It's funny how 1 person can destroy my life. Literally. I wrote something nice this time... Something nice. WHY DIDN"T U DELETE ME THEN!!!!!!!!!! why didn't u delete me when I was writing all these stupid woe-is-my-life type stuff. I decided I wanted to quite writing about my feelings and about my life,,, but I've changed my mind. U won't read these I know for sure of that. I've been deleted. So ohh well!!! Will I make things worse for myself? hell yeah. I alwayz do when I write what I feel. U HAVE NO IDEA u couldn't even IMAGINE. U couldn't even imagine.... If ppl are going to take part in hurting me, I will speak about them. and I'm at the end of my rope. THere is soo much right now, so much stuff, My world is spinning in every negative direction there possibly is and I can't stop it. Other people control it, other things control it. I'm not strong enough... I'm weak. And I let myself love people... It doesn't take alot for me to love. I have lots of it. But Few things will let me love them. So when I do find somebody I love (AND BTW I"M NOT TALKING ABOUT ROMANCE I"M TALKING ABOUT ANY FUCKIN KIND OF LOVE- LIKE A FRIEND OR FAMILY) BUt when I find somebody I love, I will completely give it all to them. I give them soo much. I have SOO much love to give, and I HATE it. I HATE LOVE, but I can't stop it. If I didn't love... like everyone else seems not to... I wouldn't feel any saddness... ever.... mabye I love wrong. Mabye too much? all's I know is that something is wrong. I would give my life for WWWAAAYYY to many people. People who have stepped on my heart and played games w/ it. I'd STILL give my life for them. ANd it felt like that. Mabye It's b/c I can't let things go, every single time someone has said anything to me... I remember things from the 2nd grade that still cross my mind too often. Mabye it's simply b/c I don't love myself.... and I don't think I do. I don't love myself... mostly b/c, If knowbody loves me... what Am I worth? My mom loves me. BUt there are 2 things wrong w/ that. 1) she doesn't know alot about me and 2) she only loves me b/c I'm her daughter... if I wasn't her blood she wouldn't love me. EVERY SINGLE friend (which is not alot) has crushed me and crushed me some more. And they have no idea what it feels like. No idea. They couldn't. I feel negatives to the extreme... idk why. I get triggered by the easiest things. And If I don't love... I feel lonley. EXTREAMLY EXTREAMLY lonley. You have no idea. how could u? w/ all those ppl by your side all the time, you couldn't know. I've been lonely 90% of my life. My social life revolves only around the computer. It seems like I can only talk to ppl on the computer. [large] Do you want to know my story?? I'm done. THis is my story: [/large] All my life I've been quiet. Social Anxiety Disorder. I think i was practically born w/ it. So All through Pre-K elementay I had little interaction b/c of fear. I won't lie at to this day I still feel like 2nd grade was the best year of my life. Simply b/c I could feel alive and I had ppl there. I had 4 friend!!! 4!!! that's the most close friend I've ever had in my life at once! I even had a best friend!!! It was great. 3rd grade was pretty good too although we all didn't have the same classes at once so it wasn't as fun. THen 4th grade came around. I'd made even more friends!!! But I was jealous.. my best friend wasn't my best friend anymore, we were drifting apart. I was jealous of you two and that you'd been best friends forever. I was jealous. So I lied and tried to split you guys apart. And to this day... I'm soo sorry. I'll never forget what I did. I'm sorry I called you those things and told you I liked you better than her. I relize now what the real reason was.... it's not what you'd think. I'm so sorry. I don't think I hurt you that much, but I deserved what I got. I lost both of you. My fault. This was my first depression episode. Every night I'd go to sleep crying b/c I wanted you two back. I was so selfish. But you told me I was mean. So on top of the depression and sickness that went around. I got the stomach flu. I was then dehydrated and hospitalized. Long story short, I became afraid of throwing up, dealthly afraid. Other fears followed that and now have developed into Agoraphobia and Panic Disorder and GAD as well. My depression ended after that, after that It was only fear. Then the 6th grade came around. And about yourselfanother girl... her. You probably hurt me the most in my whole life. Through all the things I've gotten thrown at me, yelled at me, hurt physically, it does nothing compared to what you did. Not even close. At first I saw a nice side in you. You probably don't remember but I do... you asked me if I wanted to sit w/ u on the bunch during gym b/c I looked lonely. I said yes. You had another friend there and you guys talked to me for a few min. So after that I became fixed on you. I fell VERY VERY VERY VERYVERY hard for you. I stared at you after that, wanting u to talk to me again, b/c I was too shy to say anything And I didn't know how to get your attenion. So you started saying things like "wat r u lookin at?!" I'd turn away. Awhile after that I was starring at u one day and u SMILED U smiled!!! I was shocked!!! utterly and completely