I guess I've found out what's been triggering my suicide thoughts. I've been testing for a few months now, and I belive it's the alcohol. I've always had a healthy relationship with alcohol, so that's not the issue. It's not the ammount, because I get the depressed feeling after only one beer, the next day. Maybe my body can't handle the alcohol? I don't know, but I guess I won't be touching alcohol anytime soon. The day after i've had a drink, that's when I feel i'm in a dangersone. I get all guilty, even though I've only been talking with friends and just laughed and had fun. I get more outgoing after a drink, it's easier to start a conversation. I become strong and confident to other people. Maybe I get ashamed of that? I can't anwser the questions, all I know is that my sad feelings isn't as much present when it's been a long time since i drank. And that's progress. I know I should be talking to a professional about this, but it scares me. And I feel like I can handle this on my own. Some days I feel like a dramaqueen who always hungers for the attention. I write today because I feel like a bourdon. I got angry at my boyfriend this morning because it was my turn to get up with our child. So he got up instead. And now I'm laying in the room, 12 AM, feeling sorry for myself and too proud to say I'm sorry. I know he's tired, and need some rest before he leaves for work. Why is it so hard for me to be nice to him? He's so concidirate and great with me, telling me to take my free-time whenever I need it, he makes dinner when I'm too lazy to get out of bed. One morning this week he woke me up with breakfast in bed. He really deserves someone who can give as much back. Not someone like me who take and take and never give back. I wan't to die, but at the same time i feel selfish for leaving the rest behind. I've never lost someone to suicide, but some people I know have lost their loved ones. And I see what they leave behind; sorrow. And I don't wish that upon anyone. Some days I tell myself: ''When will I have courage to die?'' Other days I ask my self: ''Why can't I have the courage to ask for help?''