I'm completely new here and I'm pretty scared and not entirely sure what to write. This might all come out as a jumbled mess and for that I apologise but I just need to rant and not care about grammar or spelling. I just need it to leave me. I have suffered from depression all my life, but only went to a doctor 10 weeks ago. They put me on Fluoxatine and I hated it. I also suffer from suicidal ideation. The past 24 hours have scared me so much that I don't know if I will make it through tonight. I take sleeping tablets and Diazepam (although I only have one of each left and I'm not sure if the doctor will prescribe more because of the addiction levels) They have changed my anti depressant to Sertraline- but I have read this causes hallucinations and I am too scared to take them. The last 36 hours have been horrid. I never knew pain like this existed. I didn't know you could cry so much your eyeballs hurt. I'll start off yesterday lunchtime. James is one of my best friends. He used to live in the flat above me until him and his girlfriend broke up, now he is staying in my flat with me until he finds the money to move into his own place. He has been getting overly jealous of my new relationship and yesterday we fought because he thinks I am going to desert my 9 year friendship with him to be with Martin. (My new boyfriend). I wouldn't ever do this but it really upset me to think that James had so little faith in me and thought so little of me. Anyway, day was alright until Martin called me. He told me he recieved an email from someone with a conversation from facebook that was copied and pasted from an inbox where i have had a conversation with my ex fiance talking dirty and telling him i didn't want to be in a relationship and i m only dating martin and its nothing serious. I have never had this conversation and although I still talk to my ex, the ex knows that me and martin are serious so wouldn't respond the way like he did in this "conversation" my ex knows nothing about it either and we dont know who sent the email. As I was on the phone to Martin my other best friend phoned me. I have known her and her famiy for over 13 years. She told me her Dad passed away. I was compeletly gutted as he was like a dad to me too. I went to hers and we cried and held each other. I left at around 9 to go and see Martin and try and fix things, this morning i got a text from my gran telling me she was in hospital. I left Martins house and went to the hospital (around a 20 min walk from martins house) She was asleep when I got there I chose to let her sleep as much as she wanted. She stopped breathing and the doctors couldnt do anything. Everything I have I have lost in very little time. I want to curl up and fall asleep and not wake up. Although I have waited for someone to wake me up since yesterday. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't stop crying. I feel like theres nothing around me. I took my dogs for a walk in the woods earlier and it just felt like darkness. i wasnt even concious of my legs movng or my surroundings. I feel so alone. I'm so scared of myself. I'm so scared that the ideation becomes reality.