Someone Help Me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by darkling darkling, Oct 18, 2015.

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  1. I guess for the past few months, all these things has happened to me and at first I could handle things and then after my boyfriend of 4 years left to go on Africa I just fell apart. For the past few years, I had been really unhappy studying what I had been studying in graduate school. I was only going to grad school to make my mom proud and to make her happy to repay her for doing so much for me throughout my life. As I continued school, I guess I had a mid life crisis of sorts because I felt conflicted in doing what I had always dreamed of doing which was to become a fashion designer and pleasing my mom by getting a phd. I thought of quitting my studies and going back to study fashion, but I felt like it was too late and that I was too old. While that was going on, I had recently found out a few weeks ago that I would never be able to have kids due to a ovarian scarring from recurrent cyst ruptures. This greatly sadden me to have had that opportunity taken away. Then this August, my boyfriend left for Africa for what we had thought would be a just a short trip to visit his brother in Africa and he was going to return in October. But things changed and then he decided instead to extend his stay until December and then told me a few weeks ago that he didn't want to be with me anymore. This combined with all these other things going on my life just sent me into a deep depression. I guess in many ways my boyfriend had been a sort of crutch always knowing how to cheer me up when I was down. When he was around, it helped me to not think of all the bad things going on in my life. Now I don't know what to do because Im so sad about everything. I don't eat anymore because i feel sick when I do. I don't sleep because I stay up thinking of all the problems in my life. I tried talking to my sister and she just told me that everything will be fine and that I just have to keep moving. But i feel like she doesn't understand how difficult things are for me. I find it so hard to just get out of bed everyday. I try to pretend to my friends Im ok when Im not because I know no one wants to be around a sad person. And after all of this, I just want to end my life because I don't see it getting any better. I don't want to be a disappointment nor a burden to anyone.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome,

    I am really sorry to hear you cannot have any children, that must have been very saddening and distressing news, I am sorry it is a reality for you. Have you ever considered adoption? (for further down the line) Just because you can't have your own child doesn't have to mean you won't love another child just as much. Are they 100% sure you will never be able to have children?

    Regarding your boyfriend, that is hard to deal with but coping mechanisms can make it easier. He is gone and for him to leave you he is stupid. You sound like a very loving person and smart. It is HIS loss. Not yours. I am sorry it ended though. Hopefully in time to come you will meet the man of your dreams.

    As for your sister, maybe you are right and that she doesn't understand, as for advice I would tell you to see a psychologist or counsellor to help you overcome and cope with these different issues, therapy can help a lot and maybe talking to your doctor will help too!

  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    darkling, Welcome to SF, You have gone through a series of traumatic events, one after the other, I am sorry , I understand, I can feel your pain and Identify with some of it, I cannot fault you for being sad, I would ask you to hold on, I know that everything seems so dark and hard to deal with right now, you have come to the SF where you will find that people are caring, willing to listen as well as willing to talk, you will find that some here are dealing with some of almost the same things that you are,and will listen and try to help you deal with the burdens that you find yourself bearing now! It is safe here as well as being non judgmental here most if not almost all here have suffered and dealt with feelings similar to what you are now. some still are dealing with them like you! read the forums and the posts that you will find here talk with the people that will contact and connect with you when you are ready! I am sorry that you felt you had to come here but you could not have found a better place to find your self in now! When you are ready to talk more I am sure that others will be able to help you deal with some of your problems an the issues that you find so tough right now! We are here for you! Please be kind to yourself, be gentle, there is a strength in being gentle and kind! You need and deserve it right now!
  4. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Please hold on Darkling. While I can't relate to the specifics of your situation, I at least understand feeling pain that I don't think that I can handle and feeling like the only solution is to end my life. Please believe me that while your situation is terrible, it will not last forever. While you are in this situation try to look for and savor any small happy thing: a happy song on the radio, a good meal, a comfortable set of clothes, etc. Just try to look at the small happy things to remind you that happiness still exists in life. Also remember that you have a community here that understands that sort of pain and is always here for you:)

  6. thank you i appreciate it. its been really hard to get through the days without crying and I really don't know what to do about it

  7. thank you i appreciate it. its been really hard to get through the days without crying and I really don't know what to do about it
    I have considered adoption, but I would prefer to have had my own. yes I'm pretty sure. I just had a surgery to remove one of my ovaries which was pretty painful and has made me bed ridden for the next few weeks which I think also has contributed to my ongoing depression.

