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somewhat scared

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by dumdumgurl, Aug 27, 2007.

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  1. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    hey guys

    i'm not afraid of dying i've been close so many times that i'mnot scared about that. i'm scared of pain. after taking <mod edit: bunny - methods> i iwill be relaxed and somewhat pain tolerant so i should be able to do it but i'm not sure. i've never took a knife and tried to reach certain organs to cut to make sure i die in a short amount of timeandnot linger to accidentally be found. i'm so scared i'm notgoing to be able to do that. so i'm scared.they say guys are more successfull at suicide because they take more pillsand use more extremely painful ways to go. i can't swim andi heard drowning is one ofthe worst things to have to use as a method.

    god give me the strength to make at least two serious cuts.i just bought a $45 <mod edit> today and it's newso i'm hoping it'ssharp enough to get the cutting done. if i could only be sure i had enough pills do the job but my god i can't say what i used last time but four adult pigs should have died. i want to go that's not the problem, it's the pain i'm worried about.

    someone PM'd me and mentioned a drug they use to put dogsto sleep with. sounds perfect because i watched my dog be put to sleep and he just looked like he was just going down for a nap. no pain just a peaceful exit. but you can't get it here <mod edit> my gosh some were even mentioning robbing a vet shop here in the USA. i wouldn't go that far and i emailed a couple of places i found but i doubt i'll hear from them and i wonder if you'll get your money taken and given a placebo as sometimes happens. it used to be available to people who had insomnia here but you can'tget itanymore.

    and onceyou cut yourself unless i pass out froom the drugs, i may suffer until i bleed out and how long that will takei don't know. <mod edit> i have a high tolerarance to meds and painand i can't imagine feeling pain for a long length of time. i have to cut before i pass out or elsewhat good will it do. i also have to be "conscious" enough to know where i'm cutting and not look like a distorted ouji board and just be splitting away at anything. i'm soooooo scared. but i have to do it to make sure i'm successful don't want to get caught again and then i have to explain what i took and well that's going to be hard to explain. i am not using any prescription drugs i've been given becausei don't want to get a doctor in trouble and also i don' twant a doctor afraidto prescribe me what i need. i'm still having extreme pain from my broken tibia/fibia below the right kneecap so i need meds. so i can't fail on top of this. i guess what i'll have to do is make sure i get angry when i do this and makesure to use that anger and get the deed done. i wish i wasn't a gurly gurl but i can't help not wanting to feel pain i've felt enough already. i thinki'm taking so much meds that i can just drift offafter cutting and hopefully never wake up. last time i had a couple of times when i did wake up; phone rang and i heard my dad's voice....i'll have phone turned down and the fan going so i don't hear any noise of people talking or closing doors in the apartment.

    i'm not sure if it's okay to ask how to avoid pain while doing this i know it's pro but it's goign to happen and i have had it, i'd do it tonight if i could but not all stuff is here yet to carry it out. and i knowidon't have enough meds to knock me out good and it might or might notworkand i know the pain will be ungodly without the <mod edit> and there should be enough of those. i also have to make sure to muffle my possible screams from cutting <mod edit> (should have takenan anatomy course but the best thing i came up with is the internet which helps alittlebut the best thing that willcome in handy is marking the scar where the doctor accidently hit and cut <mod edit>--while telling his assistant and make sures "oops" to not hit the <mod edit> and cut it and then they had to get a doctor from another operating room to come in because he didn't have the right tools to open me up to close off the <mod edit> and i lost a third of my blood, my parents said when they saw mei lookedlike death but no god wouldn't let medie but the scar has really fadedso i'll have to makesure i mark it good with a black magic marker so i don't miss and just go for it--what a wimp cause people jump off bridges and i'mtoo chicken to cut).

    if only i knew a way to makeit easieron me. nowi'manxious about cutting and making sure itgets done properly and before i pass out or don't have enough strength to dig in deep to cut.it's not a knife that goes through bones. i'm so ignorant on somethings andhave no idea where to get one. it really only needs to go through flesh and it's brand new and not used so it should do the job right? wish me no fear......
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2007
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey there, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Many suicidal people are scared of the pain that they could experience if they were to go through with an attempt, and the aftermath if an attempt fails (health implications etc) and sometimes this fear helps keep them alive and that's a good thing.

    May not seem like a good thing for you at the moment but keep fighting and I know things seem dark right now but they won't always be this way. Have you seen a doctor, or do you have anyone to confide in? Do you know what is causing you to feel this way?

    Take care of yourself, here if you want to talk. :hug:
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    It's natural to be scared of the pain. Why don't you keep fighting, i'm sure like the others, you have alot to live for and alot of potential.
  4. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I have no real advice |I can offer that would help with the pain and no words of wisdom to put meaning to the suffering you face but if it helps to talk pm me anytime, I'm normally about fairly often if I'm not hiding in bed :hug:
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