it is simple to avoid reality and impossible to avoid the consequences of avoiding reality. i keep avoiding people and am afraid i have reached a point of no return. i haven't talked to my best friend in almost a year. i just don't answer when she calls. i haven't talked to my nephews in months. i can't bear seeing them so happy and new. i miss them, and resent their experiences. they are getting the magical childhood that was taken from me. and i know i'm a shit because some kids die young, and would give anything just be sitting here typing like i'm doing now. to them, being suicidal is a luxury. i would willingly forfeit my life to them, all the people who wanted to live more but died. i wish i could die without killing myself. a freak accident or a passing car. or an old fashioned homicide. my family chalks me up to uneducated and unreliable and frustrating to say the least. the things i was born with are useless to me. my loving spirit and eager to listen attitude, my warmth, my love of the big picture . they mean nothing. i move slow because i'm afraid of hurting things, bugs, plants, other people. i am obsessivly non- destructive to everything besides my self. i wake up horrified for the world. life is equal parts wonderful and hateful depending on who you are and where you were born. i hate the upperclass, and they're immediate complacency. the baby boomers have taught us how much we could loose in a generation. selfish bastards all of them. i hate being under your wing, and no i wouldn't rather be homeless and hungry, as you suggest, i'd rather be dead. what a world where these are my options. righteously pessimistic i hope for better. the goal could not be more simple, take care of yourself, take care of each other. Don't hurt yourself, don't hurt each other. everyone has forgotten, or they never knew, or they disagree? Maybe other people get life faster. they just pick it up and start running. i can't seem to move. or do anything right. no job no money no room for me in this capitalist world. do humans even have the power to change anymore. i feel like we're all being washed out to sea down this river of greed and we can't even realize it. or even worse, we've been conditioned to believe it is the right thing to do. maybe i should just relax and be happy to be here, get a real job, get married, live my life thinking above the people who live in stations below me. jay z says you can't help the poor if you're one of them. is that true? there is a voice in my head that screams WE CAN DO BETTER AS A SPECIES. in every way, and life, this grand joke, is not about HAVING it's about GETTING AND THEN LETTING GO. it's about the struggle for better. no matter how long it takes. and my optimism gets shut down, towards the ground every time i ask a question. "shoshana, you don't know anything about this, you didn't go to college like lily, she is so smart she did everything right, we could listen to her spew facts she read some where all day. BLAH BLAH BLAH""" shut down. powering off. closing my eyes to a world that's not ready to change. they want to die, surrounded by nice textures and pleasant scents. i want to live without stomping on the future .