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Sometimes I Just Need To Be Heard

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Well-Known Member
I am tired of making random threads whenever I am down. So I am making this my last thread where I will post my thoughts. I know there is a blog section. However, I hate talking to the wall on a forum. I like to hear people's thoughts if I am going to say something and no one can say anything back I might as well just stop coming to forums. I promise to not post very often.

So I was lying in bed, and I suddenly fell into a depressed fantasy. At first it was my usual fantasy, I got testicular cancer. :shelbi: Oh if ever there was a way to tip my depression that would be it. I had my usual fantasy of me jumping for joy and doing a little dance :yay: I am getting sterilized. I would look at the doctor and say "What was the bad news" :tongue:. All that kind of stuff. Ah happy day that would be. THen I started to fantasize more... turns out the cancer spreads.

The cancer spreads to my liver. Suddenly I only have six months to life. :huh: what would I do with this time. I realized that the short answer to that is I would just live my life. :dry: I am not going to quit my job. I mean my health insurance is part of my job. So I would just keep working. I would do my best to work overtime so I could do whatever treatments were going to string me along. :rolleyes: I mean what else am I going to do? So I go along with my life. Then I take a turn for the worse.

The doctor gives me at most a month, more likely a week.:unsure: What to do now? So I decided that I would spend this time in solitude. With my current life I have no question that I will die alone. I will not let cancer force my relatives into my room. I would say everyone gets to say their good byes. They do not have to go home, however, they cannot be in the room with me. I would be alone, isolated. I figure I will hand over my power or attorney to my mom. At this point I am resolved to dying. So if the doctor came in with a miracle treatment that would cure me I would say no. So I would put my mom in charge of that. She would be allowed to decide if any treatments that I have not already rejected would be done.

Then I die, it is a happy happy fantasy. I kind of laugh as I see all my family member's crocodile tears, as they call them. We have nothing in common. We are not close. They have no reason to be sad. Not even my mom. All sadness is something they would force on themselves.

:sigh: I think my depression is spiraling out of control. Everything I want to accomplish seems to be empty. Especially when I came to a realization, on this thread. That realization was that one thing could fix me. That thing is regular sex. If I was getting laid I would be happy. :sadwave: yup I am one of those losers. I know sex is not everything. However, when I really look at my life, that is the one thing I am really missing.

I guess I am just doing this to myself... it is hard. I am not sure what else I can do though. I am getting to the point of flat-out quitting. Giving up on everything... it is funny the further away I got from these feelings the more intense they become. I should just give up. That would be easier if I had a job I could be passionate about.


Banned Member

It won't help to make any suggestions :console: I know you have tried...but at the same time, I don't want you to give up either. How is that for confusing? How about a **hug** Best I can offer.

I'm not so sure i like your daydreams. Yikes. Perhaps umm, try daydreaming about how you can improve your social life?

Oh, keep posting your random threads. I read them. I think it's healthy and a good thing. I agree, posting to the blog section is like talking to a wall, then again, random threads can be like talking to a wall too. Grumph.

I don't think you are a loser. Have you tried for a different job? I know. That is not the real problem. :no: You are intelligent, Good looking, Have a decent job, You are a nice fellow with a good heart, hmm...there must be some road block here??

I think you attempted the socializing thing at, wasn't it like a gaming convention or some such, also a reunion? No luck getting together with anyone from the gym? When i think about meeting people, hobbies, clubs, and community service are the ones I come up with. Any local groups you have an interest in? Perhaps you can meet some HOT CHICKS that way? Who knows. Might be worth a shot? Takes effort and motivation and sometimes that can be difficult. Sigh. What about online dating? I know nothing about this, but i do know a friend who used to get a lot of dinner/movie dates this way. Do you have difficulty initiating or maintaining conversation?

See, I fell back on the suggestions. I was trying to avoid that. Forgive me?


I hope things get better :console: I think it's worth further effort. You are worth it.


Well-Known Member
@Kali: =^_^= Hugs are always nice.

That is the first day-dream of its kind. I have not had one of those for a while. Normally I do daydream about what life will be like once I am do fixing myself. Those daydreams have started to get a little painful though. Because they are the same daydreams I had when I first started my quest. It is always hard to continue when you are not really seeing any steps in that direction.

With my current job I am going to stick it out for another year. I am going to try to move out-of-state when my current lease is up.... :-p plus if I stick it out another year here I get a 5 year anniversary gift. So no reason to give up on this job just yet. The only reason I want a different job is because if I can like that job more I can bury myself in my work.

