sometimes it's too much to take

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by babaerz, Jan 26, 2011.

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  1. babaerz

    babaerz New Member

    i'm usually a strong girl, but lately, i've just been depressed. i know it's normal for people to think about suicide, i've thought about it a lot for years. but lately it's been getting worse and worse. i just feel too stressed out and like there's no one left. i'm in college and the stress put on me is enormous. i have a family that i hate sometimes because of the things they do. (which is why i chose to go to college away from home) sadly. i have 2 brothers who have always ganged up on me, yeah sure it's normal right? but after years and years, it starts to really hurt. my parents expect more out of me just because im a girl. ive spent my whole life fighting them on equal rights. at one point my family always teased me about being so fat that i went anorexic. then my mom told me i was too skinny and it wasn't pretty. now im back to NORMAL weight, but everytime i visit home, my parents and brothers tell me how fat i am. i have girls who hate me for absolutely no reason and make my life hell. the only person that i can talk to and trust with anything is my boyfriend. hes the ONLY thing that makes me happy. i could sit here and write pages about why i'm in such a bad mood. it's just, i think about how im going to commit suicide, when im going to do it, what my suicide note is going to say and i always wonder who will miss me and who won't. i've thought about how and when i would commit suicide multiple times and each time it just goes further and further and i don't think that i will commit suicide tonight, but i seriously think it might happen in the near future. (a day or 2) the only thing that stops me is thinking about my boyfriend. but that won't stop me forever. i really just can't take it anymore!
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    so while you still have clear thought i think you should reach out and get some good help to prevent you from harming yourself. Talk to your GP about getting on meds for depression or getting therapy. Talk to school councilor about getting help to decrease your stress level there. Do something NOW okay to stop all these negative thoughs because i can assure you you will be missed and the pain left to the ones behind will be excruciating get some help now okay so your sadness can stop
     
  3. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Well, I can relate to what you're saying completely. And I don't know if this will help at all, but I'd like to share my own story with you...hopefully it'll at least help you to realize you're not alone :/

    My older brother's always been pretty mean to me my entire life, too. When I was a little kid, I had separation anxiety when my mom would leave for work or the store or somewhere else. And if she was like 15-20 minutes late, I'd come to his room looking for comfort because I was worried something happened to her. And he absolutely LOVED to scare the crap out of me by saying something happened to her. When I was really little, like 6 years old, he used to tell me she got eaten by wolves. When I grew up a little, he switched to things like "She hates you and she's never coming back". He never made me feel protected or loved like an older brother should. I remember when I was 11 and about to start middle school, he told me he made a hate page about me online and that all the kids would see it, and then no one would be my friend and they'd all hate me, too. I believed him and thought he was serious. I was still extremely naive back then and his stupid pranks hurt. I did, however, get revenge by scooping up a bucket of dirt from the backyard and dumping it all over his room. But yeah, we never got along because he was always an insensitive jerk. When I became a teenager, he'd tease me about my acne, or being too fat and eating too much. When he saw my mom bring me dinner, he'd be like "She's eating ALL THAT?! No wonder she's so fat." or he'd say to me "You don't need to eat. You have enough fat stored up for an entire year." As I grew up, he stop
     
  4. babaerz

    babaerz New Member

    thankyou for sharing your story. as im getting older, my older brother has stopped teasing me since he can actually see the pain it puts me through. my younger brother still teases me and as much as i tell him to stop, he thinks im joking. :[ it doesn't help that my parents have such a high expectation for me either. i literally cried last night for 4 hours straight. the only thing that's stopping me from doing anything is my boyfriend. he told me if anyone he knew committed suicide, he wouldn't attend their funeral. he told me that committing suicide is a selfish act and he has no respect for anyone who does it. i don't want him to hate me. also, i really think i could kill myself if i used a gun. i dont think i could ever jump off a bridge or stab myself. that's why i told my boyfriend, if i'm ever down, he needs to take his guns with him to work when im staying with him for the weekend.
     
  5. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Damn...it cut half of my post off ;/ It was there when I first put it up though. What I was saying was (just in case you didn't get to see it) that he did stop but it didn't matter anymore because of everything he's already done. And he wasn't the only one; my entire family contributed to insulting me in their own ways about weight or whatever else. As for your boyfriend saying it's selfish and he has no respect for anyone who does it...that's wrong. He obviously doesn't understand what's it's like to feel that way. The only people who say it's selfish are those who have never known what it is to feel that bad, or those who may have attempted it before and recovered and now hate themselves for it (and all other who feel that way). Kind of like an overweight person who got skinny and now hates all overweight people. It's ridiculous. I don't think it's a particularly good idea to surround yourself with people who don't understand mental illness or tell you that suicidal feelings/actions are selfish, and basically try to guilt trip you into not putting them in pain while not giving a crap about your pain. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I'd want a partner who understands and sympathizes with what I go through, not criticizes me for it. Next time he says it's selfish, tell him it's equally selfish of him to tell you not to do it, knowing you're in pain just so he doesn't miss you or feel pain himself.
     
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