shocked! It looked like a real smile. For real!! So I smiled back... a VERy big smile... so you started to talk to me after that a little. Saying hi to me and starting small conversations with me. I remember the one day you walked into Language Arts class and handed me a note on my desk. It asked if I wanted to be friends w/ u (this was 6th grade btw remember) And you wrote some random things ... like how you like chickens and about your uncle and things like that. So I wrote back "Yes" and we were friends! At the time I should have seen the warning signs, I should have seen how mean u could be to other people, how you made fun of my physically handicapped friend. But I didn't see that, i'd look into your eyes and couldn't see anything else. I remember the first time you invited me to your house, i remember everything about it. I remember where eveyrthing is and still do if I were to walk in there today. I rememeber my mom wouldn't let me sleep over at your house... but that's not what I told you. I told you a secret lie instead. And you couldn't keep it either. You went right over to your other friend and told her what I had said. I was upset but It was ok b/c later you came back and apologized your heart out. When I got to know you better this happened regularly... idk why but I was obsessed w/ secrets. You told me it was ok to tell you things. How could I refuse... in my eyes at the time u were so perfect. You even said you liked me a little too. So I poured out EVERYTHING to you, over time. And after every single time you'd tell somebody else and come back telling me again u were sorry and u promised u wouldn't do it again. I believed u, and STUPIDly enough still trusted you! But you told too many people... and then people started to hate me, to look at me and say "eww".. even you did. "You sicko nasty bitch lezbo" I remember that ringing in my ears and it still does. I remember walking and having the bookz knocked out of my hands b/c of what you told them... and eventually alot of it twisted and not all of it was even close to true!!! The summer after 6th grade is when I finally stopped being your friend. And even then, I was so sad to loose you!! But it wasn't only you... those things you told people, and how all my friends could see I was obsessed w/ you.... I lost every single one of them. Every friend I had left from elementary school left after that and the 1 or 2 frienships I was starting to form stopped after that. So I was alone. I got in trouble alot because when you ridiculed me I couldn't take it. You were my whole world. I remember so much of what I did because of this, I remember the first cut very clearly and I was thinkinf of u the whole time... look where it's lead me now Started at 1 and now it’s over 40!!.... I remember at that point where I said i'd never forget... and I never had. But what really hurt was what followed me all through middle school… I had no friends, practically at all. Mabye a few aquantances here and there, but no real friends. Sometimes I’d hang out w/ my neighbor, but I believe she just felt bad for me, and eventually she left me too. Knowbody wanted to be my friend. I was so angry and so sad almost all the time all throughtout middle school. I could see how happy you were, how popular you were becoming, and how more people would laugh at me or avoid me b/c of what you said. You would go through periods of ignoring me, then laughing at me and making fun of me, ignoring me then making fun of me again… espcaiallly when u were around other people. I think you were insecure about your race and weight… things I’d never even given a second thought about. Even to this day, idk If it’s worse to be ignored or be ridiculed. You’d pass around the notes we passed to eachother to your friends and laugh at them, knowoing I had wrote my secrets on them… all of you got a big kick outta that. I remember one day in 7th grade that scared me half to hell, I was in the school bathroom and 3 girls, all really big and really tall corned me and pushed me and I couldn’t escape and they wouldn’t let me go for like 15 min. It SCARED me. I was Soo afraid. And Im so weak. I lived like that for 3 years, without anyone there for me. My mom went shopping with me, I was alone every day and every night of the weak. So that was it… for years. She was the only one who loves me… and that’s only b/c I’m her daughter. Every since then my social anxiety got worse. And the next friend I had I was nervous around all the time. which was just last year, When u first came here I knocked on your door. I was pretty nervous. I expected to be. But when I left that night I was so joyed that I had a potential friend. I smiled myself to sleep that night. I remember. I tried to get you to do stuff... well actually my mom kinda did, simply b/c I was too afraid to use the phone. Sometimes you'd do stuff w/ me and slowly we started becomming friends. I was overjoyed!!! You have no idea! I was happy!! HAPPY! BUt I was also so afraid. I was afraid of you. When you came over sometimes I would pace around, I called you a few times to tell u i had to cancel those plans b/c I was on the verge of a panic attack. I couldnd never show my personality. I couldn't try and be funny around u b/c... I