I am tired of making random threads whenever I am down. So I am making this my last thread where I will post my thoughts. I know there is a blog section. However, I hate talking to the wall on a forum. I like to hear people's thoughts if I am going to say something and no one can say anything back I might as well just stop coming to forums. I promise to not post very often. So I was lying in bed, and I suddenly fell into a depressed fantasy. At first it was my usual fantasy, I got testicular cancer. :shelbi: Oh if ever there was a way to tip my depression that would be it. I had my usual fantasy of me jumping for joy and doing a little dance :yay: I am getting sterilized. I would look at the doctor and say "What was the bad news" :tongue:. All that kind of stuff. Ah happy day that would be. THen I started to fantasize more... turns out the cancer spreads. The cancer spreads to my liver. Suddenly I only have six months to life. :huh: what would I do with this time. I realized that the short answer to that is I would just live my life. :dry: I am not going to quit my job. I mean my health insurance is part of my job. So I would just keep working. I would do my best to work overtime so I could do whatever treatments were going to string me along. I mean what else am I going to do? So I go along with my life. Then I take a turn for the worse. The doctor gives me at most a month, more likely a week.:unsure: What to do now? So I decided that I would spend this time in solitude. With my current life I have no question that I will die alone. I will not let cancer force my relatives into my room. I would say everyone gets to say their good byes. They do not have to go home, however, they cannot be in the room with me. I would be alone, isolated. I figure I will hand over my power or attorney to my mom. At this point I am resolved to dying. So if the doctor came in with a miracle treatment that would cure me I would say no. So I would put my mom in charge of that. She would be allowed to decide if any treatments that I have not already rejected would be done. Then I die, it is a happy happy fantasy. I kind of laugh as I see all my family member's crocodile tears, as they call them. We have nothing in common. We are not close. They have no reason to be sad. Not even my mom. All sadness is something they would force on themselves. :sigh: I think my depression is spiraling out of control. Everything I want to accomplish seems to be empty. Especially when I came to a realization, on this thread. That realization was that one thing could fix me. That thing is regular sex. If I was getting laid I would be happy. :sadwave: yup I am one of those losers. I know sex is not everything. However, when I really look at my life, that is the one thing I am really missing. I guess I am just doing this to myself... it is hard. I am not sure what else I can do though. I am getting to the point of flat-out quitting. Giving up on everything... it is funny the further away I got from these feelings the more intense they become. I should just give up. That would be easier if I had a job I could be passionate about.