I believe my roadblock is that I do not believe anyone when they tell me I am good-looking. I also do not believe I have a good heart anymore. Plus there is my inability to talk in general. Well in real life. When I have to converse my mind goes blank.

I am definitely trying the socializing. I went to an anime convention.. but just had a bad weekend and could not socialize. I literally looked like I was lost the entire time. As far as the gym is concerned. I view that as a place to work out. Socializing gets in the way of that. I do not like to have my workouts disturbed and I do not want to disturb others workouts. Plus most of the time I am working out so hard that I can barely talk.

I know I am not really making an effort to meet people. There is just so little time in the day. Plus my focus is weight lose. There is a Japanese...errm... club, that I want to join. They do tons of cool stuff. Including a weekly meetup where they all get together and practice speaking Japanese. I figure that would be a good way to practice socializing. I just need to get back out there... I have not been out there... ~sigh~ I complain when I have not really been putting forth an effort. I wonder how my charity rave will go this weekend. I look forward to hiding in a corner....

^_^ I do not mind suggestions. I am always looking for different points of view. It helps me clear out my head. So no need to apoligize


Banned Member
Oh Good (Kali = relieved) that it's not an ongoing daydream, phew. That could be troublesome.

Yeah, no fun when things seem to continue down the same path despite our efforts, and i've seen you put some effort into things. more **hugs** for you.

OOh, I think the moving out of state idea sounds good. Have you always lived where you are now? Hmm, no huh? You went out of state for the reunion thing didn't you? Do you have a place in mind? I get excited about big moves. They can often do wonders. I've done a fair amount of travel, and with the right mindset, this could be a positive step. Do you have any companies in mind? It does help when one enjoys what they spend the bulk of their day doing. Sounds like a good plan to wait the year, and it gives you plenty of opportunity to look for another job, find a town you like, learn about the new area, etc. ...and nab the five year goodie!!

Sticking with the work outs and weight loss goals seems a good idea. Yeah, I see what you are saying about socializing at a gym. My workouts consist of mucking the barns or turning massive compost piles :poo: so i can't really relate. Been years since I've been to a gym. I stop and socialize with animals :cow: :rooster: :sheep2: ...that's pretty bad :huh:

Sigh, sigh, sigh. Come, come now, fellow. What would it take to convince you? You know, you could try simply trusting what others say, and if they pan out to be liars, don't trust that particular person again. Maybe just pick a few folks to trust, like me :unsure: and Ivy :stars: Generalizations about people not being truthful can mess with a person's head, and i suspect with their self esteem as well. How do you take compliments? Gifts?

You know, you are easy to talk too, at least on line you are. You have an excellent sense of humor. You are one of the few people I can actually have a serious convo with, and still inject a bit of lightheartedness, without having you break...which means you have good sense about you. You have incredible insight and have no difficulty articulating (at least it doesn't appear that way). I think you also put some people at ease when they talk to you, just the way you come off, and that is a fine gift to posses. You seem to have a very kind heart and you are sensitive, nice to have those on board. I managed to see a picture of you before the admin took it off, and you are a good looking fellow. Honestly, I was surprised because the way you talk about yourself, i guess i was expecting something a little different...You really are a good looking fellow, no problem in that department. You are intelligent, educated, have a decent job, and you are working on your self. I could keep going.

You don't believe these things? Have others told you any of this? If more than one person tells you something, perhaps you could try to accept it? Just, give it a little try? You don't believe me? :sad: :whack: (sorry :console:) These are things I have observed about you. They are things that have stood out about you. They are not things i have to stop and think about. They just are. These and a number of other things, are things I associate with you. I believe I've seen others make positive statements about you, that support what i say.

Would be kind of cool, if you wrote down on a 3x5, any positive statements others make about you. Stick to those that two or more people have said. I think I'd just write one or three words, kind of list format, keep it simple system). You could keep the card in your shirt pocket and then transfer the list to a paper hanging next to your mirror. Just read off the words quickly each time you pass that mirror or while you are shaving or brushing your teeth. Could try reading them out loud at at times. Maybe it will help reinforce things. I think while working on this, it might be best to ignore any negative comments or negative feedback from people. It might not even be negative if it's something one needs or desires to work on, but for now, anything to help boost your self esteem/self confidence, might be a better focus. I don't know...I'm just trying to be helpful because i really want you to find some happiness. I think you are awesome and deserve some happiness.

Hey, have you tried skype with people who are fairly safe? Like people you might be able to trust a bit? Could try voice and work up to a video call. Just to practice i guess. I'm wondering if that would help as far as talking, like getting a little practice in? I'm not so sure how helpful this one is. Sounds like you are a bit shy at times, or just a little awkward with in-person convos? I'm trying to understand and to think of ideas that might be helpful. Figure i'd just throw some things out there and maybe something will click.

