Someone pinch me and wake me up?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by edinburgh_chick, Jan 17, 2012.

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  1. edinburgh_chick

    edinburgh_chick New Member

    I'm completely new here and I'm pretty scared and not entirely sure what to write. This might all come out as a jumbled mess and for that I apologise but I just need to rant and not care about grammar or spelling. I just need it to leave me. I have suffered from depression all my life, but only went to a doctor 10 weeks ago. They put me on Fluoxatine and I hated it. I also suffer from suicidal ideation. The past 24 hours have scared me so much that I don't know if I will make it through tonight. I take sleeping tablets and Diazepam (although I only have one of each left and I'm not sure if the doctor will prescribe more because of the addiction levels) They have changed my anti depressant to Sertraline- but I have read this causes hallucinations and I am too scared to take them.

    The last 36 hours have been horrid. I never knew pain like this existed. I didn't know you could cry so much your eyeballs hurt. I'll start off yesterday lunchtime. James is one of my best friends. He used to live in the flat above me until him and his girlfriend broke up, now he is staying in my flat with me until he finds the money to move into his own place. He has been getting overly jealous of my new relationship and yesterday we fought because he thinks I am going to desert my 9 year friendship with him to be with Martin. (My new boyfriend). I wouldn't ever do this but it really upset me to think that James had so little faith in me and thought so little of me. Anyway, day was alright until Martin called me. He told me he recieved an email from someone with a conversation from facebook that was copied and pasted from an inbox where i have had a conversation with my ex fiance talking dirty and telling him i didn't want to be in a relationship and i m only dating martin and its nothing serious. I have never had this conversation and although I still talk to my ex, the ex knows that me and martin are serious so wouldn't respond the way like he did in this "conversation" my ex knows nothing about it either and we dont know who sent the email. As I was on the phone to Martin my other best friend phoned me. I have known her and her famiy for over 13 years. She told me her Dad passed away. I was compeletly gutted as he was like a dad to me too. I went to hers and we cried and held each other. I left at around 9 to go and see Martin and try and fix things, this morning i got a text from my gran telling me she was in hospital. I left Martins house and went to the hospital (around a 20 min walk from martins house) She was asleep when I got there I chose to let her sleep as much as she wanted. She stopped breathing and the doctors couldnt do anything. Everything I have I have lost in very little time.

    I want to curl up and fall asleep and not wake up. Although I have waited for someone to wake me up since yesterday. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't stop crying. I feel like theres nothing around me. I took my dogs for a walk in the woods earlier and it just felt like darkness. i wasnt even concious of my legs movng or my surroundings. I feel so alone. I'm so scared of myself. I'm so scared that the ideation becomes reality.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, Edinburgh Chick. I'm glad you found us. I'm so sorry for your losses. No wonder your walk felt like darkness - emotional shock and upset will do that - it's quite normal given the circumstances.

    It's obvious that you loved your gran a lot and that you really cared deeply about your friend's dad. I'm sure they'd both want you to go on living as good a life as you can, so please don't give up on yourself. You are not alone, although you feel alone - you have your friend and you and Martin are still talking to each other (in spite of the email/facebook issue). James might have been acting jealous because he's insecure with the whole world after his own break up. I hope he comes through for you now, as you go through your own rough times.

    Grief after sudden loss(es) is hard, and even though it may feel as if you will never feel better, time will help you. Allow yourself to mourn, sweetie. And keep posting here and let us know how you are doing. I'll be thinking about you. And again, so glad you found the site. :hug:
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome. :)

    I'm so sorry you've had such loss recently.

    About the sertraline, I have been on it for six weeks now myself. No hallucinations. Side effects were minimal in general. From what I understand, that side effect is very rare. Please don't avoid taking it for fear of that. You could also ask your doctor about trying a different SSRI that doesn't have that particular side effect listed.

    Hold on, okay? Call crisis line if you need to. Talk to your doctor as soon as you can.
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi edinburgh_chick,

    I am so sorry you are going through so much loss and relationship turmoil....I cannot imagine how hard of a time you are having with these exceptionally difficult circumstances.

    I am glad you joined this community though, and I hope these forums give you a sense of connection and belonging....know that it was a great pleasure meeting you in chat, and.....I will keep you in my thoughts. Please take care. :hug:

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