Some Support Required...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by GamerrGrrl, Nov 22, 2011.

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  1. GamerrGrrl

    GamerrGrrl Member

    I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to be big and brave and support everyone else, my disabled Mum, my disabled Aunt, violent father.

    I have some days where I feel like me again, big and brave, like I could conqeur anything. But for the past fews days I've been feeling so low. I just want to rip myself to shreds. I try talking to my Mister but it doesn't help, I don't think he really understands.

    Recently I've temporarily lost part of sight in one of my eyes, it's better now though, I have cysts on my ovaries that need 'investigating'.

    I want to self harm or possibly even kill myself but I don't know how or where or even why really. I hate being alone, but that's all I ever feel.

    I'm sorry all, I guess I'm ranting.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 22, 2011
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((Grrl)) seeing as you have no real idea how to do the horrible deed, please do not look too hard to figure out how to.. good luck with the vision and cysts problems..

    make a deal with you.. we will both try to let our vulerable, scared sides out on here as we need to .. that is ok and just maybe we both will get some of the help we both want and need so very much.. you take care, Jim
  3. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Dear Aud first :hug: cuz you need it.

    You know, there is no book that says we have to strong ALL the time.

    We all get overwhemled at times, I know I do.

    Times like this, I think its good to step back and take a look at what is really going on. Is someone asking for too much of you? Or are you asking too much of you?

    Medical problems can be so scary. The bad thing about them is we have to face them in such an well difficult environment: doctors who use words we don't understand, procedures that are scary, and family and friends who don't understand why we are so freaked about it all.

    I want you to stay safe. Is there anyone IRL that can support you? I'm not sure if you have any mental health professional support, but I've found that to be really important to me.

    I may have rambled here but I just wanted to let you know that someone sees you and hears you.

    Keep posting to let us know how you are.
  4. GamerrGrrl

    GamerrGrrl Member

    I've got 100 million anxieties I'm living with as well. I'm meant to be driving to the Mr's house tonight to go to the cinema but I'm scared stiff of driving after a car crash in 2009, someone slammed into the back of my friends car at 40mph, both cars were a write-off and I was in A&E. So I keep saying to my Mister, "Yes, I'm coming. I'm leaving in a minute." and in the back of the my head I'm think, "Yeah right, I'd rather put a fork in my eye drive now." But I can't tell him.

    I've sorta stopped eating, but I feel like it's OK, I'm not really fussed. Today's total and it's nearly 18:00GMT, two waffles and a cake. My Mum cooks for herself and my Aunt but then if I go in the kitchen I get howled at for 'making a mess' so I've sorta stopped eating. I don't know what to do anymore.

    Thank you Jim.
  5. GamerrGrrl

    GamerrGrrl Member

    Angie, I've never really spoke to a Dr or anything about this, I just keep muddling on.

    There's no one IRL for me to talk too, in June I moved to the other side of the country so don't have much in the way of friends. They're all the Mr's anyway, so I'd hate to tell them in case they ran straight to him.
  6. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Grrl, kitty is right seems to me about you needing a mental health professional for yourself.. do not know the details about your Mister but taking care of yourself with some good help now is probably what you really need..

    especially with all the anxieties and phobias , this may really help you.. those who really love you would want this for you themselves.. Jim
  7. GamerrGrrl

    GamerrGrrl Member

    [/I]I know this may seem silly and hopefully you'll understand, but I don't feel like I could get help. Tonight the Mr and me went to the cinema, it was great I forgot how bad I felt but then I come home and it all kicks off again and my actions and decisions aren't ny own. [/I]
  8. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I think speaking to a doctor would definitely help. I know it is hard but it is the first step to recovery.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I too think speaking to a doctor would help, I'm glad your eyesight has improved but the cysts on your ovaries will need to be checked out, that can be scary but don't feel overwhelmed,the doctors have done this a million times, take care of yourself and use distraction techniques if you can.
  10. GamerrGrrl

    GamerrGrrl Member

    I can't bring myself to speak to a doctor about this yet. It's nearly three in the morning and I'm wide awake typing this on my phone.
    I feel like I've got nothing to look forward too or anything to be positive about.
  11. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I can sympathise with you there. And fighting health problems but seriously hun, it will be a huge weight off your shoulders if you speak to a professional. You shouldn't fight this alone.
  12. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((Grrl)) hang in there please. i do not say reach out for some real professional help lightly. know is scary, and you probably feel situation is hopeless and such and you do not deserve help.. been there done that myself like way too many on here..

    hon, a good, caring and intelligent therapist can be a life saver. try to keep talking to us here for now.. we take this one step at a time now together...

    tc, Jim
  13. Silenced

    Silenced Member

    First of all ... Huge hugs coming your way.

    Secondly... You said that going to the cinema helped your problems, correct?
    and that when you went home, all of the feelings and anguish came out again.

    Here is what I think. Maybe you should consider moving houses. I know it's a huge ordeal, especially in today's economic crisis, however, sometimes if you deal with a large number of things (especially hurtful things and things that cause sorrow) in a particular place, that place takes on a "bad" aura if you will.

    Do you think that a change of scenery would help?

    Keep us updated please!
  14. GamerrGrrl

    GamerrGrrl Member

    I couldn't move even if I wanted too, I live with, and sorta care for my disabled Mum and her sister. I don't receive Carer's Allowance because according to the Disability Living Allowance chaps they can care for themselves. No they can't, my Aunt can't put her socks on! My Mum can't lift things out the oven by herself! My Mister is buying a flat soon, so hoping to stay with him a lot, although my Mum has anxities when I'm out the house. My Mr. is an utter sweetheart, his work sent him to Ireland for a week and he was allowed to take me, and it was brilliant, I didn't feel anxious or want to hurt myself once. My anxities stem from my Mother and Aunt, but because I'm caring for them, I can't leave them.

    I feel a bit better today though, I didn't sleep til 4am but I feel slightly more optimistic and this chap makes me feel even better... :stars:
  15. Silenced

    Silenced Member

    I figured moving was a long shot, however, you mean the WORLD to both your mom and her sister. Without you, imagine how bleak life would be for them? You yourself are an angel and they alone should show you that you mean not just something to someone.. but that you mean the world to someone.
    I think that your just sort of going through a rut at the moment... Try and spend some extra time outdoors.. they can even go with you...
  16. GamerrGrrl

    GamerrGrrl Member

    It's a rut I've been in and out of since I was 14. I can't take them outdoors, my Mum is agraphobic and they both need wheelchairs and there's only one me. My Mum doesn't like me leaving the house sometimes, and especially now because my Aunt is poorly, she's had a cough for about 10 weeks, she's had various antibiotics and even a chest x-ray but nothings helped. But because of this my Mum doesn't want me to go anywhere.

  17. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Grrl, this is very tough for you.. others depending almost totally upon you just wears one down seriously.. everyone needs some me time occassionally. mum and aunt may protest things like you going to a movie or such but for your own mental health you need to do this sometimes..

    please keep this website and hopefully some other people and time just for yoruself.. tc, Jim
  18. GamerrGrrl

    GamerrGrrl Member

    I'm taking my Mr. out tonight to T. G. I. Friday's. So that's something to smile about and I'm *hopefully* going back to Uni to start my Masters Degree in Renaissance, Reformation and Early Modern Studies.

    Things are seriously bad in this house, my aunt is coughing so much she's sick, it's just wore everyone down and everyone is on eggshells tiptoe-ing round her and she's in such a bad mood because she's down, tired and ill.

  19. GamerrGrrl

    GamerrGrrl Member

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