I used to have a very difficult time talking to people. Zero eye contact. I taught myself the eye contact when i realized that is what people are supposed to do, and that it is expected. I was put in a position where i needed to be able to talk to people and glean information in order to assist them. Sometimes they don't quite know what they need or have difficulty articulating the problem, so I have to find ways to keep them talking, (which is unnatural for me), until I can figure out what is going on. Otherwise we might end up staring at each other for a long time.

At first, and i still have a bit of an issue, my speech was rather slow and kind of broken up. Some people actually commented to others, that they thought I was severely ummm mentally challenged. Who knows, perhaps i am. So, if you need to speak slowly, it's okay. Honest, don't fret what others may think/say, you know what is going on and that is all that is important. Give yourself time to think about the right words. Over time it becomes easier, reactions/thought process becomes faster. Perhaps practice conversation starters and general chit chat. Even with like the clerk at a store. If they give you an opening just take the cue and respond with another opening for them to say something. It's a brief interaction, but it's a start. Then again, perhaps you don't have difficulty with these types of interactions. I don't know. Anyway, learning these things also helped me socially and helped me to be a better friend to those i care about. I was finally able to communicate.

Sometimes it's a matter of feeling things out with the other person; where do their interests lie, do you see a spark in their eye when the discussion is on a particular topic. Little cues. There are also basic convo choices when speaking with someone for the first time or someone you don't know well. You can write a list of one word cues for yourself. When a person meets someone for the first time, there are a number things one can ask to try and kick start a conversation. Watch for cues as to when to go forward and when to back off. This kind of puts most of the talking on them. Many people will appreciate you listening. Toss a few words in now and again to maintain the convo or to change directions. It's a lot of practice. I can't articulate as well as you, so the above may have made no sense. i understand what i am trying to convey but getting it to the keyboard is a problem. **hug**

This Japanese thing sounds neat. Seems like it would provide ample opportunity for general socializing which could help improve your skills. I like this idea. What charity rave do you have going on? Is this something you are attending or assisting with? Aww, do you have to hide in a corner? Perhaps venture out once in a bit?

Well, I think i have talked way too much. Sorry about that. I kind of rambled on. Just disregard that which isn't pertinent, and perhaps consider things that might be helpful. Hopefully you will find a way to believe some of us. I think when i am in pain, i sometimes go round in circles so forgive me.

***hugs*** for you!!


Well-Known Member
@Kali: :shy: ..... :hiding: The chair will protect me :tongue:

Thanks Kali :hug: I know you say these things a lot about me. There are plenty of other people who say this stuff to me. I do not want to make excuses... but the net helps me. You are right I do have the ability to articulate my thoughts... however... it takes me a very long time to do that in real life. I am trying to get over it... however, if I do not feel comfortable around people.. I tend to shy away. It took me 4 months of working with a project manager to get comfortable around her. Then she hired a cute assistant and it took me close to a year to get comfortable around the assistant. Especially since my project manager and her assistant liked to mess with me. When the assistant broke up was dating she would always complain about how all the guys she dated were virgins. She wanted to know how she could make them want to make out with her.... :hiding: my answer was that she had to be a girl and date me.... Same assistant for a while claimed she was going to marry me... it was really awkward... because she was so cute and so contrary... to me... we were pretty much polar opposites... she was a cheerleader sorority sister. I was the geeky loser. I am better around my office. However, I still find myself shying away from new people....

Like I said... it is the fact that I am so different online and in real life. It makes it hard to see which is the true me... my low self-esteem generally opts for the crapper person.

I did some thinking... I remember I was talking to a friend... right around the time my now ex broke up with me. I said I was hopeless and lucky to have even had the female I did... so she asked for pics. She agreed, whole-heartedly. She said that, even with a lot of working out and fashion work I would only be a 4 at best and that I was one lucky guy to have ever gotten as close to my ex as I did... that always stuck with me I guess. Because it was what I already believed. Despite having several females from various forums say the opposite... it was what I wanted to believe... I do not know... there are a lot of things going through my mind... as to why I just cannot bring myself to believe I am as good-looking as so many people say.

I have similar problems to you. Eye contact... especially when I am talking to pretty females. I noticed today that when I was talking to my boss, at my employee review, I pointed my head at him and just sort of stopped focusing. I do the same with females... or I try to stare to intensely into their eyes to avoid checking them out. The few who I have actually.. conversed with. I also have a problem with my mind just not working. The second I engage in conversation my mind freaks out and all my wit runs away. I feel bad because back when I first started trying ot fix myself I actually tried to talk to females. I would always chat up the hostess at Villiage inn... on occasion I would look directly at a cute female in Subway and smile. I have not done that since November.

