Someone help me please!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xoutofcontrolx, Jul 22, 2011.

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  1. xoutofcontrolx

    xoutofcontrolx New Member

    hi, i'm new here. this is my first post. so here's my problem: nothing makes me happy. i don't know what is wrong with me. i've been unhappy as long as i can remember. i am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and ptsd and i'm on medications. i have attempted suicide 3 times in my past. and i still think of it. my boyfriend doesn't understand it or take me seriously. he thinks that me thinking of suicide is the stupidest thing. we've been going out for almost 4 months. 2 weeks ago his 2 year old son started living here with us (my bf is going through a divorce). i'm on disability so i watch him all day while my boyfriend goes to work. my mom thinks that's the reason i'm thinking of killing myself but it's not. sure it adds more stress to have a baby in the house but i was considering suicide before he even got here. i am trying to be strong and hold myself together for the sake of this family. i don't want to tell my boyfriend i can't handle it but it's so hard to make it thru each day. i worry all the time about people dying or leaving me an excessive amount. i don't feel like i am meant to live. i don't know why i was even born. i'm only staying alive because i love my boyfriend. i used to go to therapy but i don't trust them and the last one i went to just wanted to talk only about my dad who molested me and killed himself. it got really annoying and i figured it was just a waste of time and money. i've been hospitalized 6 times and i absolutely hate mental hospitals. they make me feel even worse and i'm not ever gonna admit myself into one. i feel like no one understands or cares and my life is falling apart. what should i do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
  2. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member

    I think many of us are struggling with "purpose". I know I am. I've read it a lot in the forum, and that is that the one constant is change. Dark days become bright. Bad becomes good - or at least better. We can learn how to cope better, and that can help us get to a point where we can get back in control.

    An important thing for you to do is find a way to communicate with your BF about your condition. You have needs, and he needs to be a help. If you aren't up to caring for his son, you need to speak up right away. Maybe he can get day care, or at least part time day care.
  3. Well-Known Member

    I agree. You need to take care of yourself. His kid isn't your responsibility, and if the situation isn't working for you he needs to be aware and help fix it.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    First of all, welcome to this forum. I hope it helps being here. I am sorry you are suffering so. I understand what you are saying about hospitals. Some people actually have good experiences for healing there. Many do not.

    you ask what you should do. Here is what I think, as long as you do ask. I know you did not like therapy the last time. But I would try again and again and again until you find a theraputic model, and therapist that you can relate to. The important thing is to keep trying.

    finally, you said " i don't feel like i am meant to live. i don't know why i was even born." I am sure you are meant to live. why, I could not say. But to die now would insure you would never find out. I am sure you were born for a very important and good reason. I personally believe that each one of us was. does that make it easier? No. Not at all. No mom should ever expereince her child dying. Right? So could you try therapy again? And again if that doesnt work? I know its hard. Believe me I do.
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Firstly, sorry to see you struggling with so much and welcome to the forum also!

    You have problems shared by other ladies here - and over time you will get to know a few for sure. you can examine the forums - the over 30s has a few posts specifically about caring for children - and new boyfriends. You maybe be under 30 but if you read the posts you will see how women cope.

    You say you been with the boyfriend for only 4 months - yet he is already living with you. Times are modern I know but you should still be dating because it does take time to get to know us men. Also - with you already being in a vulnerable state emotionally, its easy to fall for someone who might not be suitable. It's easy to let even the basic attraction and need for that closeness to 'feel' like love. You start to take seconds best and its all downhill from here.

    Don't get me wrong this love may be real. You can meet someone and know right way they are 'the one' - but love is a two way thing - a total share.

    If you have no children - I think your mom is right in that looking after a two year old is extremely difficult even for the real mum who seems a bit strange really allowing a 2 yr old to stay with the dad! This tells me the ex wife has some issues - and he knows how women with issues work.

    I know what its like looking after children that age - and trust me - you do not need this right now.

    If you feel suicidal sometimes children can make it worse. Usually the process of giving birth helps woman prepare mentally and emotionally and physically for that actual commitment. Just getting a 2 yr old handed to be your son to raise is going to be a TOTAL shock to your system. You are not prepared!

    You say your boyfriend laughs when you tell him you feel suicidal? I take it he knows you were hospitalised 6 times and tried to commit suicide 3 times?

    If this true - my advice is to dump this horrible nasty man as soon as possible. Stay with your mum for a few days.

    Some men just need a shelter when divorced. Housing is expensive - child minders also cost a lot. Cooking for yourself (I do this) is a bit time consuming and its getting more expensive. Being divorced he has likely always had his meals cooked for him. And his laundry?

    Living alone with his child - he would be struggling. Money wise - he would need help off the state I guess.

    If I was the divorced dad of a 2 yr old - no WAY would I move in with a woman I did not know that well.

    This shows a kind of recklessness for both you and the child.

    Anyhow - I know your problems came before this man - but in my view he will just create lots more problems and offers little emotional support for you.

    If you were my sister - I'd personally have done something unpleasant to him. Obviously, not when the poor little kid was there.

    For laughing at your suicide issues - you should really have told him to go that instant. That is the 'deal breaker' in my eyes. Any women laughed at me - for that! I'd actually just leave her or wrap all her things up in bin-liners if she had managed to invade my space. I'd call the taxi myself. Promise to redecorate her new place. Change my number, delete whatever email account she came in on and change the locks!

    Have a heart to heart with your mum.

    Have a heart to heart here.

    I just hope some women back me up here. Am I misreading? What would you actually do if a boyfriend laughed at your soul being broken?

    I am so angry - not at you xoutofcontrolx - but I think you are going down a road others will have travelled here. You love someone - he does not love you. A man who loves you would learn to understand how you feel and what you feel. If not - he is best kept at a distance.

    Good luck regardless.

    Your feeling alone I know - but if you came here alone you got a friend now. You got plenty of us! Our advice, collectively, is always right here. Even those who will not listen to us - know that.

    So, stick around - your in a place were people just like actually manage to live quite decent lives - and in some instances, people here are living the 'dream' but just have to overcome wanting to die to realise it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2011
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