Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by kiera, Jun 17, 2009.

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  1. kiera

    kiera Member

    I do not want to die. At least not right now. But, sometimes the urge comes on so strong, unexpected and i am just so scared i might actually do it. Actually, thats not really what i mean. I guess i am scared that if i do it, i might feck it up. I might still live and be damaged. I might die in pain, yes i am a coward.
    Mostly, i need to stick around for my kids.
    confused and in so much pain.
  2. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I understand exactly what you are saying hon.
    Just remember that you do not have to do this alone..

    Wanna tell me what brought this on?
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I understand what you are saying, too. I don't find you to be a coward at all. Sometimes it takes more courage to fight on than to give up and die. It is okay to be confused. i am glad you are hanging on for your kids. They need you. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Kiera,

    Welcome to the forums, I can relate to your posts, I hope you can overcome these thoughts. You don't have to suffer alone, keep reaching out, do you have anyone you can talk to abot this? Doctor or a counsellor? Keep talking if it helps! Take care.. :hug:
  5. kiera

    kiera Member

    Thank You.

    Yes, i have seen a doctor and have perscribed all the usual medication and had it changed several times. I have also a mental health worker who is assisting me.

    I have kind of told them these feelings, but not to the extent of actually the fantasy of one method in particular that i have planned out in my mind over and over again.

    The thing is, yes, i do want help, but, if i tell them how bad it actually is, they may section me, or even worse, take my children into care. Even as a temporary thing, i just could not deal with that. They are the only reason my instinctive urges are not carried out. If they were taken, i have no doubts i would leave.
  6. kiera

    kiera Member

    just to eleborate a little on my post.

    If i do and i fail. I loose my children.
    If i ask for help. I loose my children.
    If it works. I loose my children.

    Basically, it just makes my head spin even more. I rationally decide not to go ahead with my fantasy. But, what if i do <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>etc just on inpulse. Surely it would be better to do the job properly the first time and not end up in the hospital. Of course my main method could also fail and would no doubt suffer alot of pain and could end up with severe brain damage.

    aghhhhhh again with the head spin.
    i just dont want to do something really stupid and end up in the hospital or worse still doing it when one of the kids see it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 18, 2009
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It is so difficult to know exactly what to do when it seems that the end result will be the same (losing your children) regardless of what you do. I can assure you that taking your life should be an option not even considered because of the long term effects it would have on your kids. Children of suicide victims run a much higher risk of suicide themselves. And even if they don't take this route, their lives are negatively effected forever. They have deep seeded feelings of guilt, shame, abandment, worthlessness, etc. Do you have someone that could watch your children if you voluntarily commit yourself for a short time? I know many people that have been hospitalized that did not lose their kids. I am unsure of your circumstances so I can't make that promise to you, but seeking help is your best option at this time. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  8. kiera

    kiera Member

    I have no one who could care for them.
    Sadly, i do know these effects as my children lost their father two years ago this way.

    So i live with guilt everyday.
  9. kiera

    kiera Member

    i know that it is very probable that my children will have even more trauma should i do anything. This is where i drive myself crazy. This is why i do not want to go ahead.
    Every part of me want to, but, it all boils down to, i must not do this to my family.

    Which is why the sudden impulses are scaring me so much. I mean, what if my logical self doesnt pull back in time to stop me.
  10. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    You have to remember the great things you have, the things that are worth living for, such as your children, and use these to get you through the struggles. You can do this :hug: Welcome to the forums, btw.
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