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Sometimes, I've gotta catch myself

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Prinnctopher's Belt, Jan 2, 2010.

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  1. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I was looking at my little black and white tuxedo cat. He's only about 2 years old and I really love that kitty.

    But I was looking at him today just sitting there by the door, and I was reaching to pat him with all that pretty black and white fur, and I got jealous. I wanted to <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Inappropriate and cruel>. I was jealous of his preciousness and total oblivion. I wanted his happiness and ignorance, and I wanted to be spoiled like him. I wanted to be loved and pat and touched and hugged the way I wanted to hug him.

    He was so pretty and beautiful, I couldn't find a flaw. I wanted him to know me to know how he was loved, but he's just a cat. He knows only what cats need to know. He was so beautiful, I just wanted to <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Inappropriate and cruel>. Only for a few minutes. I just wanted to know what it's like for the kitty.

    Then sanity kicked in and I just rubbed that pretty ole' head and said "awww kitty kitty" and sang a tune from "The Fantasy" smiled. He just sat there. I don't want to hurt the thing. He's really my only little companion that makes me feel better.

    I thought back briefly about the other pets I've had. My first pet was a little puppy, according to my mother, but I don't remember because apparently I was only an infant. The first pet I remember having was a goldfish I had when I was about seven or so. My godsister and I were playing with it, and I wondered what it would be like to kill it.

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Inappropriate and cruel>

    I didn't care about pets anymore until I was in college. I think it was after freshman year that I returned home for that summer, so I was 19. I wanted a hamster. So my dad bought me a hamster, a little white one. It was a baby, no more than a few weeks old, and so small. So tiny, so precious. I raised it for about three months that summer before I went back to school, and that winter I came back, and it had grown some more. It was such a cute little thing. It had its own cage and I had bought it lots of toys and a wheel to run on.

    One day, I saw it crawl beneath the wheel and it was trapped. So I gently pulled him from beneath the wheel. Then, I don't know, maybe a few days later, I got an idea. I wanted to know what would happen if it was stuck under the wheel and the wheel was moving. So I put it in the cage, put it beneath the wheel, and started turning it and turning it and turning it some more, until the poor thing screamed, squealed really. I guess it hurt it.

    I took it out before I thought it could get hurt any more. I just wanted to see what would happen, not kill it. After that, it had problems walking. It seemed sickly and ill. Anyway, in its last days, I was so sad because I knew it was dying, and that I had done it. Yuuuugggguhhh I was depressed for months afterward.

    I bought another hamster, and that one starved to death. I went out of town, and wasn't able to get back to my apartment in time to care for it, so the poor thing starved to death, and died alone.

    When I was in bio lab in college, we had to dissect a fetal pig. Most people in the class seemed grossed out about it, but I was enthused. FUCK YES! We get to cut open a fucking pig! JEEEEEAAAAAAAYAAAAAHHHHH I was enthused. So I volunteer in my workgroup to do all the work because the others were vomiting and acting like children instead of biology students.

    Anyway, I was the only one still there cutting and slicing and dissecting for over a half hour after class was over and everyone else was gone, except for the instructor. I was there still fiddling around with the pig, and was curious about the inside of the heart, so I cut inside and squeezed around, and it was nothing really but a bunch of spongy, meaty tissue. I thought it was fascinating as hell.

    Sometimes, I think I have serious fucking problems that I may have been born with. Maybe it's just natural curiosity, though.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2010
  2. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    Id give the cat to a friend just in case you cant 'catch' yourself.
  3. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Not gonna lie that's pretty fucked up.
  4. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Maybe you have OCD tendencies. My OCD tortures me with intrusive, morbid thoughts which is par for the course for OCD sufferers. What you are dealing with sounds like impulses and a lot of anger too.

    Please give your kitty to a friend temporarily if you honestly don't feel like you can keep from acting on your impulse to hurt it and work out a diversionary plan with a therapist.
  5. Bubble

    Bubble Well-Known Member

    what the fuck.
    DO NOT BUY ANYMORE PETS. If you cant be sane and responsible you do not deserve them.
    I didnt actually read the entire post because i feel sick from what you did, you may have been young but that doesnt excuse the insanity,wtf srsly.
    Definately give that cat away before you kill it, you have done enough harm.

    Also I really hope you werent looking for sympathy here because I can assure you, you wont get any. That is inhumane and beyond words i can even think of to describe that behaviour.

    Just give the cat away, do the animal world a favour and dont ever enter a pet store ever again.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2010
  6. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    In other words dont own a pet until you stop having homicidal thoughts about animals
  7. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    This is fucking disgusting.
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    For that cat's safety, you need to find it a new home.
  9. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    It's good that you are talking about your feelings and tendencies. You know it could be natural curiosity. That being said, there is a responsiblity that comes with acting on that curiosity. Perhaps talking about it more well help you explore your feelings and also help determine your moral and ethical boundaries for yourself.
  10. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    "Sometimes things happen that make us wonder how or why but leave us too embarrased to seek advice; don't be afraid, ask your questions here."

