Somehow just made it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jones, Nov 5, 2011.

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  1. Jones

    Jones Member

    I have been insanely stressed over school, life, moving across the state and leaving my family friends, being alone, gaining weight, just a whole pile of things that are messing me up pretty badly. Today, I had to write (still have to, actually) an English paper and am kind of sucking at it, and somewhere along the line, I had a complete psychological melt down.

    My entire life, it was my greatest fear. I've been to therapists, spoken to family members, friends, and my one question was always, "What if I just snap one day?"

    I've been told that it's not going to happen (by certified individuals), that I'm highly functional and too expressive to be genuinely depressed. However, depression runs in my family, along with a horrible anxiety disorder that I am also the lucky winner of.

    Today, I snapped. I know what it feels like, and it got to the point where I made myself curl up in bed and not move just so I could stop myself from doing anything stupid. I was so scared, like I was going to do something and not be able to stop myself, like I'd have no control over my actions and be caught like a spectator watching a horror movie, and I didn't want to die, but I was so convinced that I was going to do it. I don't even know what the classifies as.

    And the worst part of it was that I eventually caved and called my friend who offered to speak to me as long as I needed, but also gave me the number of a suicide hotline, and my immediate response was, "No. If I say I'm going to kill myself, they're going to come get me and then I won't be able to go to work on Monday and I need to pay my rent."

    I didn't want to die. But I had somehow convinced myself that some part of me was going to take over and do the job anyway, with or without my consent.

    tl;dr, I walked my roomate's dog, made a burrito, and am now breathing, listening to some music, and might just not turn in that paper so I can get it off my mind. I'm going to live today. And hopefully tomorrow, too.

    If anyone knows what just happened to me, I would love to hear it. Because I can't classify it and am very confused.

    Also, I guess I have a bit of advice. Maybe. It's so hard when you're down and apathetic, but try to look for the little things. I just looked at my cat being an adorable spaz, rolled on her back, looking at me upside-down with her big stupid eyes and thought, "Man, if I go, she's gonna care for like eight seconds."
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2011
  2. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    'what if i just snap one day' that may happen, i wont doubt that possiblity but if you keep focussing on that happening it only increases that possiblity, you've been through alot, moving across the state is no small feat. if you need help with your paper or want someone to write it, what level are you at? if its high school.. well.. if you like.. i could write it. but dont tell your teach okay? its our little secret ;)
     
  3. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    'what if i just snap one day' that may happen, i wont doubt that possiblity but if you keep focussing on that happening it only increases that possiblity, you've been through alot, moving across the state is no small feat. if you need help with your paper or want someone to write it, what level are you at? if its high school.. well.. if you like.. i could write it. but dont tell your teach okay? its our little secret ;)
     
  4. Jones

    Jones Member

    Ah, thank you, but my English prof would totally know if someone else wrote my paper, haha. I kind of have my own style that she's able to spot a mile away. And I'm in my freshman year in college. It isn't that the paper, itself, is difficult to write. I just procrastinated until the last minute and now have less than 24 hours to find 5 reliable sources and write a 4-5 page paper on what I believe is wrong with the American education system.

    I appreciate it, though.
     
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