Something bad happened and I am truly alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NotThisLife, Sep 22, 2010.

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  1. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    I sit here, alone in my room, and I realize just how truly alone I am. I have family, my mom loves me, but they are all so distant. They do not really know me at all, and if I told them they would shun me forever, and if they DID still love me I'd be too uncomfortable to be around them. So I am alone in this pain.

    Something bad happened today. Anyone who has read my threads will know I was convicted of a crime I did not commit. I was set up by my ex boss and convicted on her lies. That is my number one problem right now, trying to get over the fact I'm now labeled a criminal when I did not do anything to deserve it. And not only did my record suffer, but I paid over 3,000$ in fines and restitution. Well....

    Now my ex boss has decided that scratching up her cars and sending me to jail for it was not enough. Today I received the papers informing me she is now suing me for the damages. I've already paid the damages once, to the insurance company, they were the ones who paid to fix the damages. Well, now my ex boss has decided she was "so stressed and inconvenienced" by my "actions" that she seeks the 3,000$ now for herself for emotional distress.

    This just pisses me off so much. I have been shaking in fury for hours. How fucking DARE this bitch come after me again. I've been through hell over my wrongful conviction. Going to jail was traumatic for me, in there I had my first suicidal thoughts in years, and now thanks to this bitch I have them all of the time now. I still remember the strip search, it felt like being molested all over again like when I was 7.

    When I got out of jail, I was so relieved because I thought this was OVER once I got off probation, which I did in June. For the first time in two years I was free of legal worries. Now I have yet another court date looming over my head, and I can't cope anymore. This is pouring salt into wounds that had just begun to heal. What's worse, is that my lawyer says she has a case even though I have already paid this once.

    I have promised myself and those around me that if I lose this lawsuit I WILL kill myself. I have already paid 3,000$ for something I did not do. I had to sell my car and my 1,500$ ESP guitar to pay off this shit once. I have nothing left to take. It seems this woman is detimined to make me take my own life. Why is she after me like this? All I did was get a better job, quitting her place was nothing personal.

    So this could very well be the beginning of the end for me. I have always been alone and frightened of the world, now I'm absolutely terrified to go out my front door. This woman took everything from me, now she wants more. But I wish her luck getting money out of a dead man. She wants my life, she can have it!

    I almost hope I lose the lawsuit. Then I'll finally have the guts for sure to end this trainwreck I call a life. No more of fear, no more bitch using the courts to sabotage me. No more memories of being molested, no more memories of caring for my Grandma when I was 14.

    And best of fucking all, no more sitting under the tree where the one thing I ever loved is buried. No more wishing to hold her again. No more emptyness without her. Yes, death greets me very warmly right now. I honestly do feel like I'm entering the last month of my life, and it makes me sad because deep down I don't want to die.
  2. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    This is truly unfair and you have my deepest sympathy. But you still may win the case so don't despair. If the worse happens, then you could ask the judge a year or two to pay? Perhaps serving community services. I was sentenced to pay $800 once, and the judge gave me 6 months to pay. You can pay like small sums on weekly basis like 50$ a week.

    I know how you must feel. Betrayed and being walked on. But your life is worth much more than mere money that can be replace.
    Please keep talking to us. Keep us updated.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is so difficult to muster the energy to fight when you feel so down, but maybe, just maybe, you can get your just revenge in the present and decide afterwards what you want to do...I am so sorry you are going through this and do hope she finally leaves you alone...big hugs, J
  4. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    No, if I lose, that will be it for me. I know it will be. I have already lost everything to pay this the first time around. I know I won't go to jail, but I never did this and I should not have to pay twice for something I did not do the first time around. This just makes me sick

    My life has been one tragic series of events after another, it's just reached a point to where I simply will not allow life to treat me this way anymore. I mean, I have so much going on, I feel like I'm going to explode. And I have no one to talk to because everyone tries to help and when they see I can't be helped they give up.

