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some truthful blabbing

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Invisible One, Jun 18, 2007.

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  1. If someone could tell me what exactly is the point to live, I'd be very pleased.
    And I don't mean the point as in "people care for you" and "you care for people", I mean the point for MYSELF.

    All these years I've been living for others. I'm alive because others don't want me to die. I'm alive because it'd hurt others to die. I have professional help, because others are hurt by the way I am. I need to get better because the way I am now, hurts others.
    But do I really want to get better? Sure I don't want to hurt anyone because it hurts me to hurt others. But do I really want to get better for MYSELF??

    what do I want, MYSELF?? I just want to get drunk and stoned and fade away. Die, even. Death is my biggest wish these days, so it seems.
    But of course I can't commit suicide, because I do not deserve it, right? Well I actually really do not deserve it.
    I have secrets. Things nobody knows about. Things that'll go with me when I got six feet under.

    The other day I was filling out an online survey and there was a question "place you'd like to be most right now" and I almost filled in 'six feet under'. Obviously I didn't. Because I have to smile and be like "I have such future plans! I wanna go do this and that. And I want to be like this and that. And eventually I would like to start such and such" And I have to brighten up while telling that. So far it seemed to have worked.
    But I can't do that anymore.

    If people would hear what I truly want to do, they'd be shocked. Even the most stable people would be sickened by my thoughts. Hence why I'm not gonna share them here.

    This is a situation... There is no hope for better things to come, because it won't happen. There is no hope for my life to turn around. There is no hope for my life. There is no hope for me.
    And once you've lost your hope, then what's there to hang on to? Nothing.

    I have absolutely NOTHING left for MYSELF. And I can't live for OTHERS anymore. I just can't.
    I wouldn't be surprised if one of these days I'd lose it and all of a sudden be dead. No matter how much that'd hurt certain people, I just can't do it anymore.

    I want to die. And I wouldnt be surprised if I will die soon. I will never grow old anyway, what do those few years matter.. Why not now instead of then? Saves me some suffering and ultimately it's best for everyone else too. I just wish everyone would realise that...
  2. :cry:

    It's just too much for me. :cry: I can't do this anymore... I want to fuck myself up so badly. I want to die. I want to be with the ones I love. I need to die.

    I know I'm being irrational now, but I don't fucking care, I need them, I need them so much. I need them to hold me. I need them to care for me. I don't want people here to care, all I'll do is end up disappointing them, or hurt them.
    People shouldn't care. All I do is disappoint everyone.

    I just need them so badly.

    What's life's worth when all you want and need is dead? :cry:
  3. Ok that's a lie. Not all I want and need is dead.
    But that what I want and is alive, I can't have because I'm no good for them. Whether it be friendships, love-relationships, familybonds. It doesn't matter. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. And if I seem to be good enough now, the truth will reveal itself in time: I'll end up disappointing them.

    'they' on the other hand already are dead. I cant disappoint them any further. Death has already taken them.
    Death should take me.
  4. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    I know who this is..Aww, hun. :hug: :hug: :hug: You know where I am if you need me.
  5. Blablabla Yadayadayada
    I want to die
    yadayadayada blablabla.

    The psychiatrist prescribed me Seroxat. My dad used to be on them. Or still is on them. I don't know. I don't care. Then why was that the first thing I thought when I saw what exactly the guy prescribed me? I mean my dad could be on fucking terpentine for all I care.
    At first the psychiatrist didn't wanna prescribe me the meds but then he was like "but you really NEED medication, theres no doubt about that" and eventually we sorta compromised. He'd prescribe me the meds and I'd have to hand them to my roommate who'll keep them safely away from me :dry: And she even has to contact my councellor to make sure they know that she really has them safely away from me. Just in case I get the idea to OD on them :dry:
    Yeh, you know, what-ever.

    I wanna die.
    Trainstation. Tomorrow. Today. Quickly? Slowly?


    Ha. Fuck it.
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