Someone give me a reason to live......

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Dec 26, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    someone give me a good reason to live, to stay here to try and fight cause i dont have anything left to hold onto. nothing.

    you can not say that any of my family loves me or cares for me and that will be a reason to live cause that is absolutly wrong because they dont care.. this christmas i got no phone calls, no christmas cards, no letters, no visits , nothing, not a damn thing. brother lives right next door to me yet he stayed inside his trailer all day long, never came out, never came over, never wished me a merry christmas, so at about 5 pm i decide to go over there and i peck on their door several times and in a loud way but nothing, they did not even answer the door.. just wanted / needed to know that i was loved even just for a little bit but nothing..

    you cant say that i have any friends close by because i do not have any close friends, no phone calls even just to say hey we are thinking of you today , nothing not even that, no letters , no visits, nothing.. however i did receive just one merry christmas from one member here, just one member here sent me a pm,

    you know i was banned then unbanned because they realized i did not mean the way the word was written out on a christmas wish thread i had made so i go back there and place a link to 2 flash vidios, one of what would jesus want for christmas, and the other one was like the first christmas.. you know what replies i got? nothing but negative replies, one from someone simply saying i am confused, guess they got mad because i had not been banned so to post a negative statement.. they could have kept quiet.. and the other reply was simply, why not say it yourself? god damn it.. it was a flash vidio to others.. and it had meaning to those vidios but yet all they can think of or about is me,, dummy me posting and to post negative toward me.. everybody fucking hates me.. if you cant say anything nice in a reply then why say something like i am confused?? it is best to not talk at all if all you wanna do is say things like that.. but no they dont fucking care and then they say we will give you a fresh start, a chance to prove you have changed, etc.. what a bunch of fucking bullshit that is... they aint never going to let me bury my god damn past.. so i will bury it myself and it is going with me..

    the worst part of all this is i trusted, thats what it is.. i trusted that the daltons loved me , which they did not, i trusted the church, which they dont give a damn, i trusted friends, who back stabbed me and talked about me behind my back at other forums they did not think i even knew about.. i trusted friends here who said they would never leave me here yet they did.. i trusted that my family cared but they dont.

    i wished to God i had died that day.. i really fucking do.. if i had died then they could not hurt me any God Damn more.. they did not want me to live because they cared, hell no.. they wanted me to live so they could fucking hurt me again, and over and over again..

    i am out of here new years.. i really mean it. i am outta here new years.. so screw everybody who claims top love me and dont.. you can take your pretend love and shove it up your ass.. oh and i know you come here and read this fucking shit too, so screw you... i have what i need and it is an effective means , no way or chance of it not working at all, thanks to a friend who gave me effective means of doing it..

    so why am i posting? give a reason to stay.....
  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    only you can give yourself a reason to fight. no one can give you something ot live for. you have to find something on your own as hard as thatmight be. I dont know if this helped you at all or means anything.
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thanks :hug:

    just dont see anything worth fighting for anymore..

    given up on my cancer

    given up on the arson and finding justic, just wont work.. plan on getting the photo developed monday and posted here monday night if the danmg bank is open on monday???? then i guess i am out of here.

    Reason for posting the photo is because someone had to tell others here it was a lie ( which it wasnt ) so its to let others know i told the truth.. about the arson.. then i am out of here.. totally and for real..

    giving up on being loved.. was even told that i was loved by so many people, well if that is the case then why has it not been shown?? you know people speak the words but when theirs no actions to back up those words, then its not really the truth, at least it never has been for me. actions speak louder then words you know.. i have had many tell me that they love me but their actions prove something else.. i guess i am doing everyone a favor.. that is really what they want..

    thanks for the reply hun :hug:

    if ya dont mind me calling you hun?? if you do let me know and i wont call you hun anymore if it offends ya..
  4. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    :hug: sounds like you've been through an aweful lot. Sorry to hear things aren't going your way.
  5. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Please stay Susan so you can give me a chance to come and visit you one day,sorry I didn't message you for Chrissy I was just a bit over the place no excuse I'm so sorry.I know you're hurting and how much it's ripping you apart.
  6. srnityblu

    srnityblu Well-Known Member

    A reason to stay, because you have touched my heart. You are worthy and not alone. It may seem like this world has turned thier back on you, but you are loved, show you one person who cares? There are many on this forum who do, and I do.

    Another reason to stay, you have a wonderful future. You can't see it yet, and you don't know it, But your past is not the maker of your future. You are. You must have hopes and dreams? What are they? Start small...

    The people in your life may have rejected you, but you do not have to listen to them? Why listen, they are just one voice among many. You just haven't found the right place to call home yet. This world is full of many hurts, but just as there are hurts and painful memories, and people, there are people out there willing to reach out, willing to help you with your brokeness and willing to love you no matter what.

