Sometimes isn't it just common sense?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TempPoster, Jul 31, 2010.

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  1. TempPoster

    TempPoster Member

    I surfed into this website. My hope is that if I type out what I am feeling I will feel better. People I know, they have their own lives, they have spouses, children, they don't want to hear about my problems. Even as I sit here alone and type, I fear I am just being overly dramatic, that this post is just another symptom of my being defective...

    It's supposed to be a terrible thing when a person commits suicide, but sometimes it just seems like common sense.

    I was about 15 years old when I started feeling "off." I used to cut myself and was committed to a mental hospital after a couple of botched suicide attempts. I am 40 now, and sometimes I wish I would have gotten it right that first time. My teen years were the start of a problem I still have to this day: sometimes I look in the mirror and its like the person looking back at me isn't really me. In fact it happens a lot in my day to day life, I don't feel that I am who I think I am. it's hard to explain. Something is off. And my brain spins a lot, very quickly.

    I have always felt that way. I had a 10 year stint as a hardcore drug abuser, and it was the only time I felt normal to be honest. It would have killed me had I kept going. I am sorry I didn't. I stopped a few months before I turned 30.

    So now I am 40 and feel the same way. I was married and divorced. I don't have children. I feel like a strange alien still. Let's face it as I am 40 the chances of me ever being involved with someone again is between slim and none... this has been true for 5 years now and I'm not getting any younger. No kids, so there isn't anyone who counts on me or who gives a damn. and I think it is a safe bet that at my age I won't be having children ever.

    I have always said that I plan to kill myself when I start to deteriorate, because the alternative is to slowly rot away, alone in an elder-care facility for people without outsiders who care. I can just imagine having my jewelry stolen after being regularly banged by orderlies who know that nobody gives a crap about me. I was hoping to get to 70. (I foolishly became I serious health nut after my divorce.) But really, why wait? I can't think of a valid reason to stick around. Work? Work is a grind. 25 more years of working so I can be old and alone? I don't see the point. Family? Nobody cares. They have their own problems, lives and children. Love? Not going to happen, let's be realistic, I am close to the bottom-of-the-barrel in the dating world.

    I don't know what is the point of posting this here. These things are often in the back of my mind but personal stuff that just happened has reminded me lately. I'm just so fucking depressed.
  2. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Welcome to Suicide Forum.
    TempPoster, I know how you must be feeling to have no-one close to you in your life who depends on you, and being single and getting older. Sometimes the future does look bleak. It seems like drudgery working day after day to just come home, and do it again the next day, all the while getting older. And maybe one day, you are old, no-one cares, and you end up in a nursing home or such.

    But you don't know that for sure. There is lonely guy out there who is looking for someone just like you, and you can be his dream come true, and your dream come true.

    Everyone has a mission on this earth. You come on this earth here with a purpose and a talent to help others. You do something in a way that no-one else does, and you are here for a reason.What is the reason, you say? It's right in front of you. You care for the people who you meet in everyday life. It's not something far off on a mountain somewhere. A warm smile, a listening ear, a response to someone in need, a kind word, taking steps to becoming a better person. In living fully, you will become more involved in your mission. When you find purpose, then life becomes easier. The purpose reveals itself to you as you embrace your life. You give up the false self and you find the true self. The true self is the one that is full of love for others and kindness.
  3. TempPoster

    TempPoster Member

    I know you are trying to be nice, but let's get real here, there is no one waiting for me. OK, yes there are married skanks who lie as they try to use me to escape from their own personal doldrums.

    In fact that seems to tie into my "mission" in life. Everyone takes from me. I have dished out thousands of "loans" never repaid. I am the person you call when you have problems because I am a sucker for feeling needed and will do whatever i can to help. I listen to people and their tears though no one is ever there for me. For instance, someone I haven't seen in 20+ years was crying on facebook about his divorce and I allowed him to visit me when he invited himself. He sucked every scrap of joy he could get from me and then discarded me like a dirty kleenex. I didn't even get a thank you. I let a another person move in with me during my divorce because I had a big house... that person stayed for free, ate my food, and had nothing to say to me once I lent money to help move.

    My childhood best friend lives 2,000 miles away. I threw a surprise party for him when he turned 40 a couple of years ago, took months of planning. I thought he deserved a nice birthday so I did what I could do. When I turned 40, he sent me a sarcastic text laughing at me, guessing I was probably having a bad day. I was. (that was the full extent of my birthday celebration. a sarcastic text. Hell at least I got that, no one else cared enough to even ridicule me.)