    I don't know what is a lonelier feeling, to have no one to talk to or to have someone and have them give up on you. I'm still not sure the answer to that....
  5. ingelosi

    ingelosi Member

    There are people here that will talk to you,they talked to me when i thought there was no one.

    There is always hope mate i've seen it myself.

    I really don't know all the answers or even what to say to you but i'm still here for you.
  6. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    Well, in all honesty it's not going to make much difference. As much as talking helps, it all hinges on the courts decision. I know it may sound crazy to say "this one outcome will determine if I live or die" but in all honesty that is the case. The courts decision will not be the reason per se, lets just say it will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. There are limits to what I can endure, and I cannot endue this type of injustice twice. I was just beginning to heal from the two years I spent in jail and on probation.
  7. Glastonbury

    Glastonbury New Member

    I have served time for a crime I DID commit and live with constant guilt and shame. And I have no support of family or friends. I cannot hold my head up high.

    If you are innocent of the crime then you CAN hold your head up high. You should not be suffering from and feelings of guilt. You are a better person than me.

    You may be suffering from feelings of shame and you are obviously very angry.

    You say that you have family and friends. You MUST talk to them about how you feel. Let them help you with the feelings of shame.

    And use that anger you have in a constructive manner. Don't let something that is not your fault beat you down.

    The court case is hanging over your head and you are fixated on that. I know that it can be impossible to see anything beyond that. And memories of the first court case colour all your emotions.

    But you said yourself that you have already been punished. You have been through the worst of it already. What is to come is at worst a financial impact and, as has been said, you will be given time to pay any restitution.

    Financial debts can seem very bleak but they are only temporary. There is a long road to be trod after all of this has gone away.
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :sad: I wish I could say more than "I'm Sorry". There are some terrible people out there. Sounds to me like she is relying on your situation. Sadly our system is pretty crappy. She is likely hoping that you will settle and she will not have to take you to court.

    Hang tough man, I am pretty sure that since she took so long to file this suit she will have a bit more trouble winning. After all you can Sue people in prison. As much as I hate saying this have a little faith.
  9. Arch

    Arch Member

    Is it possible to Counter-Sue? I'm not entirely up-to-date on your situation, unfortunately. If she is wrongfully accusing you, it is possible for you to sue her for harrassment. Maybe talk to your lawyer about this if you haven't already.
  10. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    Whether or not I'm "better" is irrelevant. I'm very sorry you don't have the support of family, without my family's support I could not have made it through this far.

    While I may have been innocent, the shame is still there. Having been in jail, you know how they make you feel in there. They make you feel like scum, and believe me that's how I felt. They strip away your dignity. Sure I may have been innocent, but with all the hell this has put me through I wish I had done it. I've never committed a crime before, it would have been nice to at least know what it's like if I had to be convicted anyway.

    And that's what frightens me the most

    And to the other replies, no I will absolutely not counter-sue. Believe me, it's an appealling thought, but I want this to be over. If I won a counter suit, it's almost certain she'd come after me again. She's come after me twice now on something I didn't do, can you imagine what she'd do if she lost? I'm trying to find a way to put her behind me for good, and winning a counter suit would only give her a new reason to want to make me suffer.

    You know what the sad thing is? I got a job at her place, a kennel, in order to gain experience in the animal field. When I volunteered at a big cat rescue, when I asked what it would take to get hired they told me a minimum of three years animal experience. They said any animal experience would do, so long as I proved responsible for keeping cages locked. That is important to prove for obvious reasons around big cats. So when I moved here I got a job at her kennel to get that experience. I was up to two years, was supervisor of the entire kennel staff. Now I realize she would have sabotaged me no matter what, now I have two kennels saying they fired me (the new job was kennel work too) and because of that my career with big cats has ended before it ever got started.

    She always told me I'd regret it if I left. She was right
  11. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    That is a messed up situation. Sounds pretty bad. You may have to fork more money. But you can live your life free to pursue another job. No more jail time. Good Luck.
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