I live to die. Death is my ultimate freedom and relief. Death is the only hope for me. Then I can't I just kill myself right now? because I am being responsible. I don't have any fears or scared feelings about death. Even all the pains that I actually have to go through in order to succeed. I know exactly what to do and I know I can work it out this time for sure. So, I asked myself this. Why can't I have guts to live but having this desire to die. Why can't I use those energy and wanting to die behavior to live? Because Living, life is so damn hard. when I think about death. The pains won't last. It's like I will enjoy those pains because I know that it won't last. So, this makes me feel like a biggest looser. I lived this far to come to this point and feel like I failed everything. The only thing that would make me happy is to end my life on my own. I think it takes a lot of guts and courages to commit suicide. I wish I could change my thinking and turn them around. Living is a lot easier than killing myself. but I can't change that thoughts and I don't want to.... I feel very funny about this principal. I don't think it makes sense either.