    Sorry but this "love for others" is a bunch of bullshit. That's all I ever fucking do, yet NOBODY loves me. What is the point?
  4. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi TempPoster, you are just angry right now. But, it's no reason to commit suicide. You don't have to be destroy yourself, because the world has been hard on you. That is not the answer. I think what you really want is to be loved, valued, validated and listened to. That is what we all want. Not to be dead.

    Things do get better, no matter how bad they are. For me to tell you to give up, will be evil. A true friend will tell you to hold on. So don't be angry if I tell you - Hold on! I can't say that you have not been given a lonely difficult situation, but as long as their is life there is hope that things will improve and somethings will resolve themselves. You may get sour on life for a time, but don't get bitter. You have a house, and you seem to have a lot in your life, so be grateful for what you do have. You are going through a lot right now, but things will get better, and there really is no easy answers just hope.
  5. Chameleon76

    Chameleon76 Well-Known Member

    Thats not true. 40 aint all that old. There's plenty of single people out there in their 40s. And even if you don't remarry, who says you have to have a husband and kids in order to be happy?

    If you ask me, its better to be single anyways. No kids, no responsibilities, noone to anwser to. You can do whatever the hell you wanna do, whenever you wanna do it.
  6. TempPoster

    TempPoster Member

    It is 100% normal and natural for mammals to pair up. When people say "I don't need a wo/man to be happy" they are full of crap. I am ok about the kids, but I'd rather just off myself now over being alone without love and/or companionship for the rest of my lfe. We are not solitary animals, let's not play games with each other.
  7. Chameleon76

    Chameleon76 Well-Known Member

    I see life differently than you do, therefore i'm playing games?


    peace out.
  8. Michael Ayin

    Michael Ayin Well-Known Member

    Your post is a lot like what I've gone through. I've never been hospitalized but put myself in "isolation" of sorts when I lived with my parents to the point they were afraid I would never leave. I am an alcoholic, and although I don't drink on a regular basis I've drank enough at certain days where I literally would fall over. I'm surprised I didn't die of alcohol poisoning.

    I agree with you on the above. Perhaps my greatest pains in the world is wondering if I would ever have a "soul mate" and anyone that would understand me, much less tolerate me. I'm not kidding when I state this has nearly destroyed me. Without the love of my life I don't know why I'm even here anymore. I really don't.

    I have had bad luck in the dating world to the point where I don't do it anymore. They say you attract what you radiate, but I think that's bullshit. If I attracted what I needed it would be far different. Including someone that would be compassionate towards my condition. Everyone seems to want to take without giving much. I need help---I can't possibly be a giver 24/7 if my own life is a struggle.

    My depression started at fifteen, and my suicidal thoughts at sixteen. I'm in my late 30s and can't see myself growing old without support. I'd rather disappear---I wish I could grow old gracefully, but I don't know if that will happen. If I'm too old and physically stunted to work, I'm screwed. Like you, I was a health nut for a time to curtail that, but now I wonder what's the point as well.

    I don't mean to sound so shitty and I realize there are others here to try to lift your spirits, but your post struck a chord in me. Last year roughly around this time was a turning point for me, and I've been hurting ever since again. Sorry if this doesn't help, but at least you know that you are not alone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 31, 2010
  9. TempPoster

    TempPoster Member

    I totally get what you are saying here. Doesn't help either of us, but yes I get it. Guess I struck a chord with you for a reason.
  10. doctortrips

    doctortrips New Member

    Fucking speak for yourself.
  11. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Sorry but this "love for others" is a bunch of bullshit. That's all I ever fucking do, yet NOBODY loves me. What is the point?

    I think you have to act the way you have for the goodness of it. Dont expect anything and dont do it even for the people themselves,but because it is the right thing to do and for the spiritual growth. You seem like a GREAT person. Isnt that worth the price of others neglect? Look at what a great person you are!

    Also 40 is not old. I am much older. If you really do want a relationship you can have one. I used to go to 12 step meetings and had many opprtunities for relationships with atrtractive women my age and much younger. I was 46 at the time. SO you have lots of time.

    Im praying for you and you happiness!!!!
  12. TempPoster

    TempPoster Member

    Who do you think I am speaking for? You? How stupid...
  13. TempPoster

    TempPoster Member

    I used to chuckle when men brag about being successful at dating because they can get with much younger women. It really isn't amusing to me anymore now that I am 40 and my own age group finds me too old. Thanks for the reminder.
  14. TempPoster

    TempPoster Member

    Is it possible to close this thread? i don't want to do this anymore. A thanks to those who are well-intentioned, but I don't want to do this anymore.
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