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Someday, but not today.

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My name is Jane. I'm not in crisis, but I am definitely considering suicide someday. Perhaps I don't belong here.........

I think my story is different, because I know that one day I'll have no choice.

A bit of background: I'm 45 yrs old, Mom to 5 kids & stepMom to 5 more. I'm married to a great guy who adores me.
I have an extremely painful disease called Peripheral Neuropathy that has no cure. It's very debilitating, and every month I get worse. I try my hardest to put on a happy face and go about my business, but the truth is, I don't really want to. It's just too painful Doctors refuse to give me the proper pain meds, so I have to get them illegally. Utter bullshit, and another rant I'll save for another day.
I won't do something that will leave my family in a difficult financial position, like smash our only vehicle into a brick wall. I'm just not that selfish. But I won't continue on like this forever, that's for sure.
I feel very sad today, and I think that's why I searched this place out. My youngest is only 5, and I feel really bad for her. There is no way I'm going to be here when she graduates. I can hope for a cure, but I have no illusions of anything like that in my lifetime.
I guess I don't know why I'm here. I've read a few of the stories here, and to be honest, I'm totally opposed to suicide. It's a permanant solution to most temporary problems. Except for mine. My problem is permanant and horrifically painful. If I were healthy and not looking at a future with even more pain, I wouldn't be here. I'm not trying to judge anyone. I guess pain is pain and it's not for me to decide where the threshold should be. I've had a hard life, and experienced many horrible things people have posted about here. I've never considered suicide as an option before I got sick, and I've been dealing with this, and countless doctors for 4 years.

So I don't know. That's where I'm at.



Staff Alumni
Hi Jane and welcome...no matter what is the cause of the pain, ppl need support and comfort, so you very much belong here...I am so sorry you have chronic pain...I know what that feels like, and it is awful...please post how you are doing and PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, Jackie
Thanks Jackie. That's very nice of you to offer that.
I've ended all my "friendships" because they don't understand me. They can't see my disease, so don't understand why I am the way I am.
You can't see pain or nerve damage. I just got sick of explaining, over and over to people who clearly weren't listening. So now I just hang out at home with my husband and kids.
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