    A few of these responses have been useless and flaming. I don't think I'll post in this part of the forum again, despite its invitation to say what we think is wrong with us without being antagonized about it because it's uncomfortable to say it elsewhere. If you didn't have anything helpful or useful to say why say it at all? Just go on about your business and talk about having acne or something.

    Anyway, thanks to those who sincerely gave some advice. I'll take those thoughts into consideration.

    Blake, yeah, not being able to share may be part of the problem. I never feel comfortable sharing these thoughts with others, and when I finally do there's always some intolerance involved from others, so I never truly get any insightful feedback on what the source(s) of these feelings could be. It's like I keep everything hidden to myself because it's too damning for someone else to have to listen to without being somewhat disturbed themselves. I don't know who to talk to when I'm feeling reeaallly fucked up. Do you know what I mean?
  11. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Although I couldn't ever do something like what you described to an animal... just thinking about it makes me sick, I can still understand where you're coming from. Just because I can't picture myself doing something like that, doesn't mean I can't understand. If you want to talk about it, feel free to PM me.

    Oh, and please give your cat to someone you trust, or even for adoption if you think there is any chance you might hurt him. You might not be able to catch yourself next time, and you obvious love him so if you do harm him you'll feel terrible. Protect him and yourself and place him in a good environment.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2010
  12. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I understand the envious part, because sometimes I envy my piggies for how simple their life is, but I dont feel the need to rip them appart for it...that I'm sorry I can't relate to...

    I think it would be helpful to talk to a professional about these thoughts, because it can't be too healthy to have them...to both you and those that surround you...maybe a professional can help you figure out why you are having these kinds of thoughts, how to change them and to resist the urge to materialise them into reality...

    anger is a scary emotion...I get angry about certain things and I too have dark thoughts...I think its normal but the way you described yours, I was actually scared and felt disturbed...

    is it scary to have those kinds of thoughts?
  13. asking_advice

    asking_advice Well-Known Member

    i have these thoughts before. it's gone because of talking about it here and thinking what is right and wrong. you can overcome it by a therapist or yourself if you can still handle it.
  14. Bubble

    Bubble Well-Known Member

    We say it because you destroyed animals lives, You actually destroyed them.

    I dont understand what you were expecting from us? To throw hugs and kisses in your face, pat your head and tell you its okay? Because its not. And for the people who are only replying now, well they dont know the full extent of what you did because it was edited out by a mod.

    You need serious help.
    I dont think this the place to be discussing animal cruelty in such a vial way, you should be speaking to a professional.
  15. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    I read the original before it was edited. I would never condone what he did to those animals. There is no excuse for that. But I can still understand the feelings he described. He's obviously struggling with them and needs help.

    I agree with others, professional help should be sought out before you hurt another animal. It's important for not just the health of the animals (or other people if it switched to that, which it could), but your own. It sounds like either extreme anger issues or sociopathic behavior. But I don't think you're a sociopath because you felt bad about hurting your hamster. A sociopath would not feel guilt like that. Still, it's important to seek help if you feel out of control.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2010
  16. asking_advice

    asking_advice Well-Known Member

    i dont agree what he did but you can be frank in a nice way.
  17. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    C.J. is see a lot of anger. It's something you need to get under control. You see how upset you feel after the fact. Imagine what it would feel like if it progress to humans? You need to talk to a professional about the thoughts and feelings that you experience in those moments. You can get past those thoughts. What you experience is almost a venting mechanism. But a very unhealthy one to say the least. I'd say you have a lot of hidden issues about your own self worth and lack of love or attention in your life as you see it. So please talk to a professional. They can help you find much better coping skills and help you to recognize the episodes so that you dont have to get to the point that you might act on them.
  18. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    I don't care what is wrong with the OP

    If anyone abuses an animal, they deserve to suffer

    I don't buy this OCD therapy crap

    People need to have self restraint, if people are met with consequences themselves, they will not harm others

    If he abused that cat or his dog, he should have to suffer
  19. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    Same to you...same to you.

    but when you get right down to it, internet or not, how much can you know a person like PB?

    i wouldn't be surprised if no one in her life ever knew her true intentions...i would say feelings, but it doesn't have any. Sociopaths are possibly the greatest actors of all time, because they act out emotions they don't feel.

    So, internet or not, you couldn't know a person like this.

    For all i know she could be a serial killer who comes on this forum for funsies. Unfortunately i judge based on what i know...i can't assume everyone is a serial killer.

    since you know so much about internet peoples, go find out who she really is...until then...here's some cheese :Jehuty:
  20. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    I have such thoughts all the time, but they're directed towards people, not animals. People can be infinetly more cruel than animals. My mind is filled with it everyday, but still I never carry anything out, yet.. It's easy doing this on an animal, they're pretty defenceless. Never thought a SF thread would turn into a slate fest like this, people really are paranoid.
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