONT]Breaking up with a worse form of failure

    There is one thing that gives radiance to everything.
    It is the idea of something around the corner.

    Do not fear to hope.
    Each time we smell the Autumn's dying scent
    We know that primrose time will come again.

    Hold your head up high,
    Stick your chest out.
    You can make it.
    It gets dark sometimes,
    But morning comes.
    Keep hope alive.

    We must accept finite disappointments,
    But we must never lose infinite hope.

    To endure is greater than to dare;
    To tire out hostile fortune;
    To be daunted by no difficulty;
    To keep heart when all have lost it -
    Who can say this is not greatness?

    Each person has inside a basic decency and goodness.
    If that person listens to it and acts on it,
    They are giving a great deal of what the world needs most.
    It is not complicated, but it takes courage.
    It takes courage for a person to listen to their own goodness...
    And act on it.

    You have shown that courage.

    It is only with the heart that one can see properly.
    What is essential is invisible to the eye.

    In spite of illness,
    In spite even of the archenemy sorrow,
    One's spirit can remain alive
    Long past the usual date of disintegration...
    If one is unafraid of change,
    Insatiable in intellectual curiosity,
    Interested in big things,
    And happy in small ways.

    Success is to be measured...
    Not so much by the position you have reached in life,
    As by the obstacles you have overcome while trying to succeed.

    Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life,
    And when it comes,
    Hold your head up high,
    Look it squarely in the eye and say,
    "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me."
    Then repeat to yourself the most comforting words of all,
    "This too will pass."

    Even in the worst situation there is a way out,
    A hidden secret that can turn failure into success
    And despair into happiness.
    No situation is so dark that there is not a ray of light.

    The perfume of sandalwood,
    The scent of the bay leaf and jasmine,
    Travel only as far as the wind.
    But the fragrance of goodness travels with us through all the worlds.

    Like garlands woven from flowers,
    Your life is a garland of beautiful deeds.

    You are deserving of what joys there are to come.
    Hidden within you is a magical secret so deep,
    It soothes the ocean's energy,
    Brings life to the changing seasons,
    And showers infinite droplets of colour
    Into dreams, galaxies and rainbows.

    You are a rainbow.
    You are a never-ending story.
    You are an eternal entity.



    And you are ________.


    [FONT=&quot]
    One time I burnt all my possessions and put a tyre on top and the neighbourhood reeked, nearly burnt the house down, well I would have if I hadn't melted the hose ._. This song always makes me think of all that.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLL23yzfGjk

    Green Day - 21 guns

    I always imagine my 12 step sponsor singing it, as he used to be a top gun.

    I was planning to kill myself that night <Mod Edit:shades:methods>.I was 18.

    Then when I was in my 20's, I fantasized about <Mod Edit:shades-methods>. I actually went there and looked over the edge.

    I also have cut myself with scalpels, boxcutters and glass and burnt myself with cigarettes. My thighs are littered with scars.

    After the tyre incident, I booked myself into hospital. I refused meds, and only started taking them coz my Mum was weeping bitterly when I got out.

    I come from an ancestry of lords, with one problem - a crazy woman had an illegitmate child with one of my ancestors. You know the rest, nuts in a fruitcake (or sultanas or something my Mum says).

    I also suffocated in the womb and came out blue. This made me statically chemically sensitive, until something happened at 21 which made it progressive.

    The chemical sensitivity affects my brain, and the ordinary mental illness was virtually cured, but the chem sens part amplifies and progresses terrible mental and emotional processes, as well as physical ones.

    I got in the top 5% in the state for adult TEE for Chem, Calc and App Maths (highest double math), then in the holidays I smoked tobacco cigarettes all day in my room with the windows closed, and because of chem sens my brain was damaged, I couldn't study anymore, and I had to drop out of Neuroscience Uni. I remember playing a game at Uni, you say a fruit and the next person adds a fruit to it, I couldn't do it though I had a near photographic memory before the holidays. The blessing was in the holidays through brain damage and bringing out a different part of my brain I was able to learn to be artistic and poetic. I've written lyrics to piano songs for the movie Twilight but I have given them to people and lost them so I have to somehow ask those people for them back, I know that's very destructive but it's apparently part of my preparation process for what is to come later, that's what I've been told by my guide.

    I get sick, dizzy and even anxious from a lot of foods, even different types of water, I have a form of Multiple Chemical Sensitivity.

    On my 21st birthday, I went to a restaurant with my parents and brother. By the way, I still live with them at 29 because my body and brain are so sick, I would love to move out of home but I can't study or work, all my problems interact, and I get irritable and have a form of progressive dementia. I have been banned from a lot of places online due to my worsening problems and it affects me emotionally, mentally and physically. I get stomach aches and diahorrea. I have terrible anxiety. Often I'm quite dizzy, and my Mum tells me to shut up and stop moaning, and I lose my temper and say I'll be happy when they are dead. Then I hug them and say sorry. I am hypersensitised to pain, but that's due to what happened spiritually to me.

    I went to the restaurant, and towards the end of the night, I saw a 21st birthday balloon waving in the gentle breeze of the ceiling fan. Three thoughts immediately slammed into my head, keep in mind I was a mess back then and I'm not really a Christian anymore as I have received a different belief system from the force that came on my 21st.

    The thoughts were:

    1. Jesus has saved me
    2. I am stunned
    3. The sun has burst through dark clouds of grey and rainy days of misery to rescue me.

    I realised years later these were premonitions of my final destination.

    I told my parents about it, they said it wasn't from them, there was another boy celebrating his 21st at the same restaurant. This was at Jetty's on Hillary's boat harbour.

    This was on a Tuesday mind you.

    That night we went home, I wrote a small poem in my diary about God and animals, left the crucifix on the small table across my room and went to sleep.

