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i don't even know what i'm doing here. i dont know if i'll be back here again to read any responses.i cant tell you how i am doing. i find it rude to talk about myself in this way. it's funny, yesturday i didnt come here because i convince everyone i'm fine. my friends, my family, myself. i dont even know if im depressed. i'm always manipulating my truth into what i want it to be. am i delusional? i'm caught in linear thought that causes everything to mean this and to mean that. is it me, or is it just what society has created, or both? and history has become a happy fairytale for hapless excrement of a self-destructing lifestyle. i dont know what is wrong with me, or what is the cause. I'm ADD? I have some kind of emotional issues? maybe there's nothing wrong, but i just dont fit? does everyone feel like me? i hope not.. because that would be the worst conclusion of all. i'm NORMAL! everyone has problems. get over it. i'm trying to get over it, but it never goes away. i remember a few years ago i felt happy i think. but that could be me lying to myself. i'm good at that. when i had a girlfriend, i dont even remember how i felt about her. i remember loving to tell her that i love her and she also caused a lot of stress. no longer together. i feel like that childness that i used to have was completely eliminated after we broke up. i only talk about her now because i feel like it's possibly a cause of this feeling.. but i still think about her, no longer dream about her, and dont feel as emotionally bonded to her. i wouldnt say i'm a crazy ex. just, an ex who doesnt want to remember. anyway, now i feel like a complete loser, sensing myself spiraling down a dark pit that will probably lead me nowhere better than i am now. is it true that everyone is looking for that 'certain thing'? is there possibly a cure? how can i figure out what is wrong with me? i cant even be honest with myself, i'm definitely not honest with my old counselor. when answering a question, i find the best answer. even if there is none! i used to think that i was seriously crazy. i still wouldnt even mind so much if i find out that i am. i just want an answer. i guess i still have the occasional happiness in my dreams. where i'm running from someone or getting in a fight or floating around or having magical powers. i wish i could sleep better though. i recently got prescribed to ambien (30 pills). the pharmacy only gave me seven tablets. it's okay though. i've learned that drugs are only good for temporary experience, and that's good enough. im such a fake/loser/nerd/mess. but so that i dont end up tying people to walls and slowly killing them (exaggeration), i need something. i need anything to make me happy again.:sad:
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