Some things just don't make sense, my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LightInTheDarkestNight, Dec 21, 2008.

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  1. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    So my lips got infected on vacation due to me having a weak immune system and a extrmely dry lower lip that peels. Docs were stupid and gave my a hydrocortisone cream to reduce inflammation but actually promotes infection.

    The infection can mess with you head like people who get Lyme disease often end up in the mental hospital. I got really paranoid. When I got back from vacation the pain was intesnely severe my dad picked us up from the airport I mentioned how bad my lips felt he said "I heard this before" and I bascially just got ignored yet I was suffering in so much pain. They left to London shortlyh after I was getting a bit better and then I ended up going out to a club even though I was still feeling pretty bad. I ended up getting upset I left really drunk and ended up crashing. I have no memory one cop said I tried to kill myself which I think is BS. I was talking some crazy shit due to the skin pain I had been in let alone the paranoid/ crazy thinking i was experiencing due to the bacterial infection. I got a DUI and when they released me I didn't have my pants or anything so I walked 15 feet away and walked in front of a security car in the parking lot. I talked some crazy shit and they locked me up.

    The trauma from the crash and all that my my lips got really bad and the infection seemed to get worse. PLus I was now locked up in the mental ward. I worried myself about the whole situation.

    When I finally got out my parents were still gone I was in really bad lower pain and irritation which I know now is an infection. I began drinking so I didnt feel the pain. I was stupid I used the hydrocotisone the doc gave me and elidel this other stuff for another skin/nose prob which is a immunospresant little did I know it was an ifnection and i have a really weak immune system to begin with.

    Bascially my physical pain was ignored because I was having a mental/paranoid probs even th ough bacterial infection can cause thinking changes...

    I had two fillings done from dental work and everyting got worse I began having intense muscle aches and pains. And the pain became so severe words cannot even begin to describe how bad it felt. The skin on the left side of my face where it got frozen up into my cheeck the side of my nose thickened( and is still that way 6 months later). My jaw has receeded somewhat on the left side. It's not as bad as the sweeling but still if you look it's obviuosly there..

    The pain drove me crazy I was looking what was wrong with me. I went ot the hospital and the morons gave me prednisone, which made me feel horrible and the stiring felt pulsating with my heartbeat...

    Well luckily I went to a ENT told him about the pain and I got but on strong antibiotics clarithromycin and others for over a month and the pain got better. This was in september after getting the infection in late may.

    so yea now I'm always insanely tired I can't do anything like work out like I used to really enjoy. I have really low cholorestrol as well( lowest my main doc has ever seen like a new born babys level) which causes depressoin anxiety and other problems. This is on top of my IgM (immunoglobulin difficiency)

    I've had alot of health problems too that I won't mention here.

    I feel so alone too like I total burden on my family, I have no engergy to cook my own food alot of the time or pull my weight of any of the household duties. God must hate me.. I hurt the only girl who trurly loved me many years ago due to my young and stupid ways, seeking pleasure etc..

    I don't feel conncected with anyone I am not the same person anymore I have pics on my facebook from when I worked out alot and didn't have these most recent visible health issues. Some girls message me about dating etc and I'm not the same looking person anymore and it killed what confidence I had not to mention I don't feel good enough to really do anything fatigue wise. I even got a girl I knew from HS's number off facebook today what for when I know I don't feel good enough to do anything, telling someon ewhat I just wrote would scare most people off, people don't want to do deal with others problems for the most part, they avoid pain and seek pleasure. I can pretend to be normal while chatting a bit online but the reality is I am far from norm/average..

    and who would want someone like me in my damaged shape when there are tons of normal guys out there who work, have alot of friends go out have a good time. Don't have the physical probs on the outside/inside, visible and fatigue etc...

    I Just stay at home and survive in hopes of one day feeling better to do the things I want to..
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Man life has dealt you a shit hand. I can relate to the pain. I suffer from major migrane headaches, Can't be in the light , no noise, Ice bag on my head, Take my meds for them and sometimes they work and other times I will go up to a week with the same frigging headache. Oh I can do is lie there and cry.
    You know not all women are looking for the good time charlies of the world. There are plenty out there that would prefer a quiet man who is kind and considerate. Myself I always went after the wild ones and it would last for a while then they would cheat on me. I am 51 now and am set in my ways. There will never be anyone in my life again! I have my daughter, grandaughter, and my pup. That is all I need. So don't be so hard on yourself you will meet the write person in time, You need to learn to love yourself first so you don't send out negative thoughts. I hope some of this helps you.Good Luck!!~Joseph~
     
  3. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    This is mental illness..people with mental issues usually can't handle life and that's the truth. I have mental issues too.. depression, paranoia, social anxiety, and the urge to go back "home" all the time.

    So, anyone dealing with the problems of mental illness is in deep shit..depending on how serious your mental problem is, not your real life problems. People who are healthy, can usually cope with problems facing them..

    This is your life, this is our lives. We do what we think is best, live and let live. Nobody can say you're wrong or right.. nobody's here to judge. And there are people far worse off..
     
  4. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member


    Yes I've had anxiety not really depression until I became physicall ill..etc but that is related to low cholesterol a genetic cause. There are physical issues as well too so I wouldn't just say its all mental. Honestly I've had a ton of physical issues I think if you took 100 people threw them into my body they would be just as bad as me if not much worse. I'm not just being EMO I have and do have much much more then average health problems. I could go about them but i'll spare you

    Honestly I saw a physriatitst when I was still having the burning feeling and the lady was like what if your other tests come over negative... and just gave me meds. It was only the antibiotics which stopped the insane pain which made my life totally unbearable.

    Yes there are people who have it worse then me I don't deny that but at the same time pretty much everyone who lives in a civilized country has it better then me minus homeless people, very sick individuals

    Thanks stranger your a kind person.
     
  5. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry i don't really have any words of wisdom. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you, still is. If ever you need a friendly ear, please pm me :) :hug:
     
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