something to do with self harm. *trigger*

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by scarss, Apr 21, 2013.

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  1. scarss

    scarss Member

    sometimes i sit and think to my self "what is this thing i do to myself? it is so abnormal and inhumane. I am a disgrace to society and to my family" The thought of dragging a razor across my skin is baffling and confusing. why would i ever do that? sometimes i wonder if thats how my family feels. if they are disgusted in me. if they are confused. if they feel i am a disgrace. But< edit mod total ecllipse triggering> Its betraying my because i want it to stop with all my heart. so why do i forget what i thought. why do i take my razor blade and take a deep breath. why do i count to three and set up the perfect position to hold my razor in-between my <edit mod total eclipse method>why do i smile when i see the blood slowly ooze out and form <triggering> why do i do it time after time. why is it eighty two degrees out and i still have to wear a god damn sweatshirt. why are my scars fading. why haven't i killed myself yet. why am i still alive. my blood fuels me. but it also drains me of any hope for understanding. I'm so confused between what i want. everyone tells me its bad for me and sometimes I'm tricked into believing them but i shouldn't. its so good for my i know it is because it helps. i feels so good. it looks so good. but then why do i stop for a few weeks and convince myself I'm not going to do it again because it getting to be summer? why am i not strong enough to hold out. why do i keep crawling back to my razor. why can't i go without seeing blood crawl down my arm? its not fair that i am ill. its not fair. i can't keep from doing it but i can't do it. I'm hurting everyone around me but i have to hurt myself its a dirty contradiction that is my life and its almost comical the irony that takes place. why is the start to so many phrases. why isn't my medication working, why aren't i happy, why aren't i thin, why aren't i pretty, why do i have to tear my skin open, why can't i go out in puplic without getting so scared. its a battle for the answers and i want it to end. so. bad.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2013
  2. SkyW

    SkyW Well-Known Member

    I think It's absolutely different for everyone. No one goes through the same thing, so nobody will be able to completely understand why you personally do it... But there is something that I do understand. It's a coping mechanism! Self defense, so to speak. You're in pain. Things get tough, and you take it out on yourself.
    It's too bad that some people (myself included) have had to cope by cutting... It is, however, better than alcohol or drug abuse, so it's not good to feel overly anxious or guilty over it. Besides, worrying to such extremes will only make you feel worse. It saps a lot of energy to worry... So you'll end up feeling exhausted, and then your defenses will drop... That's when things get tough (for me at least.)
    To be honest, nothing quite works the same way as cutting does. You're right, it isn't fair, and you can spend months trying to figure out how to make it work, only to come up short of an answer.
    And that's where we come in! If anything works for me better than cutting, It's talking things out, it's making a change to my internal dialogue by the encouragement of others. True, you are in a unique position, unique only to you. People won't understand the type of pain you're personally in, because everyone experiences things a little differently. But we're still people, and we still need support.
    So, then...
    What's been on your mind recently? What personally triggers you?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 1, 2013
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