Yes I have lived in my current state the vast majority of my life. I live within 30 minutes of the house where I grew up. I really want to get away so I can have a clean slate. I know when I move away I am taking a year off from this state and everyone in it. That way I can truly change.... As for companies... Boeing is in Seattle along with Microsoft. Maybe I could get a job at the google office in Seattle. Really I just want to be on the coast. Far away from the mid west, the south, and the Rockies. The coast feels like the only place where I will be able to change. ^_^ sadly I cannot move until my lease is up. I am not one to really judge a place. Most of the time I just flip a coin to determine where I am living. However, that is a year away... I am not even going to think about it until August.

As for my rave, that is a rave put on by the same people who do my favorite anime convention. It is a charity rave for japan. I am just going to attend. I feel weird going to conventions... even though I know most of the kids there are between 19 and 35... I just feel like I am going to start hitting on middle schoolers.... I do not know... plus I am going to stand out really bad since I do not have any raver attire.

Anyway... I need to get to the gym, before my pre-workout stuff kicks in. I have rambled a lot too >_<


Well-Known Member
I wonder if exhaustion and depression are linked some how. I am not sure to be honest... I have spent all of today moving... well half of today... which I will explain later on. Now that I am near the end of the day... I am exhausted.. my depression is flaring up again. I am having those fantasies where I just want to <edit moderator total eclipse method> You now I get all moved into my new apartment and pull <edit moderator total eclispe method triggering>

I do not know.. today was pretty much a terrible day for me. First off I learn that the leasing office does not open till 10... so there goes 3 hours of moving time. Then to top that off. The agent who I worked with to get myself transferred had not done any of the paper work. I am guess I was lucky that the agent who was there believed me. So I did not have any money to pay... not that I did not email the agent asking her what I needed to have ready. Nor did I have my renters insurance transferred. Luckily I was not the one at fault. So I did not get out of there until around noon. PArtially my fault since I read the whole lease. Which means it was lunch time. So I went out for food. So I did nto start moving until 13:00. I moved all my heavy boxes in a period of about 5 hours... now I am onto the small stuff.

Maybe I am just stressed out because there is so much small stuff and it does not feel like I am making any progress on it. After all I am within walking distance to my new apartment... so why pack up everything into boxes? I guess I now know why... I wish I was not so stupid.

Plus I wanted to go to the hot tub.. but there were people in it. Despite the fact that at least two of them looked female. I did not feel like interacting with people. I did not want to take the chance that they would be attractive or hideous... so I did not get to soak myself and I am really hurting from my personal training session yesterday and the heavy lifting I did today. I guess I have until 17:45 on saturday to finish... but still.
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Well-Known Member
Today I read a very triggering article. It was a journalist describing in vivid detail what happens when you< edit moderator total eclipse method triggering>
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Well-Known Member
I really hate WF for banking, their whole system does not make any fucking sense. Seriously, they choose to allow me to have funds and they do not lock them away? Fuck well now I have $80 in overages. Great... and here I thought I was doing so well with my finances for a change. Oh well, I guess I will be putting whatever back pay I get towards this card so that i can be charged interest right? I guess I get a good deal on the interest... but still... I hate money.

I have been thinking about going off the grid one day. I would just do manual labor for cash you know... no phones no home address nothing. A backpack and some clothes. Live life free and on the road. Then I realize that I am too fucking lazy and greedy for something like that... then again if I ever have to be evicted from my apartment or something like that... well the I will just start living the hobo life. Off the grid, no internet no TV nothing... just me and life. Until I am hopefully killed.

I hate my bank, this is the second time they have screwed me good. At least this time I am not stuck in a forgien country in need of gas and money to find a hotel so I do not freeze to death in my car. You would think I would learn to be strong... but nope... there is a reason why I could not move into a new apartment complex closer to work... whatever.... this just makes me want to die even more.


Well-Known Member
You know for a while now I have been saying I am going to kill myself if I have an accident. However, now that I think about it this could be a costly form of amusement. I could even pass one off as an academic study.

My first thought will likely not work. That would be me getting some minor kind of custody of the child... you know like every other weekend or something. I would pay the child support if I could have the kid some of the time. When it is a baby I would hire a nanny to take care of all the crap I do not want too. Then once it is sentient I would just have it around. I would make sure it had a decent bedroom and was well fed. Otherwise I would have minimal contact with it. I would say stuff like "Daddy is starting off into space go play out in the dark". Then when it got to puberty I would lie down the law of follow curfew and you have nothing to worry about. Then I would raid the room for drugs and stuff. You know my house my rules. Then when it is an adult I just stop talking to it. As the lease will be up.