    Concerning my boyfriend, I guess it hit me pretty hard because we broke up while he's away and like I feel like I didn't get the closure I needed and it hit me pretty hard because before we even broke up i had been pretty sad that he would be gone for a long time in Africa and now I really don't know what to do about it. I want to talk to him, to tell him how incredibly sad I am and how this breakup had greatly devastated me.
  8. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I am sorry darkling, I have the same issue right now . I can start almost anytime when my memories trigger as a result, you are not alone here, I wish I could answer that for you, I think it can be helped but to me it is new and I have not been to see a Dr, nor have I asked for help. I am sorry but maybe we can find out together? I have no solution yet. I have been dealing with depression all of my life I believe, it is just recently that I have become aware of how bad I was,
  9. thank you robroy. I'm trying to hold on, but everyday feels so difficult. you actually sound a lot like one of my close friends who told me almost the same thing. i try to savor small happy things, but everything makes me pretty sad. the weather getting cold makes me sad and so does the leaves falling. i try to listen to happy music, but i find myself just slipping back into sad songs because they make me feel like theres someone out there that is feeling what I'm feeling. the things that literally used to be easy for me is now so hard. I used to be able to eat, shower regularly, clean my room, etc and now all i feel like doing is just laying in bed and cry. i feel so lost right now, not knowing what exactly is the right thing to do. i had considered going to counseling, but am really afraid of just talking about everything to someone i really don't know and wouldn't feel comfortable.
  10. yea exactly. memories just trigger things and its like sometimes you are reliving your memories over and over again. yes i hope we can try to find out together. i can't imagine dealing with depression my whole life, but you must be incredibly strong to do so. I'm so sorry that you had to though. to me, depression seems to be a disease that just consumes every part of your being. its like a cloud over one's head that just seems to prevent one from seeing the good side of things.
  11. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Darkling Please hold on, keep talking in here tell others what you are going through like you have done, We all understand how hard things like this can be many if not most have been where you and I are right now, one of the thigs is to keep positive people around you, here you will find people like robroy, he brightens most of my days without even trying because he almost always is cheerful, when in my opinion he is going through a rougher time then me! try to build on that goodness like I do, he helps without even knowing that he is!
    You have to try to grab those positive attitudes and feelings when you can! I understand how hard it is talking to someone you don't know, maybe after a while more in here talking to positive people, you will be able to talk to a counselor or therapist, you need to know that you are not alone here! Try to slow down if possible take a few deep breaths an sit back and take it easy for a few minutes, like he said think on the little things that please you or make you smile, the little things are what makes life worthwhile so many times!, I know how hard it can be keep going for one more day we are feeling what you are feeling believe me! I had to stop listening to those sad songs, I would be unable to function! I too have given up so many things, but I am here, I am willing to try an help you an others as long as I can, I get so much in return, Thank you for listening to me ramble on Darkling, I believe that you are worth talking to and sharing how and what i feel!, You are with people that care! Be easy on yourself! You need to heal some after all that you have been through! Please be gentle on yourself!
  12. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Darkling, I am very glad you have found this place, but am sorry you need it. I wish the world was a grander place and no one needed this sight.
    You are doing the right thing by trying to find even one thing you enjoy. That is a start to finding your way out of this hell. When you look at the falling leaves try and notice their incredible color. And remember that their falling is a necessity for the blossoming of spring. I sometime thing our miseries in life are a bit like the fall. They make us appreciate the spring all that more.
    One thing you said really jumped out at me. That about all you were doing to try and please your mother. To make her proud. That is an incredibly considerate endeavor. And parent's often try to live through their children. But I would ask you to remember that this life is yours. And you need to do what pleases you (excluding suicide of course). If fashion truly interests you, pursue it. But do that because YOU want to. Not because your mother wants to. And it is not too late to pursue fashion as a career. Many people find their life calling later then planned. And many change careers many times during their life. Many return to school at an older age. And when they do they tend to excel more then their younger classmates as they appreciate the opportunity more. Excuse me for being long winded. All this can be summed up by just saying, don't give up on yourself.
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