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Someone will always miss you

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by All these mixed emotions, Nov 30, 2010.

  1. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    "Forever is love and it goes beyond death"

    This story begins on a cold winters day 2006 in a town in sweden. That was the day I meet her for the first time. She is the one that my heart wants. She had that look, sweet, little and shy, with the personality of an angel.

    This was my first love ive felt in ages and I was happy again, she fulfilled my life completely from day one. After only some dating she moved in and the good life finally began to grow. She did everything for me.

    She was a good woman with a caring heart, she never said anything bad about people, she was so innocent in every way. She only wanted love, my love was all that kept her alive she said. She wasnt happy until we met that winders day.

    And we were happy, so happy, so much love and cuddling. The last 4 years of my life I owe her for it, she made them the best time of my life and ive made hers to. I was her first love and you should know how we loved each other.

    But there was a downside... she didnt feel well, she started to get worse, she stopped to eat, she started to hurt herself at home, but never when she was with me. I tried to show here that my love is still strong and that I would never leave her no matter what.

    Still nothing worked and she got worse and worse, I could only watch my baby die on the inside, I held her hard every night wishing that it will end and that she would tell me what happened.

    That never came... the only thing I got was a letter saying that; im sorry, you will be better off without me. Ofc I said that I wouldnt be better off at all. But she felt so much in the way, there was not much I could say. I only wanted her to be with me, cause ive had the time to spend with her.

    But she refused... she tought that she was in the way, that I prioritized my friend more than her, and how much I tried to tell her that she is all I have to live for and look forward to, it never reached her head, she became more isolated.

    The last time we did see each other was in januari, we havent seen each other since newyear when we watched that crap Avatar. But when she came over in the middle of januari, this year, ive noticed that something changed, she was dressed all in black, but she looked happy and we went to bed and cuddled for hours... until she just said; I must go now, I dont know if we gonna be seeing each other again. I was confused by that and we spoke on the phone that she didnt want us to split up, but that it was for the best...

    Now I know that she wanted to “protect” me from what she was about to do. At the time I didnt know that she got about 360 pills from the FUCKING doctors... So one februari morning she took them all with a bottle of liquor, at her mother house... That day was a friday and she and I had plans to meet I stockholm to talk about how shes feeling, this was all new, since she meet the doctor in the beginning of this year and had no clue on what was going on with the treatment

    All I pushed for was that she would try to “fix” the anorexia, that has gotten so bad that she now only weight 34 kilograms... It tore me up, I was so helpless... I think it scared here away from me, in her mind I would only feel so bad and miserable when I see that my baby is dyeing right in front of me..

    So she took her life the 5:th of februari 2010... and I didnt even call although we made plans for that day... I called the next day, her mother answered on her phone, saying she is dead... it still rings in my ears everytime I have to think about it... She is fucking dead! The pain is so intense I cant stand it. Why didnt I do more, Why wasnt I there? I have no excuses... im a failure, I thought love could save her and that she would give me the time to be there for her... but no I didnt work that way

    And now without her by my side I can only find three things that came out from this is that she showed me how much a life is worth and that love hurts and how a whole world will fall so easily and quick when there is something wrong.

    I also realized that ive faild, I faild to keep my love alive and to be there for her in her time of need.
    When everything was dark for her, I didnt bring the light..

    So all I have now is a broken heart of a broken dream and I cant fucking stand it... All I want I can never get back... When I was in the morgue too look at her a last time, it tore me to pieces... Ive been falling ever since and trying to stay alive with a dead inside...

    The drugs the alcohol, the painkillers, the sleepingpills... nothing works and as I keep falling is the only thing that is on my mind is her face. Her lovely face... and the memories of a time there I wish I could turn back time and do over... not to fuck up this time... I would give all for her to be alive, even my own life...

    I am forever in debt and forever unforgivable... I just fucked up my dream and I dont know if I can live with myself, with the anger, “the ifs and buts” the crying, the flashbacks, the dreams.. its all outta control... I will see how long I can stand this... she killed me..

    And the biggest lesson is that someone will miss you! Never forget that! You are not alone, losing you will drag someone with you... it will kill...

    Thats one of the reasons i felt for sharing the biggest misstake ive ever made

    Always say goodbye like its the last time you will see each other...

    ...It all can end in a flash of a blink..

    I will always love you girl....

    Bless and hugs and love and empathy


    P.S i know its a long text... but pain is hard to describe... you dont have to read it, only if you wanna...

    I was nowhere near ready when all it ended
    So I hoped we could find a new day, cannot live without you

    You gave me the chance, time and again, in vain
    Now my feelings for you, every tear, every smile, paid in full
    Break the chain, but no longer can I take the pain

    It's hard for me to love myself right now,
    I've waited, hated, blamed it all on you

    Needed to be strong, yet I was always too weak
    So I can only blame myself for this state we are in
    -paid in full
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 30, 2010
  2. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    for my hundred post i will think of you my sweatheart.... so it dont go to waste..

    multiply it by the times that we never been apart, and youll see nothing can divide a heart plus a heart

    always and forever is love...