Today, my home health nurse practitioner made a visit to my home. After talking for awhile, she said she's picking up bad vibes from me. That I seem very anxious, more than usual. I tried to deny that there was nothing wrong with me. Then the bomb fell. I broke down in tears because I told her how I've been struggling with suicidal ideations again and I have been crying a lot. She told me to honestly tell my pdoc tomorrow and see what she recommends. I don't want to go to the hospital but then again, I want to also. I've been debating about this for some time now. Just things get in the way. I have to pay my bills at the first of the month, and I have to go through housekeeping inspection in the middle of the month. I can't afford to go to the hospital because I have other responsibilities to tend to. I try to keep myself distracted and busy, but it seems that my cover-up is not that effective. I will go to group tomorrow and try to tell my pdoc what my nurse practitioner was concerned about and see what she says. I'm very scared right now.