hi, i'm new here. this is my first post. so here's my problem: nothing makes me happy. i don't know what is wrong with me. i've been unhappy as long as i can remember. i am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and ptsd and i'm on medications. i have attempted suicide 3 times in my past. and i still think of it. my boyfriend doesn't understand it or take me seriously. he thinks that me thinking of suicide is the stupidest thing. we've been going out for almost 4 months. 2 weeks ago his 2 year old son started living here with us (my bf is going through a divorce). i'm on disability so i watch him all day while my boyfriend goes to work. my mom thinks that's the reason i'm thinking of killing myself but it's not. sure it adds more stress to have a baby in the house but i was considering suicide before he even got here. i am trying to be strong and hold myself together for the sake of this family. i don't want to tell my boyfriend i can't handle it but it's so hard to make it thru each day. i worry all the time about people dying or leaving me an excessive amount. i don't feel like i am meant to live. i don't know why i was even born. i'm only staying alive because i love my boyfriend. i used to go to therapy but i don't trust them and the last one i went to just wanted to talk only about my dad who molested me and killed himself. it got really annoying and i figured it was just a waste of time and money. i've been hospitalized 6 times and i absolutely hate mental hospitals. they make me feel even worse and i'm not ever gonna admit myself into one. i feel like no one understands or cares and my life is falling apart. what should i do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!