I surfed into this website. My hope is that if I type out what I am feeling I will feel better. People I know, they have their own lives, they have spouses, children, they don't want to hear about my problems. Even as I sit here alone and type, I fear I am just being overly dramatic, that this post is just another symptom of my being defective... It's supposed to be a terrible thing when a person commits suicide, but sometimes it just seems like common sense. I was about 15 years old when I started feeling "off." I used to cut myself and was committed to a mental hospital after a couple of botched suicide attempts. I am 40 now, and sometimes I wish I would have gotten it right that first time. My teen years were the start of a problem I still have to this day: sometimes I look in the mirror and its like the person looking back at me isn't really me. In fact it happens a lot in my day to day life, I don't feel that I am who I think I am. it's hard to explain. Something is off. And my brain spins a lot, very quickly. I have always felt that way. I had a 10 year stint as a hardcore drug abuser, and it was the only time I felt normal to be honest. It would have killed me had I kept going. I am sorry I didn't. I stopped a few months before I turned 30. So now I am 40 and feel the same way. I was married and divorced. I don't have children. I feel like a strange alien still. Let's face it as I am 40 the chances of me ever being involved with someone again is between slim and none... this has been true for 5 years now and I'm not getting any younger. No kids, so there isn't anyone who counts on me or who gives a damn. and I think it is a safe bet that at my age I won't be having children ever. I have always said that I plan to kill myself when I start to deteriorate, because the alternative is to slowly rot away, alone in an elder-care facility for people without outsiders who care. I can just imagine having my jewelry stolen after being regularly banged by orderlies who know that nobody gives a crap about me. I was hoping to get to 70. (I foolishly became I serious health nut after my divorce.) But really, why wait? I can't think of a valid reason to stick around. Work? Work is a grind. 25 more years of working so I can be old and alone? I don't see the point. Family? Nobody cares. They have their own problems, lives and children. Love? Not going to happen, let's be realistic, I am close to the bottom-of-the-barrel in the dating world. I don't know what is the point of posting this here. These things are often in the back of my mind but personal stuff that just happened has reminded me lately. I'm just so fucking depressed.