    Yes, welcome to my world. I too have seen rejection. A rejection from the time I was born, you are not alone, and you can over come this, others' rejection of you has nothing to do with you, and who you are, it's because of thier own fears and thier inablilaty to accept themselves and thier inablilty to love. Sometimes we feel rejection because someone doesn't have it in them to give us what we need and desire. They can't see our need because they have thier own fears and hinderances standing in the way so they can't give.
    One way to begin healing from all the pain is learning to accept and forgive. Forgive them, and learn to love yourself for who you are.

    You are a created being, you have a purpose, and a future, not created out of what others say about you, but a future created out of your hopes and desires and the love for yourself to be the best you can be. You are the hope for the future, it's not just fuzzy stuff I am saying. YOur pains can be to your advantage if you allow them to fuel your desires and not be overcome by the fumes. You do not have to lay down and die! I ask you to stay.
    If you need to talk, please contact me.

    I am who I say I am, I am not leaving, I will not abandon you. I say this because I know what it feels like to be rejected over and over and you give and give and try and try. Being someone who you are not to please others doesn't get you anywhere in life. Be yourself and treat others the way you want to be treated is how I live, and some time or another it has to pay off. If not, well at least I can sleep well at night and I can look at myself in the mirror. My word is my bond, it's all I have in this world of rejection. So far it's been working quite well.

    The love of this world is growing cold, and it's unfair but you do not have to let it rule you. Sure if you die, you are gone and you don't have to put up with rejection, but really, who would have won? You'd have the last say, but you no longer can make a difference and help those who are struggling with these brutes after you leave? Who's gonna take care of the ones who don't have a voice? Who's gonna lead them through the quagmire of hate and greed, and rejection and abandonment? Where will you be if they reach out, and the space that you once occupied is empty?

    Stay Please.
  7. neutral

    neutral Well-Known Member

    White Dove, I had a uncle that had bone cancer. I think that you are cool that you live with cancer and can at the same time support people here.

    You should stay around for the rest of your time, Its easy for people to be ignorant, Its hard for people to know what they miss when they still have it.

    You have probably heard heard this many times so I will not patronise you.
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    but why stay..

    i cant help anyone.. i am useless.. i am nothing but garbage.. i cant even post without it either being tooken wrong or people getting mad at me.

    i cant get a job because i got many things against me.

    it just wont work.

    so i say the hell with everything and the hell with it all.. i am leaving soon ... that is my choice.. if it is a bad choice then it is nobodys fault but mine.. it is my choice, it is my life and i can do with it what i want to..

    Nobody wants to see me in A BED HOOKED UP TO FEEDING TUBS NOW DO THEY?? well thats where my life is going.. that is what cancer does to a person and to their body. i seen my mom suffer and go through it and i wont do that. i wont go through what she went through.. never.. and i think the dang law isd stupid. i think they should allow people the dignity to die when they want to and by what means they want to especially when they are already dying from a terminal illness and will only get worser. when the law jumps in and stops it they interfering with an individuals free will and God wont interfer with ones free will .. so the police should not either.. that is why i am going to the state whewre a person can end it without anyone stopping them.. that state is oregan..
  9. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    Because I care about you, & I've seen ppl I cared for die already. Please don't do that to me :sad:
  10. neutral

    neutral Well-Known Member

    I somewhat understand your point of view.

    My uncle wanted to stay to the end so he could get his get his business in order.

    I know what its like when you are near the end because I have seen it and that is why you have the most respect from me because its not easy. (Dinner time for me is hours of nausea for you.)

    There is many people that go through less than you have, and seeing your posts helps them. At them same time liver cancer is always easer to talk about than live with.

    I will not fully understand what you are going though. But I am happy to read your posts as your opinion is important to people.
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Cancer is not an easy disease to watch or live with. But each individual reacts differently. Just because your mother died the way she did does not mean you are slated for that same fate. I have lost many loved ones to cancer and very few were hooked up to tubes at the end. You keep posting here that you want the past to be forgotten and that people won't leave you alone because of it. I can completely understand that, but in almost every thread you post, you bring up your cancer, the Daltons and how they betrayed you and about the lies you once told. How can anyone forget, including you, when it stares you in the face every time you read or write it. There is little we at the forum can do to change anything that happened in your past, nor can we change the fact you have cancer. We can support you through the rough times and continue to let you know how much you are cared for. We can offer a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, but beyond that there is little we can do. Only you have the power within you top change how things are.
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    oh hun :hug:

    cheer up go out and have fun this weekend.. thats what i am doing.. no cares, no feelings, just getting fun and going all out for the hell of it you know.. its coming a new year, celebrate it in style.. thats what i am doing...

