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Someone who understands this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CJkord, Nov 23, 2010.

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  1. CJkord

    CJkord New Member


    I'm here writing this because I honestly don't know where else to turn to. Ever since the age of 12 I have contemplated suicide. It's always been my escape plan and I've attempted 3 times with the most recent being 2 weeks ago.

    I've seen numerous therapists, taken anti-depressants, and just tried to get through this roller coaster of life on my own. The question of whether I should or shouldn't commit suicide comes up on a daily basis and it's like a quiet voice inside my head that I can't seem to silence. In my most recent attempt that voice overtook my mind and it was all I could hear. Telling me fuck the world, suicide is the best plan, you can escape the bullshit of this life and finally be free from it all. I was interfered with by my closest friend, and well I'm still here. Now I feel I've lost that level of friendship because of what happened. Just another thing on my mind.

    Looking back on it though, I can't figure out what it is I'm trying to run away from. I feel bad that I even contemplate suicide as there are plenty of people out there far worst off than I am, and somehow they still manage to get up each day to face their lives with the will to live on. I've always felt that God put me here as the experimental, let's see how much shit I can throw at this guy before he breaks. I'll be honest, I'm tired of trying at life, and waking up every day putting on the happy face because that's what I'm supposed to do is getting old.

    Anyway is there anyone out there that can relate to what I'm going thru?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    there doesn't always have to be a reason for depression It can be your chemicals in your brain are unbalanced. Getting the right medication then to fix this is so important that way the thoughts of sucide will go away. Talk to your doctor okay change your meds if they are not working but it is treatable this type of depression so i hope you can get the right meds to help you
  3. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    Hey there, im glad you shared this here..i can relate to much of this...am i an experimental..like on the truman show....lets see how far can he be stretched till he refuses to bend any further. If you'r tired of living this way, it cannot be changed with a click of the fingers. This time in this life is yours, its your natural right to experience it desirably and happily. Do not measure your troubles with anothers especially if it makes you feel lesser and smaller. Sort out what you really want to be in a day or a month or a year's time..starting with i want to be happier is probably a good start :hug:
    anything bothering you in particular?
  4. steve6

    steve6 Account Closed

    I know what you meen, I can't give you any advice to help without being hypocritical
  5. CJkord

    CJkord New Member

    There are a list of things consistently on my mind, and sometimes it all overwhelms me. I haven't talked to my sister in close to 2 years now, for whatever reason she decided it was best to remove me from her life.

    I lost my job this past October and it was probably the best job I will ever have had the opportunity to work. I'm having a very difficult time finding another job.

    My best friend moved away a few weeks ago, and we've pretty much been on the same path in life for the past 12 years. We did everything together and now he's gone to other side of the country 3600 miles. He asked me to not move there or seek work there because he wanted his new relationship to work out and that me being there would cause problems for his girlfriend. Over the years he showed me how to be myself and be accepted for it, and in all honesty a lot of the reasons I have stuck around is because he was there for me. Leaving him behind would have been wrong, and that was always the answer to that voice inside my head. I know it's not wise to live for the sake of someone else but my friendship with him was the reason I stuck around. I even questioned why I felt so strongly about him. I know I'm not gay, but my emotional attachment to him sure had me think it briefly after he left.

    It just seems like everyone around me is moving on with life and I'm sitting here stagnant with nothing to push me forward. I've felt this way for a long while, and haven't had an out for expressing what I've been feeling. I'm not very good at expressing my feelings or emotions. They just erupt into something irrational and usually ends up causing chaos.

    I could go on and on with the things that just don't seem to work out for me. There isn't any one thing that gets me going but it all combines to cause me to want to check out. I've tried searching for what makes me happy, but there doesn't seem to be anything or anyone out there. Maybe I need to just go live in the mountains for a few years to figure all this out. I can't find myself...
  6. Sapphicgamer

    Sapphicgamer Member

    I know exactly how you feel. When I'm in a good enough place to realize it, I have a bunch of friends and family that love and care about me, but sometimes that scares me more than helps... And sometimes circus of mental health care is just as scary and depressing as the illness itself.
  7. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    Looks like what was your emotional safety net, which was holding you in place and granting you your primal identity has dissipated. You are quite right about one thing, you need to figure out what you would now do with yourself, im truly sorry that you find yourself alone in such an undeserving situation. I was very close to my best friend for many years until we went our separate ways. I suffered similar withdrawal symptoms and tried to fill that void by gaining new friends, but emotional attachments cannot be re-attatched to someone new so easily. Surely, something must have made you happy in the past, like doing certain things with ur best friend for instance...i know its hard to accept one's temporary loneliness (remember, its only temporal) and sally forth. But if you put the keys to your happiness back into your pocket, then perhaps you will remember what things make you feel better. As for expressing your feelings, which are critical since if you dont know exactly what ur feeling, you will become disassociated with your own self...which is someone none of us should ever lose. Keep a diary, i know it may sound silly..but believe me it really helps...write a line or 10 pages a day..about anything, without inhibitions...slowly you will come to terms with your situation and a solution shall present itself. Self-motivation is the key here, have faith in yourself..you have nothing to lose by doing so, and the rewards are great :hug:

    Pm me if u ever need a chat.
  8. CJkord

    CJkord New Member

    Thanks for sharing shiv, I think I feel better knowing that there is someone else out there that can understand my side without just asking well how does that make you feel. I do feel I can't find myself and I'm not sure where I should even begin. I may take you up on that offer someday to chat, thanks man I feel better and am glad to have come here.
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