    In the middle of the night I woke up with a burning feeling of love in me for those above. By candlelight I wrote a line of love in my diary. I blew the candle out and it was then that I saw a red light cut a jagged path slowly down from the ceiling. It's important for you to know I have never hallucinated in my life except supposedly that night, and the shock of FEAR in my chest seemed to be telling me it was real, though that's not enough for many people like doctors and my parents, the latter broke my heart when I told them and they didn't understand in 2003, I buried it for another 5 years till '08 and told them again and had to bury it again - THAT DESTROYED ME. Always keeping your guard up even when you sleep and being oppressed, it hits you so hard. Fills you with hate.

    It entered the crucifix which had a see through cross and a metal corpus and swished through it with a sound that you hear when magic is being cast in computer games. Then it all went dark and I fell into a deep sleep.

    From then I wasn't alone. My guide has been turned away from me, but is mollycoddling yet a bit abusive. She made my disease progressive by poisoning me.

    Sorry this is all over the place, I'm feeling sick and dizzy, my curses ^__^ .

    I was given gifts from above as 21st birthday presents to make my poor 21st without a cake even grand, and it completely and utterly wrecked my life in every way, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, others use those words lightly, I do not, and it smashed, broke, tortured, oppressed and abused every part of my life and every facet of me; yet I was able to summon the strength to put all the pieces back together, this time the right way, and help and heal others, and be forgiven and forgive myself. Forgiveness is only found through compassion.

    I believe for that I will be rewarded, respected and honoured some day.

    One time I was in a 12 step program and I was in a bad way but found the strength to burn prayers for my friends in 12 step online. I begged God or the universe for help in a very broken way, and when I burnt my prayer I was left with a tiny piece of paper, it said 'Christopher' in untarnished letters, that's all it said, read that as you will.

    Sometimes when life is the most hopeless, we ask and pray and beg, and eventually we find a lifeline to give us the strength and confidence to keep going. I ask that you beg for help if you need it, try, try and try, I DON'T JUDGE though others judge me, if you need a friend I'm there, I'll try my best, I know I've made mistakes.

    Peace be with you, and look for the good...compassion makes life easier on everyone. The reason we suffer is to test our level of compassion in hard times, if we pass, we earn grand stars on our shoulders like a general, one day we will be rewarded, respected and honoured for that.~
    [/FONT]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 26, 2009
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Re: Some suicide attempts/spiritual miracles/don't kill yourself/quote-poem/youtubeto

    Hello again Chris,

    Well there's a hell of a lot in what you've said to take in, and I can't pretend I understand all of it, or indeed a lot of it. But I can see you're in pain, and that you've been suffering for a long time, and that you've struggled a lot - and that you've survived. Do you write much poetry? I liked what you wrote in your post, it's inspiring. You know there's a Poet's Corner here where you could put some of your writings and people will read them. I have to say some obvious things though - like self medicating, never a good idea because you never know how the mix is going to react to other things. And I think you say you are on prescribed meds, but not sure there. If not, obviously that's something to look at. And if you are, maybe getting them adjusted or changed will help with some of what's going on in your head.

    You sound like a really good guy - only that no-one has really seen it properly. Do you have much to do with other people? Friends, clubs, things you do where you meet others? Especially others who feel a bit like you?

    And I'm really sorry you've had such awful things happen to you. I can't find any words to help you there, only that I feel for you, and that's not much use - but maybe it will help to make you realize you've been heard, and that I'm still listening.

    Tam
     
  3. Tim.

    Tim. SF Emoti-King

    Re: Some suicide attempts/spiritual miracles/don't kill yourself/quote-poem/youtubeto

    Really? I mean, I think we all feel this way. But I think in reality there are a lot of people that go through the same things we do. I don't know. I just feel that we have a tendancy to think we are all alone, but in reality there are people out there going through the exact same thing.

    Now, finding exactly who they are? Maybe that's a lot of luck or skill.

    I really liked the poem. Not even so much because it particularly spoke to me about my situation. But I feel like it was you talking about what you wanted to feel like at one time.

    I don't know, maybe that's in my head. But that's what I thought.

    Really very good.
     
  4. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Re: Some suicide attempts/spiritual miracles/don't kill yourself/quote-poem/youtubeto

    You're a smart guy MNTim, thx. Thanks heaps Tam for your compassion as usual. Tim and Tam. TimTam chocolate biscuits, look them up if you haven't heard of them, they are fantastic. Life is always interesting for me, or maybe I think too laterally, consequence of living in a dream world 24/7.
     
  5. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Re: Some suicide attempts/spiritual miracles/don't kill yourself/quote-poem/youtubeto

    I remember Timtams from my days in Sydney. Arnott's aren't they? Gosh how a word or a phrase can bring back memories you thought you'd forgotten.

    How are you doing Chrissy? :smile:
     
  6. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Re: Some suicide attempts/spiritual miracles/don't kill yourself/quote-poem/youtubeto

    I've been crying coz a girl I am in love with is not doing well at all. I'm sad. I also hurt my friend Kate and that makes me sad too.
     
  7. happyville

    happyville Well-Known Member

    Re: Some suicide attempts/spiritual miracles/don't kill yourself/quote-poem/youtubeto

    I just want to say hi, I'm sorry you feel down, but your brain is very interesting. I like the way you phrase things!
     
  8. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Re: Some suicide attempts/spiritual miracles/don't kill yourself/quote-poem/youtubeto

    :sadpanda:That makes me think of that Hannibal Lector movie *apologises*

    But thank-you ^__^ .
     
  9. happyville

    happyville Well-Known Member

    Re: Some suicide attempts/spiritual miracles/don't kill yourself/quote-poem/youtubeto

    Oh man, I love the Hannibal Lector movies. Believe me, I consider that a compliment!
     
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