sometimes i scare myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shoshana, Aug 5, 2011.

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  1. Shoshana

    Shoshana Member

    it is simple to avoid reality and impossible to avoid the consequences of avoiding reality. i keep avoiding people and am afraid i have reached a point of no return. i haven't talked to my best friend in almost a year. i just don't answer when she calls. i haven't talked to my nephews in months. i can't bear seeing them so happy and new. i miss them, and resent their experiences. they are getting the magical childhood that was taken from me.

    and i know i'm a shit because some kids die young, and would give anything just be sitting here typing like i'm doing now. to them, being suicidal is a luxury. i would willingly forfeit my life to them, all the people who wanted to live more but died.

    i wish i could die without killing myself. a freak accident or a passing car. or an old fashioned homicide.

    my family chalks me up to uneducated and unreliable and frustrating to say the least.

    the things i was born with are useless to me. my loving spirit and eager to listen attitude, my warmth, my love of the big picture . they mean nothing. i move slow because i'm afraid of hurting things, bugs, plants, other people. i am obsessivly non- destructive to everything besides my self.

    i wake up horrified for the world. life is equal parts wonderful and hateful depending on who you are and where you were born.

    i hate the upperclass, and they're immediate complacency. the baby boomers have taught us how much we could loose in a generation. selfish bastards all of them.

    i hate being under your wing, and no i wouldn't rather be homeless and hungry, as you suggest, i'd rather be dead.


    what a world where these are my options.


    righteously pessimistic i hope for better.


    the goal could not be more simple, take care of yourself, take care of each other. Don't hurt yourself, don't hurt each other. everyone has forgotten, or they never knew, or they disagree?


    Maybe other people get life faster. they just pick it up and start running. i can't seem to move. or do anything right. no job no money no room for me in this capitalist world. do humans even have the power to change anymore. i feel like we're all being washed out to sea down this river of greed and we can't even realize it. or even worse, we've been conditioned to believe it is the right thing to do.

    maybe i should just relax and be happy to be here, get a real job, get married, live my life thinking above the people who live in stations below me.

    jay z says you can't help the poor if you're one of them. is that true?

    there is a voice in my head that screams WE CAN DO BETTER AS A SPECIES. in every way,

    and life, this grand joke, is not about HAVING it's about GETTING AND THEN LETTING GO.

    it's about the struggle for better. no matter how long it takes.

    and my optimism gets shut down, towards the ground every time i ask a question.

    "shoshana, you don't know anything about this, you didn't go to college like lily, she is so smart she did everything right, we could listen to her spew facts she read some where all day. BLAH BLAH BLAH"""


    shut down.

    powering off.

    closing my eyes to a world that's not ready to change.

    they want to die, surrounded by nice textures and pleasant scents.

    i want to live without stomping on the future .
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    No real words of wisdom today, other than to say I care and I hope you find the ways in which you are valuable and worthy of your compassion...J
     
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Shoshana,

    It's nice to meet you. I'm Alex :shake:.

    I was just wondering if you can talk to people like your best friend through the internet, or if that's not something you want to do either... maybe just telling them all that you're not feeling well and just need to be alone for a while.. I don't know, just an idea :hug:

    I've been avoiding going out anywhere in public or meeting anyone at times over the past two years (when I'm down and feeling suicidal), and my parents and acquaintances were quite peeved and disappointed and sad. :(

    The consequences are not good, like you said :hug: Anyhow.. I'm here reading what you're posting. Just wanted to let you know that. :)

    All the best,

    Alex
     
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Jay Z is wrong. Maybe too many blunts and 40s clouded his judgement and memory.

    Poor people can help other poor people. In fact - with depression even the upper classes are equal to us! When you want to die - money does not matter so much. It does not save you - not in and of itself. Many rich people want to die - maybe feel guilty for having more - I don't know but depression is universal and hits us all.

    I know what you mean though - the upper classes - the super rich - the elite who do rule the world, they are scumbags. We are nothing to to them - and we march like idiots in their wars - or rip the earth to shreds for a fast buck. We will have the measure of them. We will not submit and are greater - of more courage! And vision also.

    So **** them - the war is ongoing - just get yourself well before you worry about it. Plus - don't worry! I mean - some things have always been the same - we do what we can and change what is possible. Dream also though. Never let that die.

    But good people exist - poor people often have time which is invaluable to others.

    But some rich people or those with nicer jobs and decent wages - they give also - because sometimes - for sure - not having money for even a date - it does not make you feel like 'the man!'

    But the best things in life are free. Friendship, good company, trust - we do feel better for having these things. Love also - far away as it might seem to you - its waiting out there somewhere - to jump out and kind of shock your system a little. Which is good.

    You got have some love in your heart - you seem a kind man - gentle - and I also dislike stepping on bugs. I've picked the odd worm off the sunny pavement - sure - save a life and so on.

    Well - you understand how precious life is for others.

    You just underestimate your own value - you see the value of everything but your own life - but you know that - your a clever young man - you are not some uneducated chap. Not by a long mark. You could do higher education - maybe you should - and get a decent job so your able to help others out.

    And do get in touch with the best friend.

    And keep in touch with us here also - get to know us a little - we are like you - and have walked the path you are on. I'm 46 - not a lad anymore - but I learn things from younger people here.

    You seem like the kind of guy who is interesting to know - maybe you need to believe in yourself more - maybe you let the scum who rule the world make you think you are nothing. Don't even go there mate! Never think that you are nobody.

    One day you'll get better and be the one telling others what I sometimes say.
     
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