Hi guys, I'm new here. About three months ago, I noticed my ears were 'blocked up', a little while after that they began ringing constantly. Noises seemed fainter - the sound of rain on the roof, the pages turning as I read a newspaper. I had trouble hearing in restaurants and when walking down the street, or when someone talked from an adjacent room/didn't face me, etc. I thought I had fluid in my ears or something. So off I went to the doctor and was referred to a specialist. He said it was permanent and likely genetic (recessive, as no one in my family has problems), furthermore it is likely to progress. So now I am left with this detached feeling, the world seems far away. I had insomnia before this happened, but at least I could lie awake in peace, escaping other problems as I lay in bed. Now I have the ringing, forever. I live in the knowledge that this will cloud my experiences for the rest of my life, perhaps it will even get much worse. I am now self conscious about my outward behavior and I feel slow and embarrassed when I struggle to understand someone. I have moved back home and am no longer studying. I spend my days just trying to forget the past, I would give anything to go back just one year. Nothing I experience will ever be as full as it once was. My family cannot understand, and I am embarrassed to meet people I knew before. I hide myself away from the world, knowing there is no escape from this. This isn't a problem I can work through, there is no way to fix it. I can no longer enjoy music and it makes me so sad when a song comes to my mind, to think it will never sound whole to me again. I'm 18. This is not a feeling any 18 year old should have. I don't want to live in such a hollow world, forever jealous of happy people blind to my suffering. My youth has been torn from my grasp, my awareness dulled. Nothing I achieve from now on will leave me truly happy. I know it will be terrible for my family and people who knew me if I were to kill myself, but what about what I want? Should I just stick around to be an object in the lives of others, alive but not fully there, so they may feel content. If only I knew no one, this wouldn't be such a hard decision. I want to overdose on heroin and die peacefully. Of course, I'm sitting on the fence here, why else would I have posted this? Should I really continue with a life that is so much emptier, with no chance of improvement? Why?