Then there is plan too. I set up a mini apartment in the basement of a house. I will let the bitch and the spawn live up stairs. I would pay the bills and give the bitch a budget for food. Hell I would even give her a small budget for extra non-essential crap. Then I would just live my life. I would not be a babysitter or anything like that. It would see me walking through the house and know that I am its father. That would be it. The mom would be in charge of everything thing else. I could call it a study in unresponsive parenting.

If I am going to pay child support I am leasing the damn thing or killing myself. So if anyone is disturbed by this post please refer me to someone to give me a vasectomy.


Well-Known Member
Today is just off to a sucky start. My weight fluctated back up to where it was on Monday after going down 5 lbs. So that was a wonderful start to my day. I am not sure how much sleep I got last night. However, it feels like I have had none.

Too make matters worse my kitty does not appear to be eating or drinking. I say appear because she may be eating but it is hard to tell if she is or not. Her bowl looks pretty untouched. I am not sure if she is drinking her water very often. I have caught her drinking out of her new water fountain.. however... it is not very often and if am home she is generally meowing for sink water. The resivour on her water fountain is slowly disappearing, but it is hard to say if that is just evaporation or if she is actually drinking anything... so that has been stressing me out.

Other than that my former roommate is getting a big head. He believes that since he is now on my old project that he is supposed to get everything I did. He tends to forget that he has another person, and the system is working. When he had to sub in for me while I was on vacation he nearly died from stress and exhaustion. Yet now he feels he deserves to be a lead or senior developer and get the pay that comes with it. Plus his girlfriend has a pretty big social network. However, he fails to understand that being the boyfriend of a friend will not carry as much weight as when he was my friend looking for a job. I just intend to laugh at him when he does not get that job, or better yet gets the job and gets fired.

Plus to make things worse I read a story about a Japanese model who killed herself. I always become suicidal when I read crap like that. It makes me wonder what is holding me back from just killing myself? Other than the fact that I would likely be dead for at least a month before I was found. I do not know... today is just off to a bad start...


Banned Member
Hey FM, Big ***HUGS*** for you.

just wanted you to know someone is reading what you post. Still difficult for me to think clearly at the moment and with you and the direction your head goes, and the way my head is currently, I suspect i would engage in discussion that could lead to both of us being heavily censored by the mods.

Anyway, hope you are holding up okay. **hug** for you.


Well-Known Member
I stay away from news, that is a trigger for sure.

Hope your day starts looking up.
Yeah, the article was misleading. Talking about a japanese model who was notorious for endorsing a product and then having that product suddenly lose popularity. I do not know... makes me think... that is all. IT is funny, people dying does not really affect me other than I think "Man I wish I was that lucky". However, when it is suicide then things change.

Hey FM, Big ***HUGS*** for you.

just wanted you to know someone is reading what you post. Still difficult for me to think clearly at the moment and with you and the direction your head goes, and the way my head is currently, I suspect i would engage in discussion that could lead to both of us being heavily censored by the mods.

Anyway, hope you are holding up okay. **hug** for you.
:hug: Thanks Kali, I know people read these... sometimes there is just nothing to reply too. I hope you are holding up. You know we can always have a private conversation. >_< That way the mods cannot say anything. :hug: I hope you start to feel better soon.


Well-Known Member
Well my kitty has lost a pound :sad: That is a lot when she only weighs 6 lbs... she is at least eating the wet food the. Vet told me to get. I am still having trouble getting her to drink though.

To make things worse my grandma is not doing so well... I know it is selfish of me.. buying just do not want to deal with that right now. I am pissed that my mom is trying to guilt trip me into worrying. There is nothing any of us could do... I have my own life to live. I want to focus on my trials. I can only say that online though. Even then......
listening even though I'm not commenting FM....

:hug: Thanks hun.


Well-Known Member
Booze alwasy makes weddings more tolerable. I jsut got back from my cousins wedding. I fucking hate those so much. Just another reminder of how I am a failure at human mating. I am pretty sure tehre were single females there who I found attractive. Alas I spent the whole night getting drunk.

I went to all the trouble to look spifyf,,, I would post an image but last time I did that iwas taken down. I am pretty sure one of my aunt in-laws daughters was eyeing me... alas shs is probably only 16,,,,'

Funy how events like this one cane make one so depressed. I can look at my garage door opener and thing... I need to go for a drive in my garage... yet I won/;t... time t go sleep it off.
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