Someone Better Than Me...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Cytrix, Sep 19, 2016.

  1. Cytrix

    Cytrix Member

    I just got back from walking in the rain as it was sprinkling after I needed to get some outdoor time. To think what was told of me.

    I've had a huge crush on this guy for a while now, yes I'm bisexual. I've had a crush on him since July and prior to that, we've known eachother for a year. He was with a bad mate whose bi-polar disorder was grinding on their relationship and couldn't stop stalking him either. This eventually lead to their breakup a couple weeks back. However, I was the go-to person who offered him love, care, nurture .etc to the best of my ability. We connected a lot.

    However, I've noticed that things are slowing down with him, least I feel that. He's not returning my love as often, not telling me "I love you" anymore and the sort. Things are still okay with him as far as I know.

    But then, I've talked with this close friend of his. It appears that this close friend lives an hour away from my crush. It's apparent he's deeply in love with him, gets visits from my crush and able to provide him everything I could but in person. He admitted deep love for him as well as going on to explain my crush in high detailed regard.

    And as this went on, I've felt that familiar feeling all over again. That feeling of obsolete. Inadequate. Incompatible. Out of place. Knowing now that it's a matter of time for the inevitable to come. I've been here before...many times. That person who's right there for someone you want, yet can't have because it's going to be set in stone. Which is now what I'm sadly waiting for.

    Oh I can keep socializing with my crush and go on like nothing happens. Until that time comes when...I don't get love back at all from him and realize that it's too late.

    I'm not one to compete either so...I'm just gonna end up letting go and fall back into feelings of obsolete. Just...wonderful. So, this is something I feel many could relate to.

    There's always someone there, someone better than you. That's a cold hard truth. There's someone there who's smarter than you, can love better than you, can do EVERYTHING you can do but just...better. You? You're yesterday's news for anyone's concern. Second best and a fallback plan.

    I work so hard, everyday, to improve myself. To prove myself that I can be better than who I was and better than my enemies. I give people the world before myself. I give everything I can to someone...

    However, it doesn't matter in the end. Because, just in mere moments when I think I'm at my best - there's ALWAYS someone who is better to come swoop in and just destroy everything I've sacrificed for. Then it just brings me closer and closer to hermit life...
    Aether likes this.
  2. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Cytrix,

    I'm sorry about your situation. Have you two ever met in person? Long distance relationships are so hard to keep going, unless both parties are really committed. I know you feel bad about all of this, I've felt heartache before and it's awful, devastating. I walk in the rain too, it's cleansing and comforting :) But please don't beat yourself up, you're going through a lot. I always felt that I would never be good enough for any man. I spent about 20 years alone, then I started to feel lonely. It took me until age 45 to meet someone compatible. Over a near-two-year span, I met and dated probably nearly 30 guys. Some lasted only a date, some I got stood up, and some lasted a few weeks to a few months and ended in heartache but I was determined and jumped back on the horse, so to speak! I put myself full-time into finding my soul mate though, after those 2 years, I found him. I guess that's just to say please don't give up. You're allowed to feel horrible right now, but like you, I would agree not to compete, especially if you are starting to feel some distance. I know this is typical to say but it's true that there are lots of people out there who will find YOU the best for them. Sending a hug xx
  3. Alot of women no offense aren't smart to know they can get ANY guy easily 99% of men won't reject a woman,ugly or hot we just want sex.
  4. Piexes

    Piexes Active Member

    Generally speaking, men are easy, in the physical sense. we know. But sex isn't love, or intimacy, or even concern. Infatuation is not "find anything" it is "I found this, and only this will do"

    I'm going through my first true heartache Cytrix, though in my case I know the man far less than you do, and I think at it's heart is has more to do with what he represents for me, what I have neglected in myself and feel unable to truly integrate into my personality. I can relate to the feeling of not being enough, comparing myself to other people and finding myself lacking. Looking at other women, thinking about how beautiful and normal and accomplished they are, how he'd think they were worth spending time with. I feel like a freak in comparison, like a weird little girl, stunted, not a woman.

    You are anticipating them getting together, you feel yourself fading into the background. One thing that stood out to me is you saying how much you've "sacrificed". I think about how I "gave", how I undermined my own wants and convictions more than I usually would. I began deferring to his, in hopes that he would begin to actually want back. It just annoyed him. And then I felt flimsy and weak, undignified and ridiculous, clingy, needy. spineless.

    The good that has come of it is realizing what I want for myself, what I want to nurture in myself, how I want to improve on my talents, not for him, but because I don't like what I turned into. I don't want to rely on anyone else so intensely. Wanting someone so much that you sacrifice for them, giving and giving in hopes that they give's like trying desperately to fill up the empty parts of yourself with them. like your self worth is contingent on their approval, because you like them more than you like yourself. And that's something we have to get over somehow.

    I'm not sure how much of this you could relate to, and I hope I haven't made this too much about myself...these are just some of my own thoughts on experiences relating to rejection, self-loathing, and feelings of inadequacy.
  5. Piexes

    Piexes Active Member

    another thing, I'm unsure of the context.. I'm not sure what your relationship status is exactly. You refer to him as your "crush" but he says he loves you, and you speak as though you are a couple in some ways, but then his friend spoke to you of him in a way that seems somewhat out of line, if you are his girlfriend.
  6. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    Generally speaking, there might be someone who fits your significant other's criteria better, but that doesn't necessarily mean there's someone who does absolutely everything better. Either way, it can't be helped, but with timing and availability, the odds can go in your favor, but I figure you already know that. Considering everything you had said, I can definitely empathize with you. It all sounds horrific, and you're allowed to feel distraught and bitter. However, I don't think there's enough evidence to conclude that your crush is falling in love with his friend. Despite him not telling you "I love you" and whatnot anymore, he could just be jaded; maybe he feels that it's gotten excessive but still feels the same way about you. Consider the possibilities, but if you want to stay on the safe side, you can assume the worst case, but I highly suggest that you stay in control of your feelings--to not let them consume you. You can keep your past experiences in mind, but don't let them influence you to throw in the towel.