just could!!!! I felt like you were greater than me... why would u want to put up w/ me? w/ someone as shy as I am? As boring as me seeing as I couldn't do soo much stuff w/ my anxiety. And above all U ACCEPTED the fact that I had anxiety. You were ok w/ me relaxing. I was so thankful for that. Knoeone other than my mom had ever done that. But just the fact that you'd come over got me so afraid.. but happy too. 99% of the time I hung out w/ u I was afraid. Even if I didn't look like it on the outside, I was terrified on the inside. Terrified mostly of rejection. I never knew it till recently. THat is my core fear. REJECTION. I went through about a month or so in jan or feb where I could barely talk to u b/c I was having an anxiety faze. But Somehow I did. And finally I started to come out of it again where I could talk much more easily to you and I was mostly happy again. But then I heard u might be moving. That HURT me. another person leaving me. The only friend I had was going to leave me. I was surprised at how well you were taking it, astounded actually. I couldn't see how you could not be soo upset.... but that's b/c I get attached too easilly (to things AND people) I went through phases of being sad going out of it, when there was hope you wouldn't move I'd be happy, then when there wasn't I was sad again. So what made me have my depression episode?? I lied. THis was The moving. The fact that i'd loose a friend AGAIN made my depression come back. So I prayed and prayed. I commited myself to 3 times a day to pray specifically for the purpose that you and your family would be happy even if you did move, but I prayed that you wouldn't move if at all possible. I prayed that for months. every day at least 3X per day. I love you whole familiy. You all are amazing people, very caring and I don't see many people like all of you. I wish my whole family were like yours. So Then the one time that one day when u said u were definatly moving, that's when I cried right in front of u and wrote u that note. That's why I cried. B/c U were leaving. There was no other reason. Those other reasons weren't even close to bothering me as much as this. And after that... well that's when u walked away.. I did and still DO consider it better than you actually moving. Your happy here, you have friend here. I truley am happy you got to stay at least for now. And at least I can see u here, even if we're not friend anymore, at least I can remember that you were actually real. I keep moving on b/c there’s some hope. There are some ppl who seem really nice, what’s standing in my way is depression and anxiety. And idk if there’s something else wrong w/ me too… so many ppl don’t like the real me, whenever I open it up ppl think I’m insane! (not saying I’m not) But I need to. I’m not like most ppl who can keep stuff bottled up inside, I just can’t, I KNOW it would destroy me. That’s why I’m writing this now, but it’s also the very thing that gets me in trouble. And I NEED ppl to love me. I just…idk I NEED it to feel like I’m worth something. And I don’t. That’s really All I need to feel happy. But getting there will be hell…. If I did start to hang out with somebody again… I know it will be the same process…Months of fear of that person!! MONTHS! I’ll be close to panic, I’ll be afraid but happy at the same time which is still something I don’t understand. And it will drain all my energy for a long time. Then I’ll start to feel comfortable eventually (I hope?) and most likely I can’t help but open up myself.. especially when something gets me sad. I HAVE to tell ppl. They’d be the one’s I’d tell, and then I’d have to take the (vary probable) chance of them abandoning me as well, or taking advantage of me, then it was like it was all that work for nothing at all. I may sound stupid to you I may look like a helpless shy little girl to you who can’t be helped I may have something else wrong w me I don’t even know about But even if this sounds like a pitiful thing, know this…. Even that Is only half of the story This is only one aspect and I hate it when YOU all judge me b/c U have no idea what it feels like to not have ppl outside your own family who love you and you have no idea what it’s like to be alone… I see all of you people and I know you judge me and think I’m just some sad depressed little girl. But I see all of you, You all have SOooooo many friends, so many people that love you. I see it. And I see all the things you can do that I can’t do out of fear, how you can all make jokes and give hugs and even start up conversations. You could tell me just to do it and get over myself, but you have no idea what fear is, I doubt you even have a slight idea. You’ve never had a severe panic attack before…. It’s hell to go through. Absoulute HELL. You don’t know what it’s like to feel completely drained b/c U had to talk to somebody or get up out of bed to go to school and how much fear that causes me. It’s not something I can help. And neither are my emotions. I’ve finally broke and I’m tired of feeling this way and all these ppl hurt me, not to mention my own dad! And I’ve finally just lost it. People weren’t made to be manipulated and ignored, and when someone gets enough of it sometimes We’ll just loose it.