    love you :hug:
  13. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thank you sweetie :hug:

    the beer and whisky make it much more bearable then one might think, and to get rid of a hang over the next morning a few sips more will clear it up.. if you drink and you know that to put one foot off the bed and the other on the bed is okay but when both are on the floor it styarts spinning again, just take a sip or two more and it will go away.. my pain is going away anyhow , especially when i drink.. its not good for me but neither is the cancer, so i stop the pain my way.. and drinking numbs me where i can stand it..
  14. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    your right , and you know what i am going to have fun. so the heck with everything else.. i am partying this weekend all the way.. no means to contact me.. no phones, no nothing.. it is my time to party , it is my time to cheer up and have some dang fun and this is a new year so i am going all out.. every step of the way.. ... thanks for all the pms and for your kindness.. thanks for your caring ... you take care and may you have a happy new year and many more to come.. may you have many more wonderful birthdays and christmases to come.

    love ya girl :hug:
  15. neutral

    neutral Well-Known Member

    I must admit that beer seems a good coping mechanism :tongue: . I drink about 2 to 4 litres (3.5 to 7 pints) at the weekends and is a welcome rest from my normal state of mind.

    Remember to post how you are doing, I will reply. (Even if its to say that I have read your post.) :smile:
  16. Rand

    Rand Active Member

    oh man how can drinking be a coping mechanism? i'm hammered and in tears right now. shit! i didnt think i could cry anymore.

    but listen. none of my family bothered with me at christmas. for the first year of my life, i was alone. tried to embrace it but it was hard. i know how this feels and it sucks big time!

    i passed my date. and now i'm looking for other survivers so please dont leave. i have to see other ppl getting through this. i think thats the stupid thread that i hang on to in this life, the fact that other ppl make it through somehow.

    i know i'm ranting on here, i'm sorry. i've flooded my keyboard with tears i dont know how its still working!

    please be okay? i have to see that you are, you've been here a while
  17. Barbados

    Barbados Well-Known Member

    Philosophy. Going through the lowest of the low has opened my mind and I plan to write my first book on philosophy soon, maybe its the same for you? I often find with people suffering with depression to be the most creatively gifted humans in existence.
  18. Dudly

    Dudly Well-Known Member

    Shine on you crazy diamond
  19. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    :hug: Susan. Have a great weekend. I'm glad you are treating yourself to a good time. Write when you get back and be safe :)
  20. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well Anastasia,

    When i wrote this thread. i had planned to take my life but then some things had occured that i myself ( yes thats hard to believe that myself would stop myseld but... ) did not attempt it..

    Believe me i had a sure fire way of ending it and if i had went through with it then everyone here would be hearing of my death and not of me posting. it was a disater to not do the attempt and then again it was not such a bad thing.

    The bad part of not doing it is = i found out just how much i am unloved by my own family - well birth family anyway - . i found out i am totaly unloved by the church family. if i had been loved they would have at least called etc, to see why i had not been in church, etc.. i found out i was not missed here by but 2 people and 1 that had sent me a pm almost every day while i was away.. that in itself proved to me at least that i was loved by that one person dearly ( and you know who you are and i love ya too dearly :hug: ) and the fact that i have to endure the many nights ahead of me ( however that much may be?? ) and what lies ahead of me with this cancer etc..

    The good part of not doing it= is the fact that this one person from here might have been totally destroyed if i did do it.. God would be devastated if i did do it cause he was the one who gave me my life and my second chance after my 3 attempt. and the best part about all of it i can tell those who hurt me to shove it... They tried to destroy me witrh hurt and pain.. they tried to destroy me by saying and calling me a liar a number of times, heck let them call me a liar all they want to.. i could care less..

    by the way i highly recommen a book to everyone that is hurting. it is from the happiness digest series called " THE MINISTRY OF HEALING HEALTH AND HAPPINESS " You should be able to do a google search on it..

    let me quote what is written on the very back of the book.. please note this is not my work nor my writting and i am in no way trying to take credit for it or copy it in any way okay.

    on the back cover it says

    Health and happiness go hand in hand. Never has it been more important to understand the physical and spiritual laws of health than today when stress, mental illness, heart disease, aids, and cancer are ravaging our society. Is there a better way to live? Does God and nature itself possess the secrets to long life and peace of mind?

    The ministry of healing is a classic work that spells out Gods plan for the health and happiness of the human family. Here you will find inspired counsel on everything from diet and exercise to building happy homes and an eternal relationship with the creator. let the ministry of healing lead you to a new life of joy, vibrant health, service to others, and peace with God.

    Very good book.. i recommend all read it. religious or not.. it helps..
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