Something that I feel i needed to say

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Beautiful Disaster, Sep 20, 2007.

  1. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    I don't really know where to start..
    I got into a fight with my mom today. She started yelling at me on the phone and I hung up, maybe not the smartest thing to do, well..
    Last week she texted me "I love you"..

    When I was little my mom was depressed..
    I am adopted, which brings along certain issues. My real mom dumped, and she may have had her reasons for that, it's just that I dont know how you can dump your child. I feel unwanted, nobody understands that it seems..
    Anyway, me and my mom dont get along, I am not like her, she doesnt understand me and I dont understand her.
    The things she has done to me in the past seem to haunt me..
    I think i was 5 or 6 and I done something wrong and my mom faked to hang her herself in front of me and said:you would like that dont you?
    When I was 10 I wanted to jump out of my bedroom window, my mom walked into my room and all she said was: go ahead, jump.
    and there were so many times my mom was mad at me or something else, she pushed me into the car and drove like she was insain and kept screaming: I am going to kill us all.
    When I got older and we had fights she started hitting me. So last year she was mad at me again and she threw my bunny through the room. That pissed me of cause that bunny didnt do anything, and it cant defend itself. Then she started hitting me. And I hit her back (I never had done that before but I guess I had breaking point and I wanted it all to stop)..
    I ran away from home, cause I knew that if i'd stayed there was gonna be hell.. I know my mom and my dad.
    So I spended christmas on my own on the street.

    (long story, I know)
    I have never ever felt so lonely before. I thank God everyday for giving me the best friends ever, they let me stay over at there place.
    I called my aunt, we used to have a good relationship and I was able to talk to her, and she knew how my mom could be. I broke down and told her everything. And all she said was: I dont believe you.
    It felt like I fell into a blackhole.. I decided to break with the rest of my family. They weren't there for me at all, they didnt even believe me, which was heartbreaking. You only saw them at bdays and parties, I dont really miss them to be honest.

    Back to my mom. As much as I wanna, I cant love her. I dont trust her anymore. I have tried too many times and I always ended up getting hurt by her. I blame her, I was only a kid and she had no right to screw me up. I can not forgive her (she never said sorry btw either). A while ago she said to me: "I hate who you turned into". I am who I am today because of her..
    So last week we got into another fight and I ren away (I always do that, weird habit, I just take of and go away) and she screamed at me: You cant always run away from your problems!
    And I said the first thing that popped into my head: I dont know if you noticed but you're the one I am running away for.

    I feel like I have nowhere to call home. The person who supposed love me the most, let me down too many times. I am scared of trusting people, letting people in. How can I trust and love someone if I can't even trust and love my own mother?

    A part of me wants to break the contact with her.. Cause when it goes on like this I am scared that it will kill me. Its tearing me up from inside. She is the main reason i cut myself. Cause i cant deal with the feeling she is giving me.
    on the other hand a part of me loves her I guess. I wanna have a normal relationship with her. but i cant cause whenever I look at her all these memories come up..

    I dont know it anymore.. I just want it all to stop.. I am tired of the life I live.. I wanna let go of the past but I cant.. I have nothing to live for..
  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member


    I don't know how old you are but if you can make a clean break from your mother I think you should do so. From what you've said she is a danger to you, not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well. Her reactions for your actions are not excusable, no one should ever hit a child, no one should ever threaten a child with violence, in my eyes it's just wrong.

    I find you very strong and very courageous for standing and fighting for as long as you have. I know it's not the best solution but there are shelters and group homes that you could go to if you are underage, report her if you can because clearly she had issues herself.

    As for your birth mother dumping you I can understand your anger from that. Wondering why etc. Always know that people do things because they feel they have no other options, maybe seh thought she was doing what was best for you, not realizing the home life that you ended up with. Someday find her and get closure so that way you can have a true life.

    I wish you the best of luck hun, if you need to talk I'm a PM away.

  3. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Beautiful Disaster
    I would take the risk and go see a counselor and ask her not to reveal anything to my parents and that part of the reason why you came to her was because you thought that you could trust her to keep your secrets. Good luck.